One of my favorite Facebook features is it’s Memories. I love being reminded of where/who I’ve been, the thoughts and hopes, and yes even the pains I have had… Like today, coming upon a memory of a shared memory:
you’ll wake up.
Someday, you’ll realize the depth of desperate love and the breadth of self-inflicted pain…
that Someday, I’ll still be dancing –
beautiful, dark tears whimsically falling from my black-hole gaze:
artfully creating reflective paths down my face
caressing my desperately parched lips
cutting deeper still, into my cavernous soul –
you will see my spirit as clearly as I’d hoped you’d seen it yesterday.
– mayryanna, 2015
The original was posted in January of 2015, just a couple months shy of my divorce becoming official and about 6 months into essentially being ghosted in my separation from my exhusband. At this point in my life, I was fighting tooth and nail to gain the personal autonomy I had never really had. I had been “under the protection” of my narcissistic father until I met my bad-boy, career criminal ex at the age of 20 and I was too enthralled by the things I’d never been exposed to before to stop and ask if maybe ALL the exposure and experience was necessarily beneficial.
Before I knew it, I had gone from being a well-groomed Christian with some doubts, traumas and insecurities to becoming the “ride-or-die” bitch of a drug dealing, self-glorified thug. I was a virgin when I met him. I didn’t really do drugs before I met him. A LOT changed when I met him…
Truly, I did love him, and always will – but, I’ve also learned to love and respect myself… After the chaos of my marriage. After the devastation of my divorce. After complete and total burnout – I found hope again.
I still feel this undeniably raw pain, loss and release… The heartbreak is just as fresh today as it ever was. But, now it’s accompanied by pride, assurance and joy as well.
I can see me, the real me, peeking out through the edges of this post.
I’ll still be dancing
I can look back now and recognize the authenticity of my spirit within it’s torments.
beautiful, dark tears whimsically falling from my black-hole gaze
I see, that despite feeling lost and having truly “lost it all,” my soul has always retained its finer qualities.
my cavernous soul
And I’m finding that, this Someday, I am truly seeing myself and I finally –
see my spirit as clearly as I’d hoped you’d seen it yesterday
Blessed be Felix – wherever you are now, I hope that it is a more truthful and blessed place.