Tears stream down my face. I’m angry, but mostly shocked.
Sharing my excitement for my life’s progress with a loved one, I was not expecting to be attacked. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.
My excitement was “dominating” and my past, present and future needed to be in explained to me – apparently it was obvious I didn’t know anything about myself, my needs or my dreams.
According to this person, I don’t have any savings (not true), I don’t deserve an inheritance from my grandmother because my working for her the past five years was actually my way of avoiding the real world and I was leaching off of her the whole time (which is exactly why I took on projects no one else wanted to do and the rest of the family conveniently didn’t help with – like managing the office for the family businesses and de-hoarding her home), that I need to get a real job (because managing my own website, having global Divination and Reiki clients, writing as an online contributor, offering a weekly online Kundalini yoga class, working on multiple creative collaborations including my own children’s book series and studying multiple courses at a time to continue adding to my professional repertoire has caused me to be “out of touch with reality”) and oh yes, how could I forget that all of my poetry, my art, my lifeblood and hard saught truth is inspired by… Wait for it… Not me, myself, no no… It’s all due to this other person!
Recognizing Delusional Fear
This individual doesn’t have any basis in fact for their claims. They haven’t attempted to be involved in my life to any extent that doesn’t also directly benefit them, for the duration of our entire relationship (our whole lives). Granted, I am not a perfect person and have certainly also been selfish and preoccupied – but I am at least aware of those facts.
At first, because of the nature of our relationship and my love for this person, I tried to combat the accusations and exclaimed my disbelief and confusion. It soon became clear that their desire wasn’t anything productive or even to have a conversation at all. I was being baited into their own delusion and insecurities.
I recognized the blatant trap and began to disengage. At this, they projected that I “must be insecure” to have to reject their opinions so quickly, but I didn’t take that bait either. I could see all too clearly that it was actually their own insecurities that they were attempting to project on to me. From this place, there can be no resolution. They weren’t seeking peace, understanding or blessing – they were intent on disrupting those things within me because my attainment of these things challenged their own sense of lack.
Resting in the Truth
I didn’t finish the conversation, but I ended it. “Love you too – have a blessed day…”
I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t address all of the absurd opinions this person aired. I didn’t let myself believe for one moment anything but the truth – and it set me free.
I did a cord-cutting ceremony (Psychic-Surgery) immediately, even amidst their attacks. Once finished I felt activated and raw, but I was clear of the torment of this person’s attack – and they still haven’t contacted me again.
I did have a conversation with my grandmother though. I brought up this person’s opinions and asked if I had ever made her feel that I had taken advantage of her, even in the slightest. She responded in disbelief and disgust at the idea and reminded me that I have been “her little angel.”
That’s all I need. It couldn’t matter less to me what anyone thinks about my relationship with my grandmother, except her. People will always have their biased opinions, but I don’t have to give them any of my own attention and power.
Escaping the Briars of this Toxic Relationship
I still love this person. I still want the best for this person. It’s not even the first time this person has hurt me so intensely – but it will be the last.
They have been able to control me in the past, though their emotional manipulation, but that was before I accepted responsibility for myself and reclaimed my self-sovereignty. Now, their feeble attempts to bring me down to their level are laughable.
They still hurt, of course – how could being attacked by a loved one not sting and stab? But there is no attachment to what they are trying to hook me with. I have learned to finesse the tangled briars of other’s opinions and biases, slowly and gently removing the piercing hooks of their beliefs and limitations from my own being.
Come to me in love, curiosity and compassion and there is no limit to the depths I am willing to probe within myself. I love accountability, I love to be challenged, I crave personal development and my most influential relationships are with people who do just that consistently. I am not as open with people who neglect challenging themselves equally however. Mutual vulnerability is an essential element of Trust (not to be confused with the lower-case “t” trust discussed below).
Not every person has the privilege of knowing me, and fewer still have the privilege of influencing me. This person, having attacked me before from their own unresolved pain, had already been moved out of my circle of influence years ago – but I had hoped to still keep them close. Now, via their own actions, they have been removed from even my circle of knowing. There is no thought or decision, this defense has happened naturally by virtue of my adjusted trust. They have revealed that they lack the desire to know me in Truth therefore, they will no longer have the same opportunities to do so. I will trust them to be the person they have presented themselves to be – and that is not a person I will associate with.
It’s not cold. It’s not heartless. It’s natural, healthy as well as a means of self-respect and self-care. I will not sacrifice my strength to accept the projection of any other’s fragility.
The Silence of the Sovereign Self
Without defending myself, how can I be sure the slanderous un-truths of this person’s jealousy and fear won’t be spread? I cant, and I couldn’t care less.
That’s the thing about lies, they have to spread or they die. They aren’t based in reality, there is no evidence other than the cognitive attachment to the beliefs, therefore without belief they simply cease to exist.
Truth doesn’t have that problem because it’s real. Regardless of opinions, lies or how desperate and loud people become to try and make you believe them, when the dust settles only the Truth remains. I would only need to defend myself if the Truth wouldn’t ultimately do that for me.
So, instead of being baited into devaluing my reality, doubting the Truth and losing sight of my own sovereignty, I am relaxing into the joys of being me. I am basking in my gratitude that my grandmother’s generous gift of inheritance isn’t my only means of financial support, but also in the fact that it can still propel my future successes as well. I am savoring the fact that my grandmother not only aknowledges my tireless efforts to bless her but has gained confidence, joy and sovereignty all her own while I have been able to serve her. The fact that my grandmother has told me I am an inspiration to her is my most cherished treasure – and that can only be stolen if I let it be devalued by the fearful insecurities of others who feel they haven’t done the same.
I can read through my seemingly endless archives of poetry and smile, cry or be reinspired by each and every one for having allowed them to be birthed from the tender, raw exposure of my own heart and soul. No one else will ever experience my poetry the way I do, even if they may feel seen, inspired or challenged by the existential experiences of my channeled art form. I can never truly lose my art, because it flows freely from the everloving source of my life, and no one can silence that Divine energy.
So, let the liers tell their lies. Let the fearful spread their fears. Let the jealous attempt to slander – none of it is of any true consequence. Regardless of the weapons taken up against me, or the level of betrayal, my sword of Truth will prevail.