temptation

mindless sensory stimulation

escaping from reality

too much

it always feels like too much

I overdose to forget

▪︎

wake me up when it’s all over

wanna check out and just go

help me overcome brutal nature

preoccupied with unknowns

going shallow

subconsciously avoiding depth

I’m noticing my patterns

remembering

I know my true power

I allow things to expand

I’m waking up and it’s all over

gonna cash out and just go

learning to love fragile nature

romancing the unknowns

handle it

I’ll do more than just handle it

there’s creation in my blood

love it

beyond all growing expansiveness

I’m embracing boundlessness

I’m awake and it’s not over

no getting out of endless go

finally honoring dynamic nature

surrendering to unknowns

like poetry

at half past one in the morning

breaking all the rules again

July begins Monday. How exciting! Not for any particular reason, but I do love beginning anew.

I’ve had the habit in the past of keeping up with monthly, weekly and daily planning. It always helped keep me on track much better than flying by the seat of my pants. Still, life is life and it gets away for you, so it’s been a few months since I’ve been able to thoroughly plan.

Not this July though. I’ve got plans.

First up: videos. I’ve been challenged to do a month of stream-of-consciousness videos by a friend and mentor of mine. I decided to wait out the turbulence of this past month with all it’s excitement and my subsequent struggles, but I’m excited to get to it. I’ve decided that posting them to the blog will be a great way of renewing my vitality here too, officially beginning the second half of the year of my commitment to daily blogging!

This upcoming month of videos will be very different from the videos I did for April. Those videos were undefined and the goal was simply to get a video out each day. I learned a lot doing that, but this will go a bit beyond that goal, as this time around I will be speaking from the heart straight into the camera… I anticipate many new lessons!

Secondly: I am going to be starting a workout challenge with my sister. I’m very excited about this as I always do better at challenges when I have accountability. It’ll be fun to be working from set workouts as well, as my self-inspired workouts can get a bit boring and repetitive after a while.

Thirdly: I will be carving out more time for my own studies, projects and collaborations. I’ve learned that I need to set aside specific time for these goals or they get pushed to the side again and again. I’m excited for the opportunities this will create but also know it will be difficult – yay for opportunities to grow!

Lastly: I’m beginning another 40-day Sadhana tomorrow that will run the entire course of July, finishing the 8th of August. My focus for this commitment will be strengthening and purifying my will. I will be utilizing the Nabhi kriya as well as the Mul Mantra in conjunction with personal Reiki to center, clarify and inspire my personal power.

To kick off the month, I have yoga and meditation scheduled at my local studio and healing center. Attending classes has also fallen by the wayside recently, so this will be a nice way of getting myself back in the door and setting a precedent for the coming month.

I’m telling all of you this because this blog and many of my readers have become invaluable source of accountability for me. I do not anticipate being perfect at all of these goals, but I’m excited to have them. I’m excited for a month of coming back to my practices and reinvigorating my commitments.

Cheers to July! It’s gonna be so hard, and so much fun!

I’ve been having trouble keeping up with blogging this week – though I think it’s a side effect of some sort of bigger picture… I’ve been tired, like abnormally, deeply and saturatingly tired. I “feel it in my soul” kinda tired.

I think I know why too. My sister and her husband left to do some visits with their missions supporters, and my exhaustion hit at the exact moment they left the house. My hypothesis is, knowing myself, I have been “on” since I got home from retreat. First it was the stress of making sure my grandmother was recuperating and catching up on things that didn’t get done while I was away, and then once my sister showed up a week later I was thoroughly distracted a d kept busy with family visits an my mom’s birthday. It’s like me to forget myself when I’m focused on being “on” for others.

So when I was finally given some space to collect myself, I found myself spent and utterly exhausted. I’ve been going to bed early, I’ve been waking up late, I’ve been skipping workouts, I’ve been forgetting to blog – and I feel great about all of it.

I don’t have the convenience of simply focusing on my needs all the time, and that’s okay. At this time in my life I get to be more invested in my family and I’m grateful for that. Perhaps one day I’ll have all of my own time to invest in myself, but I’m certainly content that it’s not right now.

Still, that being said, I’m learning to no longer resent myself for needing to go deep on my self-care sometimes – even when that just looks like taking a few steps back and going slower, getting more sleep and relaxing my own standards and expectations for a little while. This alone is a miracle. I’m really quite the expert at being hard on myself.

Even just a year ago, I was beating myself up non-stop for not reaching ridiculous goals I had set for myself. Now, I do still like having ridiculous goals, but I’m much more reasonable and understanding when they need to be adjusted. My flexibility is improving.

I haven’t been fighting this exhaustion because I know that I must feel this way for a reason. If there is a reason for my tiredness, it makes sense to honor it – even if it’s not ideal and is otherwise disrupting my plans. Looking back today, feeling much more rested after a few days of extra sleep, I can see how I haven’t had a break to begin integrating my retreat yet – so of course I’m exhausted!

Apart from all the spiritual, mental and emotional lessons I underwent just a few weeks ago, I also had a very physical experience as well. I felt as though every cell in my body had been upgraded – and that’s going to require an adjustment period!

Coming out of the fog of these past few days, I’m feeling much more capable and thinking much clearer. Where would I be if I hadn’t let myself rest though? Based on past experiences, I know I’d be frustrated and annoyed with myself, and I’d also still be tired instead of looking ahead to starting July feeling fresh and focused.

I’m so grateful that I’m learning how to be better than perfect. I am so thankful that I’m learning to take back my time. I am so appreciative of myself and the difficulties I have undergone in order to make myself stronger, as well as more sensitive.

have you ever felt

that sideways slant

where the you that you are

doesn’t match you somehow

motioning through goings

turning outside in

falling over scripts

forgetting to read

somehow all this

wrongness seems right

waiting on things falling apart

holding our breath

it might all kill us

we might survive

isn’t that existence’s punishment

forever presented with its demise

maybe it’s a ride

maybe not a game

maybe never to be won

maybe always just enjoyed

perhaps and perhaps again

forever echoing across time

what we resonate

mattering more than why

could we stop asking

the wrong questions

could we dare to try

collectively manifest a better life

celebrate different

encourage dynamic

appreciate the fact that we exist

marvel at the magnitude of bliss

such small problems

we endlessy fixate on

when faced with the boundlessness

of every expanse and beyond

can we trust, releasing

surrendering to divine flow

realizing that it’s all Ours

nurturing with grace

even on these days

when the one off is

ourselves, living a bit sideways

attempting to merge mind and matter

soul and substance

marijuana lullabies

devastatingly enchanting moments

tears of love’s vulnerable laughter