This poem/song is one I wrote last summer and it’s one of my favorites to perform as a jazzy spoken word that always ends up getting sung

smells like sex

There’s a quiet buzzing

between my thighs
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a subdued arousal
easy secrets to hide

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I might be shifting
a little back and forth

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maybe a little ditzy
distracted, unsure
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Careful to assume truth
is what you wish for

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your eyes stumble first
my body their delicate fall

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the air is thick and sticky
your skin near mine is hot

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I lose my own breathing
matching pace with yours
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Kisses tender, then harder
sweet and spicy seduction
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I wisper: “take me baby”
loosing myself in your rhythm

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Not once, not twice, no –
always – I want you
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straddling your universe
I become your sky

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it smells like sex in paradise
we’re going to heaven tonight

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sweet, sweet, creamy and sweet
salty and sweaty, quite the tasty treat

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drive into me baby – I’m your sceenic hwy
dive into me baby – I’ll be your milky way
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It smells like sex in heaven tonight –
it smells like sex in heaven tonight –

I have found myself
right here
In places lost

In lands foreign

In times past

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In stranger’s eyes

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Looking through the left
into soul
Into frightened smiles

Into hopeful winces

Into greatful chuckles
·
Into generous frowns

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Half a world away
from familiar
In spite of difference

In contrary language

In difficult navigation
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In blessed confusion

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I have learned to let
everything go
In moments I’m scared
In times I feel lost

In terrifying appearances

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In lackluster thoughts
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I’m not the same
but I’m more of myself

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I’m not playing games
but I’m having all the fun now

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I’m not exactly suprised
but I can’t say I expected any of this

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Getting good at not expecting
Getting good at letting things become
Getting good at witnessing becoming
Getting good at witnessing “me”

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I’ve found I like myself
This woman I choose to be

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I’ve found kindness repays itself
That in giving I return free

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I’ve found that life is the Self
The other only a mirror to see

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I have learned to love
my monsters
In their ugliness
In their painful glances
In their testing tales

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In their awakening screams

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Half a world closer
to truth
In glorious difference

In multiple languages

In dynamic navigation

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In the bliss of confusion

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Looking past the right
into real
The imperfect dreams
The worn out seams

The colorful nightmares

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The dull realities

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I have found my purpose
is everywhere
In investigation

In discovery

In conversation

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In sharing the best of me

The last couple weeks (or few weeks?) have flown past in an intoxicating whirlwind. I feel I’ve been tumbling through my life, barely scratching the surface of mundane reality while still engaging with *most* of it.

Things have been left undone. Priorities have been forgotten momentarily, here and there, to add up to responsibilities slipping accross the board. Mind you, I never get it all done – but this time around I’m not stressed about it or anxiously trying to avoid the inevitable through some miraculous equation of right action.

Ah, oxytocin – what a wonderfully silly chemical you are. This is certainly one way to fall into flow.

Learning to let go and open up

Missing my last Mastermind Group call, skipping a philosophy class – I’m tempted to think that my newest distraction is a bad influence… But the reality is that I made those choices without him even asking me to (or knowing I was making them, because he wouldn’t have let me skip either I’m sure lol). What’s going on is much more than that, and I think it’s in line with healing my perpetual symptoms of perceived inadequacy.

I skipped my conscious play party and we missed another party we planned to attend together simply because enjoying one another was more tantalizing and desirable. It feels like this recent past has been all about achieving more satisfaction for less complexity. Rather than feeling dissapointed by my distraction and loss of focus, I’m grateful for it – the work has continued despite the change of course.

I’ve been facing some deep fears. I feel safe in my lonliness and independence so letting someone in can be very uncomfortable for me. I can even be completely honest, with friends and family for example, and not really “open up” or allow myself to be vulnerable; a lot of talking about feelings rather than allowing others to witness me actually feeling them. I don’t ask for help, even when I need it, because I’d rather fail on my own that depend on someone else… And this is all being challenged by my desire to make room in my life for this man.

Image: Internet

Reevaluation of my evolution

I’m not sure what I expected, but it was definitely not that I would be reevaluating my approach to my development because I would become grateful for the perspective of distraction. No, if I had known in the beginning that this romance would lead to missing out on any Mastermind or philosophy instruction, skipping my play party and cancelling plans on friends last minute because I’ve lost track of time in his eyes again… I would not have entertained my interest in this man at all. Yet, here I am.

Being told that I am beautiful and only then realizing I was feeling ugly. Being held when I am overwhelmed with emotions of inadequacy. Being allowed to be a mess, and being adored in that messiness. Challenging my limiting belief of unworthiness in entirely new ways; learning to appreciate myself the way he does – so effortlessly.

Am I being less productive? In some ways. Am I taking my opportunities and possibilities for granted? Possibly. Am I rediscovering myself from a lens outside of my own personal bias and shaking up my perceived needs and limitations as a result? Definitely.

Stepping into the full glory of my imperfections

I don’t look the way the magazines and other pop culture machines tell me I should, but I feel my inherent desirability deep in my powerfully convicted core. I don’t make a lot of money, have a fancy title or collect any of the material trappings that would make others envious of my life, but I feel my inherent value overflowing in my joy and love. I don’t know everything about anything, I’m not always right and I make mistakes, but I can feel my inherent wisdom gently guiding my attention in this flow.

I’m enjoying my surrender. I am basking in the wonder of not having it all together and celebrating the qualities of my undoneness. I’m learning that all you have to do to get everything you want is to want everything you have.

I am letting it all be okay. I am actively choosing to not let things become a big deal. I have always had this choice, and even though the oxytocin has helped release my grasp on controlling my development and progress quite a bit, this has much more far reaching impacts as well.

I’m gaining more understanding about my preoccupation with my inadequacy and how its effects extend far beyond accomplishing daily mundane tasks. I am seeing my own behavior more and more clearly, even to the extent of how I have allowed my goals to become weapons to use against myself in certain respects. I’m learning that imperfect doesn’t mean “not worth it.”

Getting comfortable with missing the mark

So, there are some targets I’ve been missing recently. There are even some shots I just didn’t take. Yet, in stepping away from the range, putting down my weapon and allowing my shaking arms to relax, I have begun to open my eyes to the beauty of not aiming at all.

Some of life’s greatest pleasures can never be achieved, they must simply be allowed. So, I’m unfurling. I’m opening up my delicate center, peeling away petal after petal, allowing my essence to permeate my reality and entice exploration of my depths.

Here’s to returning to my oddities. Here’s to settling into my bones again. Here’s to living my life, unapologetic of being flawed, distracted or human.

Image: Internet

I’ve been a little busy lately, taking my time. I met a man a few weeks back and we’ve been enjoying one another’s company more and more.

He has this special quality of making me feel small, in a comforting and disarming way… And it’s not just because his 6’9″ dwarfs my normally oversized 6’2″ frame quite delightfully.

He listens intently to my stories. Even when I’m knowingly trying to scare him away or warn him off the dangers of me….

Instead of running, or acting even potentially disturbed, he challenges me right back, with kindness, patience and warmth… Slowly melting the sharp icy points that have built up around my heart.

I asked him to be my Valentine this weekend. He said yes.

He told me he loves me yesterday… And I told him I love him too.

Feels so loved when she is lonely

Watching wistful in all her glory

Peering out upon foreign worlds

Holding hope in hands uncurled

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Hears silence in bellowing screams
Finds beauty in deserted scenes
Her brash rebellion is her security
Unanswered questions: tranquility

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She walks slow and deliberate
even when she’s dancing free
She sings in wispers of lover
even when she looks, silently
Gazing deep beyond the soul
she sees what isn’t yet known
Terrifyingly mesmerizing
Fall in as if you’re dying –

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She puts on magick every day
Each night she strips off reality
Swear galaxies are in her eyes
Universes colliding in her mind
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She is not escaping anything
She is gluttony for all thriving
Strip her down, bare her bones
Still she will bloom from her soul

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She talks slow and deliberate
even when she’s laughing free
She sways breezes of summer
even when she chills, wintery
Blaring blatent into the heart
She feels already what isn’t yet
Mesmerizingly terrifying
Rise up as if you’re aliving –

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She is the sun
She is the wind
She is the stars
She is the land
She moves our blood
She moves our breath
She nourishes fully
She makes dependent –
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Mother, lover, sister, friend
Is this beginning? Is this end?
Lost to the waves movement
Matter meet abyss, and then?
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She is nothing
She is the all
She is promise
She is the fall
She beckons life
She beckons death
She destroys entirely
She builds up again –