I’m not sure I know how I feel right now.
If anything, many things?
Today has been a good day, in many ways.
I’ve been really happy.
Today I have felt like I’m flowing more and it’s nice.
Not overthinking and stressing about task after task or lifestyle productivity hacks I haven’t mastered…
Not continually grading myself from the very moment I woke up and yet, still managing to have a morning ritual and shower earlier than I usually do…
Not hyperscheduling my householding responsibilities yet somehow still cleaning more than I had planned and even doing my errands with a friend, varnishing my painting from the other night at her house too…
All just unfolding naturally, without my anxious obsessive planning or figuring out, I got things done and had fun doing it.
It feels nice, I feel… Relaxed?
There’s those other feelings too.
Those feelings remembering how I was still up in my head yesterday about all of this, completely distracted and not creative or “in the flow” at all.
Thoughts about things I haven’t done kreeping in again…
Is it because I ate a good dinner and sat down?
Is this that will power dip I’ve heard about and why is it manifesting as this self-deprecating sadness?
Part of me wants to do more things and hopes I just start on something (oh look, I’m doing this), to keep the day’s momentum going.
Another part of me wants to do nothing.
Another part of me feels like I need to get over my incessant desire to constantly be doing something and actually fucking relax.
The part of me watching all the other parts of my consciousness interplay is writing this article.
I’m glad it’s in charge.
Maybe that’s the flow?
The calm observer that witnesses and seeks understanding, yet never grasps desperately to force or manipulate reality beyond choosing the intuitive course at the intuitive time.
In which case, this intuitive flow is really just a sort of patient but decisive wisdom.
I’m going to continue on this path.
I will keep uncovering the characteristics of flow, through both the good days like today, as well as the bad or just “off” days like yesterday.
And the times like right now, when I don’t know what I feel and old thought patterns try to creep back in.
The watcher within will endeavor to learn, becoming more wise and more patient…
Even if that means having more patience with myself.