I am in a wyrd place.
I am not quite settled but not quite unsettled. I am finishing up courses and starting new ones. I am giving away old impulse buys and buying high end necessities.
I am malting. I am shedding. I am coming out of a hibernation period and releasing my undercoat while embracing the fresh spring sun…
I am also hungry, sensitive and vigilant.
The Obvious Purge
From the outside looking in, it’s pretty clear I am gearing up for change. Boxes and bags brim with trinkets around my apartment, awaiting delivery to their new homes. My stack of “books I have read and want to share” is growing at the same rate as my stack of “books I won’t be reading,” but both are still rivalled by the collection of “books to be read and then left in random places while traveling.”
My art collection is growing sparce as I slowly re-home my pieces. My candles dwindling as I burn them down and throw out their bones. Relics of a life slowly fading, drifting into past’s abyss.
It feels raw. It feels good. Yet, it is nothing but a glimpse of the action happening in my inner world…
The Subtle Release
Beneath the surface, there is even more being let go and surrendered. A process that began long before the external manifestation emerged.
The heartbreak of realizing I would need to leave my grandmother’s is ongoing, but this process began right along with 2020. I am going on five months of emotional purging, cognitive dissonance and heightened intuitive/spiritual experiences.
The more I release my attachments to things I can’t control, letting go of expectations and conditioning, the more room I seem to have for wonder. My consciousness slowly untying decades of programming, and patterning.
At moments, I am afraid. My ego cries for all of the ideals that it is trying to slough off. Nails dug especially deep into “making other people happy” and “becoming enough.”
Yet somehow, I feel this journey has only just begun…
Anticipation for the Nearing Horizon
In 3-weeks time, I will begin exploring life as a vagabond. No home. No “real world” job. Just me, my kitties and grandpa’s old van.
I will be moving in/out right after my last Kundalini YTT, to give myself a few weeks to adjust to van life before I head off grid. I want to learn first hand what I’ll need and what I won’t while I can still easily make adjustments.
I will be officially setting out, on Independence Day (yes, I am a dork). Heading North through the back roads, up over mountain passes, to find some nice National Forest to call home for a couple weeks. In the van I will have the freedom to have various campsites, with the ability to move my camp easily, but I have a great desire to simply “get lost in the woods for a while.”
Planning for Spontaneity
Come August I’ll be meeting HW in Yellowstone for a couple weeks of joint adventures before I head out even further away from home with my cats. My plans are quite flexible, but I have the goal to make it to Mount Shasta out in Washington state before I need to head back to Colorado.
I leave for Europe the second week of October, so at this point I am actually dividing my closet into two capsule wardrobes: one for summertime in the Great American West and another for fall/winter abroad. I have been tempted to map out my plans and create an itinerary for my adventures (truly a nerd, I’m telling you), but am feeling called to relinquish that neurotic tendency and just “go with the flow.”
I have never simply traveled, despite taking many trips, and I am finally beginning to conceptualize that. I am excited to have the opportunity to embrace my spontaneity in new and exciting ways and truly “see where the road takes me” for the first time in my life.
Making Peace with Disappointment
Despite my excitement for these processes, it’s seemingly disconcerting for my loved ones. It’s never easy to go against the status quo, and the people who care for me are sweet enough to always hope the best for me, making my decision to face the unknown alone difficult for them.
First it was HW, trying to make grandeur and grandeur plans to accompany me on my adventures. Fortunately, we were able to work through his pre-separation anxiety and I successfully communicated my need to explore my independence. Other conversations have gone both smooth as well as catastrophic, and I just have to accept that not everyone is going to understand or agree with my choices.
My grandmother was married by the age of 19 with all four of her children born by the time she was my age, so she has some difficulty understanding my bid for independence. She is still curious and thoughtful though, asking questions and making suggestions. It has been an enjoyable process despite our stark differences in personality and opinion, and it’s from within this place that I am beginning to grasp my freedom already…
I am releasing myself from the bonds of expectation and dependency.
Leaving Baggage Behind
From this place, it seems obvious that I cannot make my choices for others, but perhaps that is because I have spent my entire life doing just that. Sure, I’ve had my moments of defiance and rebellion, but even those reactions are due to the stimuli of other’s judgements. I have wanted so badly, for so long, to just make everyone happy…
And now I know that is impossible, so I have let it go completely.
Now, for the first time in my life I am asking only “what will make me happy?” Not “what will others respect/admire/appreciate,” not “what would make my family’s life easier,” and not even “what are other people doing that seems worth the effort/risk/time…” I have shed all of my desires to be understood by anyone but myself and it feels like I just took my head and heart out of a vice or mold.
I’m tender, yet confident. I imagine this is what a snake must feel once it’s shed it’s old skin. Yes, I am vulnerable right now, but it’s not because I’m becoming weaker. In fact, it is through this bold vulnerability and change that I am becoming stronger.
It isn’t the change that might kill me – it was my resistance to the change, causing unnatural stagnation, that was suffocating me.
Perhaps I have always been a freer being? More dynamic, spontaneous and flowing than even I can imagine right now… Perhaps, I am finally learning to just be, simply me…