Have you ever had a day when everything was right, even in its going wrongness?
Yesterday was like that for me.
It was a great day, but it started off without the intricacies of my “perfect morning ritual.”
It was filled with love, even though I had to drive for 4+ hours back and forth to be able to celebrate my nephew’s birthday and receive that love.
It was productive, even though I was already tired when the time came for my meeting with my children’s book’s illustrator and I wasn’t entirely prepared because this is the first official artist/writer collaboration I’ve ever done.
And I did it. I did all the things that set yesterday apart from all the other days and made it yesterday.
I even got groceries on my way home from town (what the mountain folk in my little town call anything in the vicinity of Denver), even though that put me back at home at almost midnight.
In fact, shopping that late ended up being a bit of a highlight despite my considering leaving the task until today.
I liked being almost completely alone in an eerily quiet public space… Things like that always give me an energy boost.
My brain was like, “oh hey, now this is different! You have my attention!” When most the time it’s like, “laaaaa – de, de, deee daahhhh!”
I still ended up buying a dozen donuts they had just marked down and scarfed two on the way home – *sigh*
By the end, I finally typed up my little blog post yesterday before tumbling into bed and passing out.
I could easily create a list of things I wish I had done
I could have woken up earlier, gone through the steps of my spiritual practice, read and studied the variety of topics and courses I’m currently learning and started my morning off “right.”
I could have been better prepared for my day.
I could have made better time.
I could have not bought those donuts, omfgg…
I could have followed my own exquisitely detailed plans and everything would have been better…
I’m not so sure anymore.
You see, despite not having my own Sadhana time yesterday, I did get to do some breathwork during my Apotheosis Mastermind Group call in the morning, which was incredible…. And I’m still processing and meditating on the visualisation and impression that came through…
My intention was something in line with “releasing all that is holding me back from my most enlightened state of being,” but during the session my attention shifted to the actual “dead weight” on my physical body.
I saw myself represented without it, and without all the lower vibrations I’m “struggling” with.
It’s my face, my eyes, but the smile is my most mischievous.
It’s my hair, but it’s longer and more full.
It’s my skin, my arms, my tattoos, my legs – peeking out of a red sequined backless dress that has a plunging deep-v neckline and a slit all the way up my left leg…
I’ve met her before.
She sings sensually slow jazz numbers at a dimly lit speak easy all the way down the back alleys of my mind.
I’ve known her since I was a child.
I’ve only come to realize this woman is me in the past few years, but she’s always been with me.
She doesn’t speak and I’ve always just assumed she is a part of my imagination in some weird way, but I learned in yesterday’s session that we share a mind.
She approached me and for the first time, we gazed into each other’s eyes.
As we did, the space between us began dissolving, or perhaps we began transferring parts of ourselves…
Without a succession of thoughts I suddenly knew, any and all differences between me and my enlightened self are created and manifested by me.
My obsession with mapping out the steps from my current version of myself to my enlightened self, gives detail and texture to all the wrong things.
I am, in a metaphysical sense, in fact actually creating this space and this distance through my dedication to understanding and traversing it.
By assuming I am lacking or somehow disconnected from my enlightenment, that I need to work on this or that, or that once I have certain habits or meet certain standards I’ll be enlightened (or at least on a more automated path to enlightenment, can I get an ‘aho’ lol), I am actually actively manifesting my disconnection from my enlightenment.
I read The Place that Scare You by Pema Chodron last fall and was introduced to the path of the bodhisattva, but I don’t believe that’s what I’ve been doing.
I am not delaying my enlightenment so that I can help others, I’m merely spoiling myself in my own self depreciation.
It’s more akin to the teachings of zen I was introduced to in Alan Watts book The Way of Zen last summer.
Essentially, as long as enlightenment is something I believe I need to obtain, I do not have the belief that I am enlightened and can therefore not experience myself as enlightened even though I have always been enlightened.
What my already enlightened self showed me yesterday is that all of this is merely acts of essences.
As this current Mayryanna, discouraged by inconsistency and limited willpower, I am operating within the essences of inability, confusion and overwhelm.
Enlightened Mayryanna? She revels in the spontaneity and novelty of her life, trusting that everything happens for a reason and the divine plan for her is wiser than any strategy she could ever create.
Her essences are freedom, joy, peace, love and gratitude.
Her lists are never too long… Or too short.
Her spaces are never too small… Or too big.
Her joy is never too boisterous… Or too subdued.
She doesn’t exist in the realm of extremes where she is either right OR wrong. She is always both, always balanced, always uniquely only what she can be – and that is her assurance of enlightenment, just her beingness, not some fad or trend or validation she could recieve from others or from myself.
She’s a fucking QUEEN.
I AM A FUCKING QUEEN
Okay, so maybe this is going to take some getting used to.
I’m going to have to unlearn a lot about being hard on myself, setting expectations, and using reward/punishment to try and manipulate my motivations…
It’s going to take some forgiveness, from myself, for myself and of myself.
It’s going to take some reprogramming of my mind and heart, but I’m really excited!
The feeling that completely overwhelmed my entire being as my two selves merged together during breathwork yesterday is one of those that are beyond words.
It was a comfort so pure it reminded me of being very small, held in the soft and warm arms of my mother.
Completely unassuming, absolutely easy and immeasurably weightless.
I certainly don’t have it all sorted through yet, and I’m still trying to figure out how to adopt my enlightened “devil-may-care” attitude about those donuts and not resort to the well groomed and rehearsed self-depreciating thoughts and punishments I usually do…
Yet, somehow, I do feel better anyway.
I have hope.
A strange, stirring hope.
A thought I have not dared think before…
Maybe my enlightenment is the easiest, most organic and enjoyable thing I will ever experience.
YASSS QUEEN, SCREAM THAT TRUTH!
My enlightenment is the easiest, most organic and enjoyable thing I will ever experience!!!