a strange tightness

pulling me forward

through my center


same game, new player –

what are you doing Mayryanna?


energy curdling up

my clenching throat

from heart quaking


you say this isn’t you, again?

perhaps you should reexamine your patterns –


manifested emotion

feels like sickness

this is me purging


I’ve been running hard and fast in so many directions lately. Reading books and taking online courses, writing, editing, a variety of creative and passion projects, mastermind group and coaching calls – everything I can get my hands on.

I just requested a refund for another course I had for almost a month and simply didn’t have any time to even start.

Maybe that’s why I’m finally stepping back to question my relentless quest to consume, even in the ways it is seemingly constructive – why do I have to do everything I can to better myself, as fast as possible?

Pop-culture therapy

I’ve been watching the show Lucifer on Netflix and a line from that show has me rethinking some of these things. I don’t recall the exact quote or even who said it, but the sentiment has stuck… “The best way to run from something is to run at something else.”

So, in all my running towards mastery and optimization… What am I running from?

Can anybody read that whole @? Lemme know!

There are many potentially obvious answers. I could simply say it’s my bad marriage and subsequent divorce. Or my estranged relationship with my father. Or my disillusionment with most of society and its institutions, systems and expectations… But, I feel any one of those is only a part of what’s going on. No… This is much, much deeper… It’s about all of these things, and more.

It’s hard to put into words, but I feel it… So I’ll let the feelings guide me to the expression through some more poetry:


Like tired gears in a long forgotten machine

left on indefinitely when the factory shut down

unkept, in disrepair, the friction against itself


My heart is grinding, raw from its perpetuation

feels like hot drought air on cracked, thirsty earth

the edges of my pain shrill, endless aggravation


Nothing though, as tormenting as the betrayal

the ceaselessness of distractions stunting care

It is my own lack of acceptance that burns me


I hate feeling invisible to myself, but it’s worse

I may be intentionally ingnoring parts of my soul

wondering if I speak all of my own languages

It would seem I have a problem, with myself

The poem above is thick with meaning… More than can be digested in moments, but a few things are clear. I am feeling neglected by my own attention. But… That still begs a question:

Why am I neglecting myself?

Because at this point I need a bit of humor to lighten this all up…

The lesson of an unstarted course

I bought the course I just got refunded because of an online “limiting beliefs” quiz. The course is all about mindset work and how to overcome the blocks created by our destructive thoughts and beliefs. My limiting belief?

“I am not worthy.”

Maybe I should have kept that course after all…

Regardless, I am far from done with these contemplations. As I had thought, this is related to everything in my past, and my present. I will be investigating further.

One thing I did gather from the course in my brief overview of the materials is that mindset isn’t changed through understanding of the faulty mindset, however important that may be, it is in replacing the mindset through purposeful implementation of new thoughts, patterns and behaviors. Now that I am aware of my own desire for more attention, I am going to use that to help me overcome this belief of unworthiness… At least I’ll try my best.

I heard that Money has been estranged
that the realms of Beyond rejected it
that it is an outcast of heaven and hell
that it roams our world lonely, unwell
I read: no matter what, it cannot go back
it will never regain the faith of Existence
it is fated to withstand our use and abuse
it will never be rescued from humanity
So what? It’s not a person with feelings
At least, how could I sympathize with “it?”
Yet, my heart sank deep into my guts
filing me with knowing, the pain of loss –
And so, with a humble hope of healing
with a simple offer of kind awareness
I extended my ignorant compassion
I opened my arms to comfort the rejected
So what? I’m just a person with feelings
At least, my sympathy is fleeting at best
It could only be a matter of time and then,
surely I would abuse and use it like the rest
Of course, how could I expect its trust
having been tricked and manipulated
having been condemned by its kin
having been objectified to all ends
Still I remained, patient but cautious
watching it pace and circle and stalk
Feeling it’s awareness returned to me
weary it might ultimately consume me
I feel its gaze, though not from eyes
I hear questions, not from lips but mind
I see it move in the shadows and light
Like me, it’s unsure but still curious –
And so, in silence and contemplation
I attempt to remove my stagnation
Sitting, no more than to be in my isness –
opening myself up as a new kingdom
Imperfect indeed, but repentantly
we seem to be blending the lines
I hold space for our wholeness
as vulnerabilities bleed into One
If it must, I tell it, collapse completely
let go of fated fears of insignificance
return to the simplicity of just being
relax, releasing itself of every desire –

It’s afraid, so am I, yet we’re courageous
remaining in our peace despite reason
taking the leap into the abyss together
redefining our own sense of belonging

Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire.

Epictetus, Stoic Philosopher

I’d say it’s been an interesting week, but I’d have to say it’s been an interesting life, an interesting day and even an interesting hour. What I am feeling now is not an isolated experience for me. The fuzzy in-between space of eclectic choices is something I know well.

Image: Internet

Going with the ever-changing flow

Today I was planning on attending the conscious play party I had mentioned in a previous post, but I had a scheduling conflict with my new stoicism course and ultimately my intellectual curiosity won out over my other, baser curiosities. Suppose that’s another obstacle one faces as a sapiosexual: knowledge, exploration, learning, discovery, adventure and novelty always call to me. The more complex, the more applicable and the more potential to lead to even greater opportunities to learn, the better!

I’ve been deeply invested in my personal development these past few weeks – but again, that’s true of the past months, years and even decades. My obsession with progress has taken many forms and the more I discover, the more I find I have to learn. However, today in my Mastermind Group call we did a “spiritual business plan” exercise and I was pleasantly surprised to find my purpose not only apparent, but shining brightly through the work I’m doing on myself, as well as creatively and professionally, and ultimately what I hope to accomplish with this life.

Image: Internet

Identifying my personal Maxim

We are all responsible for our own magick

– Mayryanna

It all boils down to spiritual alchemy for me. “SPIRITUAL ALCHEMY THROUGH ART, EXPERIENCE AND EXPRESSION,” to be precise about the notes I chicken scratched across my notebook with mostly closed eyes this morning. Yes, it’s about taking courses on Stoic Philosophy to learn more “cool stuff” but it’s also about exploring emotional resiliency and how hard wire my brain for tranquillity and gratitude even in the face of worst possible scenarios. It’s about observing and learning in order to not only become better myself, but also to contribute to the betterment of my entire world.

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Despite the differences, it always comes back to the same thing for me

Maybe I’m not simply a poly-sapio-pansexual individual either. Maybe the desire I have to extend and explore the expanses of love, generosity and affection is also traced back to this inherent feeling of alchemal purpose. Perhaps I experience these spaces of possibility as another form of education for my soul.

In these ways, I feel that conscious play parties are no less important for my development than stoic resiliency. Even though today the disproportionate financial investments made the discision easy for me, I have every faith I’ll have more opportunities to continue exploring. At least I have every faith that I will continue exploring, regardless of what opportunities I have or do not have.

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The enjoyment on the other side of fear

I can get caught up worrying about dissapointing people and consequently, I am afraid to make decisions sometimes. Yet, on the other side of my fear is my ability to step into my purpose and express my truth confidently. By simply aligning with my purpose, what’s important naturally becomes clear.

Stoic theory encourages living in accordance with nature, going with the flow and developing amor fati, or a “love for one’s fate.” Undoubtedly my interests in these teachings will continue to help me further understand and discover my nature, only encouraging my journey of authenticity even more. I have no doubts that regardless of the intricacies of my smaller choices, my patterns are dependable.

Image: Internet *Mayryanna’s signature added

There is consistancy in my desire for change

Within myself I have a truth, an expression, a unique fragmentation and powerful refraction of the divine whole. I am a seeker, a learner and a discoverer, but I am also an alchemist and healer. I explore in order to learn so that I can apply and refine knowledge in an effort to synthesize information into an optimized system of progressive application for the metaphysical benefit of all existence… What my mind, spirit, soul and heart are constantly working towards is complex and confusing, even to me, but fortunately I don’t have to worry about doing what comes naturally to me.

Now, to learn how to stop judging myself for those things and stop trying to go against my nature or the external forces of nature in order to become what I am not or control what I have no control over… That’s the challenge I plan to face on my Stoic Quest. Getting back to that prized stoic tranquility will require unlearning some difficult and painful lessons, but I have every faith that with practice these too will become more easy and effortless. For now, I am content to ponder, and to allow that space of my unknowing to work the magick of my calling.

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