If you had told me just 2 years ago that I was about to go on an adventure that would change my life forever, I might have believed you – but I would have had no idea the scope, breadth and depth of that truth. I was busy planning my 30th birthday party and though my first plant medicine experiences were just on the horizon with Apotheosis 1.0, I was actively avoiding thinking too much about it because I was genuinely terrified.
Flash forward to today, as I reminisce on recent talks with friends from the UK, Canada, Thailand, South Africa, Germany, Netherlands, Portugal and Australia, I realize that am fast becoming the internationally recognized and renowned woman I always dreamed I could be. People I respect are asking me for advice. I have the ability to encourage and mentor, but also be encouraged and mentored by what I consider to be one of the most progressive and conscious friend groups of all time.
Here, now, at the precipice of an indistinguishable future for the world as we all face unprecedented crisis… I feel more powerful than ever.
Becoming a Stoic Mystical Sage
After 1.0 I plunged headlong into integration like a bat out of hell, but I was still using all the same tools of ego and manipulation that I had been groomed too. I began studying Reiki and started volunteering again. In spite of these changes though, the 5 months between 1.0 and 2.0 were filled with my own harsh criticisms and dissatisfaction, which made the celebration of self I was given in the Netherlands for my second plant medicine retreat all the more surprising and healing.
After 2.0 I took advantage of help. I joined the Stoic Quest and a Mastermind Group, signed up for personal coaching and set to work. This was how this blog was born – of a woman desperate to make sense of the miracles changing her world from the inside out.
At the time, I couldn’t tell just how important these choices would be, yet here/now I still find myself constantly recommending stoicism, coaching and Mastermind groups. I had come with magick, it was my faith is what lead me on this Shamanic Journey to begin with, but in these environments of philosophical and purposeful exploration I began to stitch together my own mystical potential. I had found the balance point to my endless depths in the tranquil waters of Stoic theory.
Actualizing My Destiny
The breakthroughs didn’t stop with my studies though. I continued to challenge myself and attended 4.0 for more of the medicine and clarity that had supercharged my evolution. What I walked away with was so much more expansive though…
It’s fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of this last retreat I took and in that time I have begun my Kundalini YTT, as well as an Astrology and a Digital Nomad course. But, it’s different this time…
My ego no longer calls the shots, bullying me into achievement with it’s harsh criticisms. It’s become next to impossible to manipulate myself and my productivity/consistency has had mad flux as a result. Yet, I am unbothered, my value and worth no longer synonymous with my output.
So, while from the outside looking in, these past few months of 2020 have appeared to be a shit show – the reality is, I’ve been making more progress than ever. I’ve been reconstructing my very foundations.
Making Preparations for My Next Jump
My 32nd birthday is 10 days away. I have always been fond of my day of birth, 23, and it’s reversal 32. I suppose that’s why I have been counting down to this particular birthday that might otherwise seem completely random.
There were so many things I thought I would have achieved by now… and I have succeeded in so much more.
I don’t have the big fancy house I thought I wanted when I was a kid – I have a home I carry everywhere with me in my heart. I don’t have the successful, doting husband I thought I wanted as a moody teenager – I have a romantic and sensual relationship with myself and the world that fills my soul with ecstasy in each and every moment, whether I am in solitude or with a lover. I don’t have the flashy vanity-fuled car that I thought I wanted as a young adult – I have an old hand-me-down van my grandma and grandpa used to drive that I will be venturing out with my cats in on a solo adventure through the western US this summer.
Everything I thought I wanted now seems to be a prison. I am so grateful I didn’t get those things – I had a lot to learn before I was ready for the havingness levels of my destiny… And I’m giving myself 10 more days.
10 more days to spend in dissonance. 10 more days to dissolve evermore into the void. 10 more days to take myself less and less seriously… Because the day I turn 32 I am making my next Quantum Jump.
I have some ideas as to what reality I’ll be manifesting, but for now, that’s not my concern. For now I am still undoing, releasing and letting go – so who is to say that what I think I know now will remain? A lot can happen in 10 days, so for now, I’m still suspended… And I am going to savor every moment.