I’m laying on the floor of the quiet yoga studio, accompanied by mats, books and a couple sleeping yogis. We just completed our first official Aquarian Sadhana and we’re taking a break before teacher training officially starts up for the second day.

Do I look tired? ‘Cause I feel tired!

I got up before 4am to make it here by 5 – not something I’ve never done in my life, but certainly not my usual. Per my self, I was up until almost midnight last night, partially because I had to write yesterday’s blog but mostly because it was nighttime and I always come alive at night. Needless to say, 4am came mighty early and there were at least a couple moments during our Sadhana shavasana and meditations that I felt myself waking, so I imagine I was drifting off to sleep despite myself.

Of course, now that I have an hour to rest, my coffee has fully kicked it! Alas, I am settling for a reclined position and getting ahead with this post (mostly so that when I get home later I can pass out without worrying about it lol). Seems like a good plan, albeit sleeping right now would be better.

What is a Sadhana?

“What is Sadhana? It’s a committed prayer. It is self-enrichment. It is not something which is done to please somebody or to gain something. Sadhana is a personal process in which you bring out your best.”

-Yogi Bhajan

In Kundalini yoga, we are encouraged to have a personal practice or Sadhana. Most often Sadhana’s happen in the morning before the start of the day. This is so that the entire day experiences the benefits of your practice, but it is possible to practice it at other times. The important thing is to have a disciplined daily practice in which you show up to meet with the divine and align with your highest (least dense/frustrated) self.

A Sadhana can be simple. I’ve heard from our trainer that we will be assigned a 3-minute daily practice for the weeks in between this training and the next 3-day weekend intensive in order to simply start making the habit for ourselves. However, traditional Sadhanas are 2 1/2 hours long and some, like the Aquarian Sadhana, follow a strict kriya and meditation schedule.

My First Taste of Tradition

I have been attempting to create my own Sadhana practice for months, if not over a year already. Throughout this period of time I have experience stints where my intentions have been very successful, yet there have been other breaking points that have proven more distracting and difficult for whatever reason (grandma’s health scares this summer and prepping for my showcase last month both come to mind). I am certainly excited to start trying again though, especially gradually and with the support of my trainer and the other students.

That being said, I think my longest personal Sadhana to date was probably just over an hour. This morning’s experienced easily doubled that and had me squirming (when I wasn’t falling asleep).

There were moments this morning (and yesterday, and during White Tantra last weekend…) when my ego was SCREAMING at me: “what do you think you’re doing? Whyyyyy? You hate this! STOP! Your back hurts, your hips hurt, your knees hurt… You can’t even stop fidgeting, you’ve already failed, just GIVE UP!” Yet, it can’t seem to understand that all its desperate pleadings and bullying only serve to convince me of my need for this practice even more.

Progress, not Perfection

The thing is, Kundalini is a personal practice. Most of the kriyas and meditations are done with your eyes closed, specifically to encourage deep internal personal reflection and growth. That means, no one is watching me and my ego squirm, they’re all dealing with there own devils – no, on this mat it’s just me, Spirit and my ego.

I see me squirm. I hear the voice of my mean and cruel ego trying to bully me. I experience the subtle and gentle encouragements of Spirit: “keep going, you’ve got this, YOU ARE SO STRONG! Rest if you must, this is for you.”

Sadhana, even the traditional Aquarian Sadhana, isn’t about obtaining perfection. There’s no right or wrong way to show up on your mat, the key is showing up. The daily discipline then contributes to progress.

There are few joys as rich and fulfilling as witnessing your own progress, personally, with only Spirit and your ego as witnesses. Small things, like bending a little deeper, filling your lungs a little more and holding a posture for even just a second longer than last time become milestones and PROOF that you truly can overcome all those nasty little things your ego wants to get on you about.

It is in the difficulties that we are given the opportunity to build true strength.


Alright, back to class. Love and blessings my dears!

“Is 6:45 early enough?” I wonder, quickly calculating that my Sadhana just took about an hour and 15 minutes.

“I could push it up, maybe to 6:15?” I think, glancing at my phone to see that it’s now 10:55pm. “Closer to eight hours if I leave it…” I briefly consider if I’ll go to yoga class in the morning before remembering that I’m waiting to see if we get as much spring snow as they say…

“I could still make it regardless,” I finally admit to myself and decide to leave the alarm set for a quarter to seven.

“Since when is getting up before seven not early enough for me?” I laugh, suddenly realising how absurd this sutuation would have been to me at every other stage of my life. I had never been an early riser, especially not voluntarily.

Smiling, I think about how easy it was getting up at 5:15 earlier this week to work out with my best friend. I feel satisfied in a deep and thorough way… “I’ve worked hard for this.”

I’ve been a bit discombobulated recently. Still not stressing, but life hasn’t slowed down. Last week was an extra busy with business and property taxes – next thing I know the weekend’s over, so are Monday and Tuesday, and I’m now 31!

Yay life lol!

Image: Internet

The happenings

Things are coming up fast. I got invited to read poetry at a festival next weekend and I’m now just 40 days out from the Apotheosis 4.0 retreat… Trying to plan details and rehearse for the festival, as well as beginning a Sadhana and corresponding dieta in preparation for the retreat.

No coffee/caffeine. No weed or alcohol. No sex. No processed/sugared foods and no animal products… Basically, for the next 40 days, I’m a celibate and straight-edge vegan who starts her days with yoga and meditation.

Sunset for my Birthday, Mt. Bailey

Possible challenges and distractions

Not sure how all that will work at the festival next week… But I’m up for the challenge and it’s only a few days of pack-it-in/out camping in the desert lol – if all else fails I’ll be soberly crunching carrot sticks while others imbibe inebriates, and I’m okay with that.

H.W. is none-too-pleased with the no weed/no sex/no sugar though – we like to enjoy all those things together… And he’s already formally threatened to try and sabatoge one of my commitments specifically lol – but I like being teased and I’ve been celibate for over a year at a time before so I think he’s in for some dissapointment if/when he tries to distract me from that commitment.

Image: Internet

Why I’m committed anyway

Following the dieta for the retreat is so important for preparation – both the other 2 reatreats I attended I followed the dieta, but a bit more loosely and and not for as long… And I’ve learned better. The dieta is more than just strict abstaining, it’s soul work: cleaning out the body/mind/heart of all stimulants and distractions, to ready the “temple” for some serious ceremony and worship. It’s the beginning of the transformational process provided by these retreats; a kind of spiritual, emotional, mental and physical investment into the process of the self-actualization and healing we hope to glean from our upcoming time in the jungle.

All of those reasons are why I am also including a Sadhana commitment with my dieta. Sadhana is the daily commitment to show up for your highest self; a consistant spiritual practice to align with truth and love. By combining my dieta and my Sadhana, I hope to make the entire experience more sacred and special for myself.

Spring melt ’19, Guanella Pass

And so-very grateful

The facts are, I am IMMENSELY blessed to have this opportunity. Not only to go to the retreat, but even to have the chance to give up all of these things. You can’t let something if you don’t have it to begin with.

This process will provide me with invaluable perspectives on just how prosperous and abundant my life is. Instead of feeling sad that I can’t have coffee this morning, I am grateful that I have access to hot water at all… Instead of feeling frustrated that I can’t have sex, I am grateful to have a sexxxy man in my life who desires to please me… Instead of feinding for weed, I am grateful that I live in a state where this medicine is not illegal and that I have access to it at all…

Perspective – so very valuable as a tool for reconstructing thoughts and feelings!

Image: Internet

And with that…

I’m off! Will it be easy? Not at all. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be excited about it anyway! Here’s a glimpse of my Sadhana Mantra Meditation this morning – Adi Shakti, one of my favorites:

It was a blessed day.

First official day off in months… And I did it right.

Slept in, went to both a Kundalini and a Yin yoga class (my sister taught the Yin class and it was extra special because I haven’t been officially been taught by her before), had lunch and caught up with a good friend I hadn’t seen in months and finally ended my day cuddling my sexy beau ❀

More post yoga glow

There were a lot of confirmations of my quantum jump too… Visions of my past self dancing in fields of wheat, her hair cascading down and around her as opposed to in a tight, efficient top knot, with a flowing red-polka dot on white dress instead of her usual rough rags πŸ™ It was incredible to witness such freedom and joy ❀ And also, watching TV and hearing actors and news anchors bring up quantum theory or their desire for accounts of more spiritual journeys 😍

My heart overflows with abundant, unrestricted bliss and gratitude ⭐

Sitting on the couch late this afternoon, I was taking a breath after our long trip into town for Amu’s doctor appointment, when I texted my sister:

A few minutes later I’m on my mat, going through the asanas of the Internal Balance Kriya. I listen to the Mool Mantra, one of my favorites, as I go through the awkward but invigorating movements.

The practice warms and relaxes me, but I also feel that delicious Kundalini activation take hold. As I finish and lay back for Shavasana I put on another favorite, the Ganesha mantra.

I sing along to the mantra for a few bars, feeling invigorated and light, when suddenly I remember information I read earlier today regarding the Akashic Records. Being in a relaxed and meditative state already, I decide to dip my toes into this new spiritual territory.

I begin with my intention:

With love, light and truth, I intend to access my Akashic Records to find the starting point of my aversion to discipline as well as the cause of my continual self-sabotage.

Immediately, my monkey-mind chimed in, “what are you expecting exactly? Nothing’s going to happen…” Yet, without missing a beat, my Watching Mind echos back: “sshhh…”

In that instant, I am on a road. A red, ruddy road, lined with wheat… And I am running for my life.

I am being chased. I have run away, desperate for freedom. I am an escaped slave.

I veer into the tall golden stalks, attempting to hide myself, but I am accosted by three men. Suddenly, I am aware of what happens next: I am about to die.

The men do not take me back to the plantation, but instead drag me into a small thatch hut… The same men and the same hut that just a year and a half ago I reexperienced amidst one of four past life death regressions I underwent during a deep, Binural Beats/Crystal Bed/Energy Healer induced meditation…

I didn’t need to go back into the hut today to know I was about to be raped, stabbed and then burned along with it. I chose to end the Akashic Reading and let out a broken and pained “thank you” before convulsing into sorrowful shuttering sobs.

What I experienced next was not something I had planned. I began to offer myself, this past incarnation, the gift of Hawaiian Ho’oponopono:

Thank you. I’m Sorry. Please forgive me. I love you…

Again and again, crying and gurgling, yet somehow still speaking the blesaings aloud… I became utterly overwhelmed with the loss, the pain and the betrayals against humanity I had endured as this woman.

This continued until I could breath again, the words gradually becoming calmer and steadier, until I could say them all with ease and grace… But I was no where near done.

Suddenly my mind returned to the hut, to my attackers and my gruesome death to come. Without thinking or questioning, I begin Ho’oponopono for my attackers.

Over and over and over, through tears and gasps as memories of memories flooded my brain. I could see their eyes, one with blue and one with brown, but I was transfixed by the man with the green eyes and fair freckled skin – the attacker that looked so strikingly kin to my soul’s current body…

The tears and sobs return evermore intensely and at times I feel as though I am choking on the words, but I bring them forth anyway. Staring into my attackers eyes, into the eyes of my murderers, as I am being raped and killed – and I am blessing them…

It’s harder, but eventually I can say it all to them with the same steadiness and resolve I gave to myself… And that’s when I jumped.

See, in previous encounters with this past life death, once I died I came up out of the first person experience to watch my dead body go up in flames with the hut as the men set it on fire with me inside…. I was also able to see a progression of my charred bones becoming a part of the earth as time simply continued on… But not today.

Once I had given my final, resolved blessing, my attackers vanished and Ganesha himself appeared in the hut. He scooped up my bruised, bloodied and broken body into his arms, carrying me out and away, into the ethereal plane.

I began to sing the mantra once more, for the first time becoming aware of my physical body as it is now, again. I felt as though I had sleep paralysis and was glued to my yoga mat, as well as a tingling sensation all over my body that I have only encountered before during intense guided Breathwork sessions at Apotheosis retreats… And another feeling too, but this one was completely different from anything I’d felt before.

My chest unlocked. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I’ll try to explain…

I’ve had an ongoing pressure at the top of my chest, between my heart and throat chakras, for as long as I have been becoming more aware of my body/mind connection. Despite yoga and pranayama, Breathwork and this-lifetime’s trauma work, it has never felt open – like there was almost a ceiling on my heart – and often it’s even been painful to try and breathe into that space… But today, it simply lifted and I automatically took the deepest breath of my life.

I am largely still processing all that I experienced and it wasn’t until I came across an article about quantum jumping that I began to make sense of the drastic shift that happened in the hut when Ganesha carried me away into heaven… Through engaging with my realities in this transformational and healing way, I’ve rewritten my timeline and changed this past life…

As far as discipline and self-sabotage, I do feel I understand now, at least in part, how this past life experience has been affecting me throughout this lifetime. I have been viewing discipline as opposition to my freedom, running from my own enforcement as though it seeks to enslave me again… But even more shocking, my choice to run for my freedom was a blatent act of “self-sabotage” that ultimately resulted in my death and yet, I have been proud of choosing a free death over a slave’s life… My self-sabotage, contrary to my previous suspicions, is not due to self-loathing or a belief of unworthiness but rather, it’s a point of pride…

Yea… Definitely still processing. I must say though, I did ask for it πŸ™