I am at my mom’s, watching my Niece and Nephew through the weekend while she takes care of grandma for me. I got the kids off to school great and the morning was swimming along nicely. I gave the dog some Reiki ’cause he’s been sick and then we started playing. I decided we should take it to the backyard and didn’t stop to grab my phone or put on shoes. We had a lot of fun and he was so playful, I really appreciated that he seemed to be feeling a bit better and was completely caught up in the moment. Not wanting to push him to far though, we went to head back in before long. But instead, we came just shy at the back door. It was locked.

I had forgotten that my mom’s back door has one of those knobs that can turn on the inside when it’s locked. I had locked it last night. I knew this. “Fuck.” Now, had this been May from a couple years ago I would have responded very differently. I would have been tearing myself down, getting more and more upset, and allowing the situation to unnerve me – but this morning I observed myself responding instead of reacting.

I quickly checked my options. Windows, nope. Garage door, nope. And I knew the front was deadbolted because I did that once the kids were off to school. Decided I didn’t want to jump the fence in stocks unless I exhausted all my options in the backyard anyway and well, just sat.

I had felt my pulse quicken, and my chest and throat tighten immediately upon feeling the tension in the doorknob, which had persisted throughout my initial panicked runaround. And as I sat I witnessed my ego’s desperate chatter get even louder, “you told Nikki not to take the bus because you’d pick her up at school so now she won’t even be here in 5 hours with her key because she’s going to be stranded unless you jump that fence and find a phone! And if you can’t James is going to be stranded after bike club too! How could you not have your phone? You are so stupid. You are the worst aunt! I know how much you don’t want to go find a phone in the city in your socks. Is your social anxiety really more important right now? What are you waiting for?!” But I remained.

I sat, I observed, I surrendered. I began to sing different mantras, one known as the “fate erradicator,” another to dispel any egoic intent/fear within myself and still more to bless myself, the situation, the dog and even the home and community. I became calm. I noticed my pulse sooth and my breath deepen. The sun peaked out from behind the cloud and the breeze picked up, and I found my Self in True Love with Life again.

I resumed attempts to get back in the house and found myself at the unused but now unblocked dog door. It is too small and square for me to get through, I had already tried, but I decided to check it out again anyway. As I maneuvered a bit, a long umbrella with a flat-ended foam handle fell on top of me. Within five minutes I had figured out how to maneuver the little lock latch open with the umbrella, it was in fact the perfect tool for this very odd job.

The 30 min of stress/panic were probably unavoidable, but after 20 min of meditation and mantra it took maybe 10 before the problem was solved. Next time I think I’ll try to just skip straight to the energy work!

Image Source: Elephant Journal

Poem for my 11 years younger self, as she sat on the beach of Australia’s gold coast – still afraid of her dreams:

Oh my precious
how I have enjoyed
learning to love you
heal you
grow you

Oh my beloved
the pains survived
the choices made
decisions
mistakes

Oh my darling
how you thrill me
your unrelenting soul
your fire
your Love

I am yours and better to be
honored to be, enveloped by you
blissfully romanced and entranced
by all that you are and the endlessness
of all – you dare to be – beloved, precious darling

October 2008, I was 20…

Hello all! I wanted to officially announce that I have ended my vow of silence early.

In all, it was a great experience and I learned a lot, however for the constraints and complications of trying to continue normal life, it was becoming far to complicated and difficult (for myself yes, but the real problem was my inability to control how it was affecting others).

Here’s some of what I learned through this experiment with communication:


#1 – a lot of what I do for my grandma as her caregiver is be her companion, listen to her stories and keep her company – which is much richer when I contribute as well.
#2 – Much of our verbal response is automatic, like bodily functions, and there’s not much time for thinking before normal reactions. I’ve highly enjoyed becoming aware of this in myself and will be further exploring the relationship between my triggers and reactions.
#3 – the line between language and noise is SUPER THIN! I could communicate so much more than I thought just by using sound and I will definitely be playing with this more too!

Those are just a few things I’ve gleaned, but there are so many more. I also still feel called to silence, but in a more controlled and supportive environment, and will be looking for opportunities to attend a silent retreat in the near future.

Thank you all for your patience during this time! I love and appreciate youuuu ❤

Image: internet

Every thing is indecent, in the right context.

mayryanna

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a crisis of faith. Though my devotion to the Divine and its infinite substratum has only grown, I feel at odds with my ‘self’ in different and new ways all the time. I doubt my faith in my ‘self.’

Yet – not in the way you might suspect.

I have found my ‘self,’ in many ways, on an every accelerating path of growth these past few years and it just seems ‘logical’ that everything is suspect, including and especially me. In what way am I suspect? In what way could I not be? The list of my ‘unknown unknowns’ is endless.

I firmly believe that at any moment, everything and anything can change.

This isn’t based on literature, philosophy, science or any other type of acquired knowledge. I have lived this, over and over again. Everything and anything is always changing, including and especially ‘me.’

So, the crisis of faith ‘I’m’ having? Is the fact that my ‘self’ has been more and more consistent, potent and real as I have become increasingly detached from the outcomes it fears/hopes for. Oddly enough, symptoms include more opportunities, creativity and productivity, decreased stress, heightened awareness and empathy, experiencing endless synchronicities, high desire and capacity to learn and striking decrease in cognitive fear. It’s marvelous.

The trick? Well, I feels I’m just not taking ‘things’ as seriously and having more fun with life – but that’s not the whole story. And that’s the crisis. I finally feel that I am living my life 100% as ‘me’ without overthinking what that’s ‘supposed to mean.’

The pressure is off.

No imitations. No secondary labels. No games. Just good, honest enjoyment of life.

It’s taken years of work for me to be comfortable celebrating my inner child; working through trauma and fear that ran deeper than my memories. I have found ways to heal my wounds and learn from my mistakes. I truly have no regrets.

I have spent my life learning to navigate my gender and sexuality, both as a victim of others expectations as well as my own fears. I have hated my body, I have intentionally hurt myself, I have even attempted suicide. Yet, now I am completely at home in my Divine earthly temple, proud of its sensual essence and honored to care for it entirely.

I have been weak.

I have been tormented.

I have survived.

It feels good to be on the other side of developing these strengths. I look forward to much more pain, hardship and life’s other gloriously Divine blessings.

In these same ways that I have learned to embrace my strengths though, I have not been so well recieved. Someone who challenges their ‘self’ in this world of egomania is challenging the whole of egomania. I’m learning not to take it personally.

Despite my latest poetic video showing less skin that Victoria Secret ads or Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, Facebook denied a boost for it because it violated their so-called standards.

It’s art. It’s supposed to be provocative, and no – you don’t get to censor it just because it makes you uncomfortable.

That’s the point.

I exists mostly, as an artist, to make people second guess themselves. I am here to make you feel primordial energy again in the cold, dead, mechanized and faux world. I’m here to point out the surrealism of our so called ‘reality.’

And so here I am, in crisis. Doubting, not myself, but rather my lack of self. I’m staring blankly into the truth that permeates existence and wondering – wandering – again consumed by wanderlust

Who’s with me?

To be sane in a world of madmen is in itself madness.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau