Revisiting Strength

So here I go – my first post based on a prompt from the app Paperblanks: “a time that I felt really strong was…”

Nothing simply sprang to mind, but I’ve thought about it for a little while and now I am trying to decide between a few instances.

Standing up to my father and denouncing his religion was the first to come to mind. Followed by the second time I stood up to him and subsequently estranged myself from his toxicity… But then I turned inward.

Image: Internet

I revisited memories from Apotheosis 1.0 and though percieved somewhat antithetical, I recalled my vulnerability with complete strangers and openness to deep healing as some of the strongest moments of my life…

Then I returned to more confrontational memories, particularly of resisting the manipulations of my ex-husband when he has reached out in the past couple years… Encouraged by both my forgiveness as well as my insistent and unmoving boundaries. Proud of myself for finding the balance between not having to use anger to protect myself and also not taking on his issues as a result of my love and consequently enabling him again…

Image: Internet

Finally, I rested on something much more recent and up until now, entirely private. A beautiful, powerful and transformative experience that happened just this past week, during my routine Sadhana practice.

I was doing my Sadhana in the evening, which happens usually when I haven’t yet gotten to my practice yet for the day. Still, this experience wasn’t something rushed in before bed, it was organic and expansive.

I started with dancing. I haven’t ever done that before, but I put on the Mool Mantra and was immediately saturated with primal sensuality. The mantra is played 11 times in the version I listen to, lasting just over 11 minutes – and I had hit repeat before I knew it. A deep, beautiful rhythmic sensation filled my whole body with expressions of joy and life. I was even belly dancing and laughing with complete abandon.

Once I finally made it to my mat, there was no cessation of the embodied inspiration. I extended my Sadhana again and again, feeling inexplicably whole and interconnected, I just didn’t ever want to stop.

I sweat as I moved in deliberate repetition through my chosen kriyas. I blead as my playful kitteh Sammi chased his tail next to me and caught my leg with a swipe of his paw – but I didn’t even notice how deep his nails had gone until I saw the blood on my mat. I cried, again and again, overcome with the serenity, bliss and gratitude of just being…

THIS. This experience not only made me feel strong, it opened me up to witness my strengths in brand new ways. I was reminded of my soul, my purpose and that inherently I am love.

Image: Internet

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