To tell the truth, I have been feeling pretty down on myself today. After waking up this morning and realizing I didn’t get something posted yesterday, I felt like a bit of a failure. I have a tendency to be hard on myself even when I do things well and I can really start to spiral when I make mistakes.

My perfectionism and self doubt have been screaming at me each time I dare let my mind wonder to what I would be posting today, “why even bother?” Yet, that’s exactly why I have to write this.

I have to keep posting, not because it feels good and makes all my insequrities dissapear, but because it does the opposite.

Resistance training of a different kind

Recently I attended an incredible retreat called Apotheosis by the wonderful souls at High Existence, and one of the many discoveries that was made there was that to achieve the greatest personal development a person should lean into their resistance. This is kind of a spin on facing your fears or “eating the frog,” and essentially we discovered that pain, discomfort and other undesirables are often (if not exclusively) indicators that something needs attention. So, my monkey-mind about my inadequacy? It’s actually a good sign.

So let’s lean in. Of course I am not the best daily blogger, I’ve been doing this for four days. Forgetting to post yesterday isn’t a failure, but letting that misstep completely derail me would be. Self-sabotage often comes at a cost of the best intentions. Posting every day is uncomfortable for me. I have doubts about this post, the posts I will write this year and even the few posts I have already written. This is merely an indicator of my own perception of myself, and that won’t be changed by my giving up.

Gratitude for my mistakes gives me opportunities to rediscover my development

Yesterday’s stumble led to today’s reflection and ultimately I believe it will continue to help me discover the patterns and conditioning that are truly holding me back. It’s the push through, the not giving up even when I want to, that will make this time different from other attempts that were self-sabotaged by my ignorance and desire to avoid the discomfort of my doubts. Now, armed with a curiosity to see just how far my resistance can take me, I’m going to mark yesterday’s lapse as an absolutely essential part of this journey.

This powerful shift of perspective has begun to create other shifts as well. Rather than the depressive energy of allowing my doubts to defeat me, I am revitalized and excited by defying them. Instead of posting just another throw together piece, I am inspired to make better content that reflects all of this meaning.

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Tattoo on my left arm

This journey of optimal mastery is one I’ve been on for a while, and it will continue my entire life.

As a student of life, I will always be a novice at something. I will always have more to learn.

Getting comfortable at being uncomfortable will only benefit me. Learning to accept and even celebrate resistance will ultimately give me back those times in my life when I am uncertain, frustrated or in pain. Training myself to look at my doubts as opportunities for growth and my failures as stepping stones to my success will help me to continually gain momentum no matter what difficulties come my way. Not letting my discomfort derail me from my commitments and goals is the type of resilience and discipline I want to integrate into my life.

And that’s what optimal mastery means to me, today 😘

Here’s to being better than perfect –

Mayryanna