My art mimics my life in strange and beautiful ways. Poetry is the medium through witch I understand the otherwise unimaginable. My philosophy and my poetry are so intertwined, even I cannot find the ends and beginnings – this is one such poem. Written well over a year ago now, it grapples with the inherent, compelling nature of art, in which you feel trapped, fated and overcome by the need to explore, express and exemplify the very ticks of art itself…
On “Columbus Day” I celebrate Indigenous Peoples, on Christmas I celebrate Yule, and while others give thanks today I will be joining in, but with my awareness on the Displaced People around the world. That’s the true meaning of Thanksgiving to me, both with regard to the pilgrims when they came to America, and now as well with the Natives who have subsequently been displaced as a result of those settlements and my nation’s sordid history.
It’s not as simple as just giving thanks though, at least not for me. This holiday is one of the most gruesome and difficult, because this awareness of truth I soulfully maintain thrusts my consciousness into acceptance of all the evil humanity is capable of (as well as the good).
Does it lift people’s spirits? Does it make for great conversations? Is it trendy, popular or fun? No, it is none of those things we’ve been groomed to expect from our Holy Days, but it is a Holy Day none the less.
My grandmother was taken from her childhood home at just 9 years old. Sent to live in a “starvation camp” with her grandmother, brother and cousin, none of them would ever make it back to that house again.
My great grandmother Anna did indeed starve to death in that camp. My grandmother waking in her cold, stiff arms one day when she was just 12. Anna had been holding the tiny, malnourished girl as she had slept, and my grandmother had to cry out for someone to help her escape her own grandmother’s rigor mortis.
My own fortune began long before my birth or even my mother’s birth, when that brave, malnourished little girl dared to escape that camp – and did. She made it out alive, and this began her official journey as a displaced person, eventually leading her and her remaining family to seek refuge in America when she was 17.
Honoring the Pain
My grandmother is my hero. Her grandmother too, and I am so proud to bare her namesake as a part of my own (why I prefer MayryANNA to just Mayry).
I come from an incredible lineage of strong, caring and brave women. My great grandmother would serve the little bit of moldy bread they recieved in the camp as a gruel to the children before herself, and that sacrifice alone enabled my grandmother’s survival. To this day my grandmother recalls her innocence of not knowing what was happening when her own grandmother “scraped out the bowl” in order to feed herself after serving the kids.
My own grandmother has since gone on to make Anna so proud: making it through the hiding and unknowns of her displacement, coming to a new country and learning a new language, building a life and a family in North America, overcoming again and again. Yet, my grandma, in all her strength and success, is still displaced.
She will never return home. The trauma and great loss of her young life has scarred and scared her. One of my sister’s is now a missionary in Northern Macedonia (used to be Yugoslavia when my grandmother was a child) and has visited the town where my grandmother grew up – but my grandma is worried that if she ever went back to Eastern Europe they won’t let her leave (given her experiences, that of course makes sense, even despite the actual probabilities), so she refuses to visit.
It hurts me to see the repercussions of humanity’s evil still affecting my grandmother decades after her traumatic displacement. Yet, in honoring her, I must also be grateful.
I have never been displaced myself. I have grown up strong and proud as an United States Citizen, and I have enjoyed the perks of that designation my entire life.
Here in Colorado, I live on land once claimed by the Ute peoples and feel their lingering presence daily. I’ve found a rough carving of a bear that is somehow attuned to stand only when looking at a neighboring mountain (a highly charged site I suspect was considered holy or sacred), taking notice of hobbled trees and trying to find the ancient paths they once marked.
This is my home, now, but it is not only my home. It is and has been so much more, to so many more – and it will always be more. In a way, we humans are all displaced, we are all seeking a safe home and the opportunity to flourish on land stolen from our ancestors and borrowed from our children.
The land remains, yes, but so do the crimes. The memories, the traumas and the pain – all of that gets passed on too. Which is why I choose to remember, especially on this day: freedom isn’t free, true love does the tough thing and peace is hard won (often by heros in grandmother’s clothing).
I wrote this poem a couple years ago, but as I was contemplating today’s post and Neptune turning direct, Facebook memories popped it back up across my awareness and I was transfixed on how perfectly this poem fits with the energy of today.As you read below, put the poem in the voice of Neptune himself, as though he is speaking straight to your soul. Come into full awareness of your emotional body, feel the ways you have abandoned yourself and your truth. Recollect the pieces, choose what will remain yours, and go forward from today with renewed wholeness and sovereignty. Blessed be my beloveds!
You empty yourself out on the floor in front of me – you are so sure that something must be missing If only I’d assist you help you fill up this gape and yet, I do nothing –
I offer you no hand to help you tidy your mess – chaos of longing panic not affecting the pain, unchallenged by me Acknowledged instead, as necessary for strength
Call me cruel and heartless as my own heart still bleeds dripping – crimson memoirs of a life you abandoned of a child that used to be “I” – now terrifyingly a person unafraid
I will not pick up your pieces – or offer them comfort I cannot give Not for fear of falling Not for sorrow of loss Yet with love for flying – belief in rising up
Without your depths of hurt my heights of joy remain in lack of proper comparison So I know, the kindest the most blessed response is letting you try too Integrate, overcome –
Pick up those pieces, or leave them all there to rot Regardless, they’re yours I’ve chosen my burdens selected my pain carefully I will no longer sacrifice my soul for your fears
Are you worth your own care? Are you deserving of giving yourself your love? If not, how could mine ever help, or even hope to matter? You’re manifesting Your “owned” “reality”
Take your care and give your love – I need neither one I am my own “enough” Focus not on what lacks find instead what remains Your truth is something – I cannot create for you
Lessons to learn that I can’t participate in I am not your teacher I am not your guide or even your friend. As is – I am my own, as you are – only yours in the end
Beads of sweat, more than brimming – threatening, taunting, dripping into our eyes. We’re at the starting gate, chomping at the bit, yet held back by forces we don’t fully comprehend. Our whole being feels propelled forward yet we are physically stuck.
Minds racing, hearts pounding – heat pooling at our cores, threatening eruption. Freedom and purpose beckoning us from just beyond our limitations. “If only!” We cry, begging with destiny for the mercy to break out of our constraints and experience the fulfillment of these aching passions.
We are asked yet again to wait, but more even – we are asked to transform our waiting. We are being asked to develop our resilience, our steadfastness, our power and strength. We are not being tested, we are being transformed.
The opportunity of the archer lies not in the moment of the arrows flight, but in the calm and subtle positioning of their posture before they ever take the shot. It is that time now. We must take notice of our state, our your challenges and discomforts, our anxiety and anxious longing – we can take note of everything right now and adjust it all according to the trajectory of our targets.
Let everything be shaken loose by our passions. Let all priorities be sorted by our unapologetic truth. Become the nobel sovereigns, taking full responsibility for our lives and our goals, enabling ourselves with gratitude and authenticity.
“This moment is as precious as any. Savor your opportunities to survey and strategize. Indulge fully in the experience of your befores, for they all too soon become your afters…”
Mars opposite Uranus has all of us feeling irritable, anxious and annoyed. We want to do, we want to go, we want to accomplish – yet, all our efforts seem stifled, and to make it worse, we are the ones getting in our own way.
We keep reexamining, reconsidering, rehashing – we’ve learned so much in these past 5 months, but for the life of us we can’t put our finger on any of it. We feel disturbed, disrupted and even somewhat defeated. What a place to be! Both charged and subdued.
This is further aggravated by Neptune’s eminent turn direct tomorrow. We’ve been stewing in our own emotional, idealistic and passionate juices since July and we’ve had enough. Like a kettle slowly coming to a boil on the stove, we want to express ourselves loudly!
So what’s holding us back? In addition to its opposition to Mars, Uranus is also conjunct Venus, in her cardinal sign of Taurus. Not only is our action being opposed by ingenuity and change, but the very stability and foundations of our world are entertaining revolution and regeneration as well. Everything is up in the air right now, so we have no where to move forward from.
That is, unless we create it for ourselves, and that is exactly the power play move available to us today.
A Sovereignty Ritual
Get out a peice of paper and create two columns, titled “Spoiled” and “Sovereign” at the top. Now, tap in to yourself. Feel deeply into this moment, right now. Don’t force any thoughts, feelings or expectations – just sit.
Once you’ve found a place of calm within yourself, begin to write: anything you desire that resonates with either column should be placed there. The “Spoiled” column representing things that you desire purely from an egoic, fear or pleasure based standpoint. The “Sovereign” column representing the longing of your soul, your gifts/callings and the things that you feel a grateful responsibility towards.
No judgements, just discernment; place things out of authenticity rather than “rightness.” Some things in my columns will be opposite to how others place their associations, and that’s how it should be; our differences are our ticket to freedom.
Write for as long as necessary. Delve into every facet and faction of your life; leave no stone unturned. When you are done, read and reflect. Reexamine each and every association for traces of cross contamination from perceived egoic “rightness” and adjust as necessary until you are sure the lists are accurate and true.
Now it is time to make intentions. Are the things in your “Spoiled” column things you can willingly sacrifice for the benefit of the things in your “Sovereign” column? Why it why not? If it makes you uncomfortable or brings you pain, examine why, without judgement. Explore this idea for as long as feels productive and focus on developing a plan for what limitations you will be sacrificing as well as for what corresponding opportunities.
You do not need to sacrifice/adopt everything on your lists and can return to do this exercise again and again as you like. Look for patterns and groupings and choose one type of corresponding behaviors to focus on for now. Once you have your selection, grab two more pieces of paper and this time write a letter to both your Spoiled self and your Sovereign self.
Include what you are letting go of and why. Offer thanks and appreciation for all of the experiences and reasons you have kept these things with you, acknowledging their place in your life before relinquishing your attachment to them.
Detail what you will be nurturing in yourself and how your sacrifices will support your Sovereign intentions. Remain grateful and humble, trying to present everything objectively and clearly. Redefine the relationships you have with these parts of yourself, intentionally, with the precision of a master archer taking aim.
Once finished, you will burn the list and the two letters (please do so safely/responsibly). Starting with the lists, then the Spoiled letter and finally the Sovereign letter. This last act energetically releases your intentions to the Cosmos and seals the ritual as complete.
You may also bury the writings if you wish. With the fire element you will be adding the masculine/activation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Mars archetype at play), whereas by burying them you will be adding the feminine/incubation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Venusian vibes). Ask yourself about the urgency of your requests, you may even feel called to burn one and bury another – follow your intention’s prompting here.
Regardless of whether you do the entire ritual above, take some time today to set intentions. This is a powerful and potent opportunity that will have cascading effects throughout the next year.
Where do you want to be and how are you going to get there? What’s holding you back and how soon can you let go of those constraints? What truth exists in you, that when fully expressed creates unlimited self-admiration and respect, and how can you express that truth more and more?
Blessed be my dears, may you have the courage to do the hard and honest things, today and every day!