Originally written in December of 2016 for an online project I called Naturally Subversive.

Could it be that fear is an unnecessary emotion? That pain is not to be avoided, but in fact carefully saught after as means to growth and evolution? Is it possible that all we’ve been trying to avoid in our lives is precicely what we need the most?

Terrified

Growing up, I was not the girl that sought out danger. I did not like pain or discomfort and I never took a risk that could lead to either. I took these limitations to extremes. I wouldn’t play physical games with my friends or siblings for fear of getting hurt. I couldn’t enjoy the snow in the winter because the cold was so unbearable to my delicate sensitivities. That’s what my parents started to refer to it as: hyper sensitivity. I was allergic to hypoallergenic toiletries and all anyone had to do to make me cry was look at me wrong. I’d have meltdowns, publicly and privately. It got bad. The first time I tried to kill myself and had thoughts of “saving those I loved from this terrible world” I was only 10 years old. The world was a dark and horrible place and I couldn’t bear to try and live through all the pain. The depression persisted through high school and once my best friend died the month before my 16th birthday I began to experiment with self harm. Suddenly, the little girl who would panic and feel faint at the sight of someone else’s blood was a young woman putting blades to her own skin.


I had found myself somewhere I’d never been. Suddenly, pain wasn’t the scariest thing in my world, complete and paralyzing numbness was. Loosing my friend flipped a switch and then nothing mattered any more, nothing bothered me, and that terrified me more than anything. I had to feel something, anything, even if it was the physical pain I’d avoided my whole life.

Gone Reckless

Time would prove that blades aren’t the only way for a broken but beautiful girl to inflict pain on herself. I eventually stopped the self-mutilation, but only after I’d secured new torment. My ex was a charmer. Broad, strong shoulders and the strength of an ox. I’m six foot two and he could move my body in ways I’ve never experienced before or since. For a virgin with a reckless attitude for life and a desperation to find feeling again, this combination of danger and pleasure was exactly what I had been asking for. 


I had only been back from Australia for three weeks at the time I’d met him. It was a dream trip, something I’d wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I had made it happen, somehow, despite all odds. I was only 20 years old. I should’ve been elated, but I wasn’t. I’d found out for myself that even paradise can’t save you from your own misery. I suppose that first orgasm was everything I had been hoping for, the bliss I had been searching far and wide for and had almost given up on. I was hooked, and soon his libido wasn’t the only thing he was using to keep me on edge.


Ecstasy,  LCD, Shrooms, Cocaine; each drug mettled with alcohol and weed, I was lost in a blazing fury. The ways I was experimenting with my reality kept me up for nights on end and distorted the way I could think and feel, but I didn’t care. My ex slowly introduced me to his world of criminal activity; at first it was just drugs but before I knew what had happened my life had become a reoccurring COPS special. I only ended up in jail once, ironically for domestic violence against my hulk of an ex. Even that wasn’t enough to pry my new addictions from my hands, I held on and kept digging deeper into muck that had become my life. 


The twisted romance persisted for over six years, more than four of witch we were married. During that time he would spend almost three years locked up on drug, fraud or burglary charges. Still I stayed. I had convinced myself that the orgasms and highs were love and that we were destined for forever. I believed I could save him from himself, but I wasn’t even trying to save myself. Those years contained many of the most painful and horrific experiences of my life, and for a while I thought some of the best as well.

I came out on the other end feeling as fearless as I had ever been. The initial shock of the betrayal of my own heart set me on a new course. I was forced to face myself, to look at my pain and accept it. Everything changed.

Finding Boldness

Just 20 short months ago I was freshly divorced, decided to quit my cushy job and slowly began the journey that brought me here. I began to learn that I had control and that my thoughts and choices were all directly framing my life. Of course, there was a period of trial and error and I dare say I got a bit worse before I got better. I was bitter and I allowed it to get the best of me; this time the target wasn’t me though.


I became a bit of a man eater. I dabbled in playing Sugar Baby and eventually in Financial Domination. I really wanted to be immune to empathy for the opposite sex after the torments my ex had subjected me to. I didn’t trust or respect any of them so telling them exactly what they wanted to hear in order to maintain control and get what I wanted wasn’t an issue for me. I traveled to New Orleans, Oahu, Orlando and Vegas for “free” because I thought it would make me feel powerful and sexy, something I felt I’d lost when I lost my husband to infidelity (on both ends). It worked and it didn’t work. Did I feel sexy and powerful? Most definitely, but I also felt like I wasn’t able to be genuine. The dishonesty and manipulation was too similar to what my ex had subjected me to; I had found that I’d grown into the very type of person I was so determined to never let use me again.

Learning to Choose My Pain

Soon enough the glamor of luxury spas and restaurants in beautiful places wasn’t enough, I needed to feel real again, even if that meant breaking down my defensive armor and dealing with my raw broken heart. I was finally able to go within and examine my thoughts without judgment, and what I found would spark new interest in living authentically and pursuing my optimal nature.


I had to break it off with my suitors and even a friend who I had been entertaining the diffusional manipulations of. I began working out more, focusing on regaining my wholeness and health. Meditation, weight lifting, hiking and yoga all became more important as all the self care practices I had fruitlessly tried to implement for years suddenly became my go to for emotional processing and release. I had made decisions and finally it wasn’t just to do the fun or easy thing but rather, I had decided to pursue the pain that would help me become the woman I could most respect.


Flash forward and I’m building a bright future for myself and others online, writing the things I need to heal in hopes that my story might help others and still getting stronger every day. I am only at the very beginning stages of this new journey but already I’m reaping the benefits. I’m no longer scared. I don’t need anyone to sugar coat life for me and protect me from everything anymore. I don’t need to force pain in order to feel anymore. I don’t need to be high on drugs and sex in order to experience bliss any longer. I don’t need to influence and control men to feel powerful and sexy. In fact, I feel a very distinct lessening of need. It’s as if I have found the well of sustenance and joy that existed within me all along. 


I’ve learned that pain was a part of life in many ways, and I’ve also learned that you can’t avoid it, but that you can make it purposeful. If we’re all going to face difficulties and tragedies in life, but they don’t have to be meaningless and they can be beneficial if we so choose. It’s up to each of us to make the decision to stop playing victim and start training like a champion. Don’t let life just happen to you, make your dreams come true.


Be bold my tribe.

Below is some exploratory scifi fiction writing I did in college. The premise is survival in a dystopian world, years after a global crisis that centered on the internet itself beginning to entrap and kill those using it:

My heart pounding in my throat already, I can’t stop to catch a breath, I have to keep moving; if they catch me, that will be the end of ‘me.’ Weaving through the abandoned ruins, I must leap over the various corroded remnants of a world too quickly forgotten: a tricycle covered in overgrown plans, the decaying corpse of a wild dog, the rusted out fender of a once glorious Mercedes – nothing but trash getting in the way of my escape. Fortunately, I’ve had some practice at this; I know where I’m going.

     I duck through the broken window of one abandoned home and wait to watch the patrols rush by through another murky pane. This deep into the Dumperbs it would be hard for their hounds to catch my scent amongst the decay, especially if I round back. I sat breathing for a moment before I knew it was clear to get going again. I took a quick glance around, ‘no relics here,’ and was off.

     In the past eight years running has become the ideal form of transportation, if by ideal you’re taking into account the lack of ‘man-power’ to keep oil and gas pumping and cars moving as well as the fact that the Old World Decay made it difficult to bike. I was the fastest runner I knew. Of course, I used to only be able to compare myself to Grandma which made it easy. After she died I had to venture out into the world and soon my talents were tested against the other Bitch Brats. Taylor was the only one who could keep up, but somehow I still managed to pull ahead at the last second and beat her in every race. Running had become a way of life. We ran from the wild dogs, we ran from the patrols, and we ran for fun – I guess really, running had become the way of life for us.

     I quickly found the stash of relics I’d hidden in the debris and started back towards our Shelter. From the outside in it didn’t look like much – in fact, it looked just like everything else: horrible, decrepit, disgusting – but that was the point. It began with one home where we’d found a secret living space in the basement and over the course of the last 7 years together, the Bitch Brats had created an underground palace. Aside from running and finding relics, digging to expand our fortress was really the only other thing we could do to occupy our time. We’d even managed to connect to another home that had a large greenhouse and huge privacy fence; the fresh food at our table rivaled that of the Global Jury.

     It was different the first four years or so, everyone was still scared enough to mind their own business. We would go to the supermarkets and stores, to the abandoned homes in the area – where ever we thought we might find something we’d need – and just take stuff. No harm, no foul. That was before the Global Jury made looting illegal again.

     They claim it’s for our safety, but we’ve been getting along just fine; we don’t need their compound and rules to survive. So what if they want to reestablish ‘civilization,’ they certainly didn’t ask us. How the hell does some random group of women get the idea that they can just take control anyway? Granted, we Bitch Brats take control, but of ourselves… and only others if they happen to threaten our way of life.

     Once I made it through our booby-trap-esque security system I breathed a sigh of relief to be home again,

“Ladies, I’m home!”

     I let out a long billowing howl and waited not long before I could hear their replies through the corridors, Taylor was of course the first to reach my side,

“Elisa!”

     She exclaimed as she plowed into my side, nearly knocking me and my bounty onto the ground. I’d only been gone for a couple hours, but since our ranks had been picked off one by one until it was just us four, we no longer took any homecoming for granted.

“Oh hey Tay-Tay!”

     I let out a growl and playfully bit her ear. I could hear Tracy and Alleah in the corridor approaching fast and looked back up just in time to see their crazed smiles approaching full speed,

“Leelee!”

     They cried in unison and as they hit me and Taylor, we all went down together. Hitting the ground we laughed and rolled until I remembered what I had found in the Dumperbs,

“WAIT!”

     We all froze,

“What is it Leelee?”

     Alleah, the youngest and sweetest of us all asked sheepishly, her curious eyes already wondering toward my satchel.

“Don’t be mad…”

     I began and the girls immediately scattered,

“NO!”

     Taylor looked at me enraged, the other two clamored behind her terrified.

“It’s no big deal, it doesn’t even work…”

     I tried pushing a dust-packed power button again to no avail.

“Get it out of here, this isn’t ok!”

     Taylor looked as if she were going to burst a blood vessel.

“Are you going to take it out of here?”

     I asked deviously; I knew that none of them would touch anything that could potentially access the internet.

“Are you kidding me?! If you don’t get it out of here I’m going to beat you!”

     Tay was fuming now, but I didn’t care – she might be older, but I was the clever one.

“What then? You’re going to take it out of here after I’m bruised and bloodied?”

     I smiled slightly, I didn’t want her to get too mad but I couldn’t help it.

“Seriously, I am going to kill you!”

     She stomped away, the other two close behind.  Alleah turning her head just before rounding the main corridor. ‘Whatever… it can’t hurt me if I don’t turn it on…’ I turned the old smartphone around in my hands and sat staring at it – had I not pried it from a skeleton’s bony grip I would have never believed that this tiny device had killed someone… ‘But how?!’ Even if I wanted to mess around with it I couldn’t; it was eight years old, the battery had corroded and the screen cracked from the climate. ‘It’s harmless’ I thought and I shoved it back into my satchel.

I picked myself up and dusted off. I would go put the contraband in my cave before dinner – lord knows I’d be a dead woman if I tried to show it to them. I put it high up on my rock shelf, you couldn’t even see it if you weren’t looking. ‘Why do I even bother?’


     In the main cavern the girls were slow to set out the dinnerware; I could hear Taylor in the kitchen banging anything she got her hands on. I glanced at Tracy and she dodged my eyes; Alleah smiled and then seemed to remember she wasn’t happy and quickly turned away too. I walked past them both unconcerned.

“Taylor, you have to talk to me… Tay. Tay!”

“What?!”

     She turned from our water basin and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. Taylor was tough; as the oldest I suppose she felt she had to be.

“Taylor, it’s dead. It’s not going to hurt us.”

“It’s not that… I know… It’s just…”

     She turned away again. I went up behind her and wrapped her in my arms tightly. I whispered in her ear,

“What is it Tay?”

“I was grounded… I- I wasn’t allowed to have my phone… that’s – that’s the only reason I didn’t die with the rest of my family… I just…”

     I released my squeeze enough that she could turn toward me; she wiped her face and took a deep breath,”

“Stupid huh?”

     I wiped the last stray tear and smiled,

“You?! Never!”

     We both shared a giggle.

“Look, I’m sorry… I’ll never mention it or anything like it again… I don’t even know why I took it…”

     I began but she soon interrupted,

“No, no… it’s fine… like you said, it’s dead right?! Why should we give it anymore of our lives than it’s already taken? Do what you want with it… next time though…”

     She trailed off,

“Yes Tay?”

     I encouraged,

“Next time bring me one… I want to destroy it!”

     I’d never seen such hate in a person’s eyes.

“Otay Tay, you got it.”

     I squeezed her arm. With that we grabbed the rest of the necessities for dinner and went to join the other girls.

Suddenly, I find myself standing upon a mountain top, wearing chainmeal and scaled leather armor, the wind blowing snow all around me. Squinting across the harsh white landscape, checkered only with rich brown-red stone, I can make out an enormous yet solemn figure 100 feet in front of me.

I can make out an enormous yet solemn figure 100 feet in front of me.

The large white beast shutters with every breath, its pain and exhaustion apparent – it doesn’t stir at all from its slumped position as I move straight towards its large horned head, pulling my sword from my side as I walk.

I do not hesitate, plunging the blade straight through the skull of this majestic dragon. Its pain and torment finally subside with its last labored exhalation. Retrieving my sword, I immediately walk the long length of its neck, the shimmering splendour of its scales dimming with every step, until I plunge my sword yet again through its chest – this time keeping the entry shallow and slicing all the way down its powerful breast.

Reaching through the bones, I find the dragon’s heart, still hot with life and magick. I pull the massive organ from the carcass and watch as the other remains dissipate into a cloud of sparkling dust, swirling around with the snow in the wickedly bitter wind. I take the heart into both hands and make my promises before smearing it over every part of myself, covering my head, face and body in its powerful blood.

My journey back down the mountain is completed quickly, as if I am being carried by a force greater than any strength I possess. I arrive at the edge of a village, full of intuitive knowing. Those who poisoned and tortured the creature live here.

Still holding the massive heart, I stand at the edge of the community, opening my mouth to allow all righteous power to flow freely through me. Not a sound. Not a tremor. Yet not a guilty soul was spared as the frequency of justice poured forth in countless waves of intensity and saturation.

Dozens fell dead right where they stood, sat or laid in comfortable ignorance.

Dozens fell dead right where they stood, sat or laid in comfortable ignorance.
Children come forth from their homes, innocence seemingly entranced by the same glory that killed all those with evil in their hearts. I begin to walk again, right through the center of the newly purified town. More and more souls come out into the unforgiving cold to watch me blaze my trial. They say nothing but begin to follow in my footsteps.

At the far edge of the settlement I find a young black dragon, chained out in the elements. Metallic purple and green swirling about in its soft tender scales with the same intensity of the blowing snow that surrounds us. I offer the juvenile beast the heart of its mother, which it consumes in one swallow without a single bite or any chewing. In less than a moment it grows to twice the size of its ancestors, its scales hardening – the chains that once held it shattering instantaneously as it transforms.

It bows its head low and for a brief time I rest my forehead against its gargantuan brow. We speak in silence and share our grief with one another completely. Once the time for sadness has passed, I climb upon its broad shoulders to gaze out across the desolate landscape once more. Looking for the first time into the desperate faces of the remaining villagers.

With full understanding, the great black dragon rears up beneath me, letting out its own powerful call high into the frozen air.

With full understanding, the great black dragon rears up beneath me, letting out its own powerful call high into the frozen air. The magick of its roar infects the land with a healing warmth and thawing begins, soon followed by growing as an abundance of lush vegetation overtakes everything, affecting even father beyond our abilities of sight.

Once assured of its blessing, this most mystical of beings takes to the sky. We fly back to the mountain top, now covered in a dense jungle, to rest upon the place of mother dragon’s sacrifice. The new righteous rulers of a new blessed land, I recline upon the beast – it is my throne and I am its crown. Together we reign with the promises of unlimited prosperity, unending love and eternal peace.

So very strange, to type a random word into my Evernote app just to see what pops up. I chose the word “guess” and this was the oldest peice in my catalogue, Darlings:

Oct. 15, 2010
My Darling,
I don’t even know how to start… so many things are running through my head. I just wanted needed to let you know somehow – I love you. Look, I know you told me to run, and I am, but I have to be able to reach you. No matter where I go, or where they take you – I will find a way. I’ll be careful, I promise…
I won’t tell you where I’m going (you’re the boss ;), but I’ll tell you what – I’m gonna be missing your presence next to me on the warm sandy beaches of… ah… great big oceans 😉 but yes, I guess it’s time for me to go find that lil’ hut I’ve always talked about – or, I suppose with the resources you left me, maybe not so lil’ and not so hut. Good god – I miss you something terrible tho. I know, no matter what, things will be okay… I know we’ll figure it out. It’s just so damn hard when it feels like my heart is tearing itself desperately out of my chest, just longing to be near you.
Baby, I feel somewhat responsible for all this mess… I mean, I know you’ll just say that I’m being crazy, but really… I guess I just wonder if there was something I could have done to keep this from happening…
I’m definitely not to be worried about my love – I’m going into serious mastermind mode lol, I’ll be keeping myself busy that’s for sure! It’ll be great – I’m gonna be sure to have everything ready for your return to… well me 😉 where ever that might end up being.
OXO, Your Darling

Takes me back to an entirely different life, an entirely different Mayryanna.

Makes me laugh when I hear, “people can’t change!”

Guess I’m not people…

My left thigh is tingling and warm

from soft kitten purrs, as loud as they are gentle

He refused to “say cheese” though

The room is cold, here in the basement

as well as quiet, dark and spacious

I can remember when this entire space

was filled floor to ceiling with miscellaneous

I feel connected to it in remarkable ways

And that’s just the basement –

My current home is remarkable

Home

I feel home

Everything feels like home right now

What a difference a few years makes…

I used to be in a bad marriage

I used to be a chronic enabler

I used to recklessly abhor myself

Just years ago…

Don’t get me wrong, and if you read my blog you know

Things aren’t perfect…

They truly are better than perfect

This is why

My unalome/wanderlust mashup tattoo

That is to say, what it represents

They joy of the journey

Remembering to appreciate, even the bad

Even when life is chaos and you can’t breathe

If anything, that got me here

At least from that self-deprecating behavior of my past

But it does go deeper

To a time before I new how to be happy

And only grace got me through that

Om, beloved Divine, quest of my heart

Thank you, thank you, thank you my sweet, sweet loves – my beloveds – my sweet love, my beloved, my endlessly cherished One

In all the ways my devotion has blossomed

I have been endlessly blessed

And if I had not strayed into the depths of hopelessness

Would I have ever known the true heights of bliss