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Today I woke up surprised to feel refreshed. I’ve been fighting a yeast bloom in my body, including inescapable inflammation, grogginess and fatigue. I have found myself frustrated time and time again by my own lack of energy, focus and desire these past few weeks.
Going straight from my dieta-clean-lifestyle in May and the first half of June while on retreat, to coming home and experiencing extreme stress, eating poorly at the hospital or restaurants, combined with losing track of yoga and meditation, made my blood toxic within a matter of weeks. Since grandma has been recovering however, I’ve begun to realise the extent of my recent personal neglect, though still surprised to be experiencing this plethora of consequences.
I’ve been taking small steps to correct the issues for about 2 weeks now, and I’m finally feeling some progress I guess. Thankfully.
Coming into Awareness
I have a tendency to be hard on myself for not performing at a high level, even when situations require otherwise. I always want to do more, help more, study more, clean more, create more, produce more, consider more, provide more, and even be more. I’ve felt this for the past few weeks, ever-growing as my energy was ever-depleting.
The more I pushed, the more my body resisted. I wanted attention. It needed rest, love and care. I needed to start paying attention – instead I tried to blissfully ignore the feelings of burn out build in my body, not understanding how I could feel so defeated from doing less and less.
I had just come home from retreat after all! I was feeling good spiritually, emotionally and mentally, which was enough to carry me for a while. However, when I started to ignore my needs for spiritual, emotional, and mental nourishment, my physical nourishment became erratic too.
At first the bad decisions seemed so forced. I’d be hungry and have limited options. Still, I soon found myself compulsively choosing high-processed, high-sugar foods even when I was home. I blamed myself further for my return to “comfort” or “emotional” eating yet again, when I had been doing so well.
This wasn’t the whole story though. Fortunately I began listening to Charles Esinstein’s The Yoga of Eating and began to understand that my environment was nourishing, or in recent situations, not nourishing me. Furthermore, I realised that the other nourishing habits I had cultivated before had been abandoned as well. I wasn’t simply comfort eating, I was starving for my own comfort and love.
Turning a Corner
In my recent fog I have also largely abandoned my studies and my divination practices. So this morning, reveling in my sense of renewed clarity, I spent some time catching up on celestial movements and my subconscious reflections.
Upon learning that Venus is moving into alignment and crossing the sun this week, as well as that the full moon will be occurring right after, I chose a 3-card spread representing Venus/Sun/Full Moon or Love/Ego/Harvest. I pulled the following from The Wild Unknown deck by Kim Krans:
I found the Ace of Wands inverted in the Venus/Love position and the 6 of Cups in the Sun/ego position to mirror the meaning of the Venus Cazimi (transiting through the heart of the sun). Here’s my intuitive reading:
Turn within in love, birthing yourself anew through the radical acceptance and awareness of your ego. Let the part of yourself that remains as a child despite the disciplines, consequences and growing pains of life reemerge and be celebrated. Remember what it is to play and allow yourself to become enraptured by the act of living again. Relearn your Innocence.
In this instance, my Full Moon/Harvest card also plays the Outcome position. Having the sun appear here was exactly the encouragement I needed to go within and face any resistance to self-love, self-nourishment and self-awareness I may have had. I broke.
Crying over the spread, I laughed at the absurd beauty. Grateful for the synchronous connections in my life that are always at work, even despite my own distractions, negligence and imperfect grasping. Marveling yet again at life’s impermanence.
I accepted the invitation to learn from my difficulties these past few weeks and now, to move on. I will embrace my playful innocence and release myself from the judgment of high performance. I will choose to embrace my ego for the beautiful expression of life it can be, rather than allow it to mutate into ever-changing evidence for self-loathing.