Coming in, and out

There’s a pretty major part of myself that I don’t talk about often.

Not because I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to.

Part of me wants to scream and shout, not give a damn who cares or thinks I should be different.

Another part of me tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about and I have no right to talk about things I don’t understand.

Yet, I can’t ignore the fact that this topic affects many areas of my life and thus deserves my attention.

If I were to lable it, I’d still have to give it a few

My sexuality isn’t exactly straight forward by my grandmother’s terms.

Trying to explain pansexual to her a few weeks ago was quite the eye-opening experience for both of us.

My sapiosexual tendencies were briefly mentioned but I retracted and pulled back, realizing more confusing labels weren’t going to help me explain the last confusing label.

I didn’t even get to polyamorous, nor do I know if I would have tried.

That’s just a bit much and I think baby steps are needed here.

My grandmother unsurprisingly reacted a bit shocked and had questions, which I answered honestly even when it was extremely embarrassing.

She had me clarify that no, I am not a lesbian and no, I’m not bisexual or ‘curious/confused,’ and finally that I have found people of various sexualities and genders attractive.

I’m not sure what she thinks about all of it but the impression I got was that she simply won’t.

She said something to the tune of, “you really would never lie to me would you?”

Almost as if to say lying to her about it would have been better.

We haven’t discussed it since, even though she has brought up me ‘finding a man to love so I can be happy’ again, several times…

I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles

My grandma’s happiness was assured through her 62 year long marriage to my grandfather, the love of her life.

I can’t expect her to understand that I’ve never wanted that.

I can tell her that I was confused by wanting to kiss my female friends when I was a child, but I can’t help if that makes her feel sad for me rather than happy I’ve finally been able to admit that after decades of shame.

I can tell past lovers that I never want to be a wife, but I can’t make it hurt less if they decide that’s the best I could ever be for them.

Ready or not…

I can explain to friends that I don’t simply find every person attractive, but I can’t make it hurt less when they feel the need to distance themselves from me or assert that they aren’t attracted to me even when I’ve never had feelings for them or ‘made a move.’

And in these ways, I find myself feeling alienated.

I’m 30 years old and only just beginning to get to know myself as an unbiased sexual being

I feel like an imposter in many ways.

I’ve largely only had sexual experiences with men.

I was married to a man.

My last serious relationship was with a man.

My only relationship with a woman was toxic and ended badly.

We had started out friends and were both with other people.

We eventually explored our sexuality and even polyamory together.

She got married and our relationship expanded to include others as well.

Eventually we had a complete falling out, which included ending our friendship.

I haven’t even attempted to date a woman since.

But I want to…

I get invited to parties and it’ll be 5 couples, and me

Many of my very good friends are married and have children.

And I couldn’t be happier for them – I love being auntie May.

Yet, I’m over here still trying to figure out how to even talk to someone I find attractive, especially if they’re a woman or trans.

There’s an entirely non-gendered part of me that I don’t even know how to make feel safe.

There’s curiosity, there’s desire, and there is immense fear.

I just want to be Mayryanna.

I want to present myself fully and without the censors I’ve been groomed to have in order to keep other’s comfortable…

So I’m going to a different kind of party

I signed myself up for a ‘conscious play party’ that will be happening in a couple weeks.

I got invited by a friend and was immediately interested and also terrified.

So, before I could over think it and talk myself out of it, I bought my ticket.

Reading the rules and talking with my friend, I feel confident that this will be a safe space to explore my sexuality without pressure or expectations.

I’m really excited.

Is it hot to think about? Well yea, but that’s not what I mean.

I’m excited to be in a space where I don’t have to explain myself or apologize for myself or try to qualify myself.

I’m excited to be in a public space where I can uninhibitedly dress to express my sexuality rather than diminish or hide it.

I’m excited to be around other people who have struggled to find their own safe space to explore their identity and sexuality, and especially to meet some people who do exist confidently and comfortably within these sadly, still subversive spaces.

I’m excited to face my resistance.

I’m excited to face my shame and fear.

I’m excited to embrace myself more fully.

Even those parts of me that make others uncomfortable and that I can’t always talk about…

I’m excited to step out more fully into the world as a confident and proud Polyamorous Sapio-Pansexual.

Ready or not, here I come.

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