Originally written in December of 2016 for an online project I called Naturally Subversive.

Could it be that fear is an unnecessary emotion? That pain is not to be avoided, but in fact carefully saught after as means to growth and evolution? Is it possible that all we’ve been trying to avoid in our lives is precicely what we need the most?

Terrified

Growing up, I was not the girl that sought out danger. I did not like pain or discomfort and I never took a risk that could lead to either. I took these limitations to extremes. I wouldn’t play physical games with my friends or siblings for fear of getting hurt. I couldn’t enjoy the snow in the winter because the cold was so unbearable to my delicate sensitivities. That’s what my parents started to refer to it as: hyper sensitivity. I was allergic to hypoallergenic toiletries and all anyone had to do to make me cry was look at me wrong. I’d have meltdowns, publicly and privately. It got bad. The first time I tried to kill myself and had thoughts of “saving those I loved from this terrible world” I was only 10 years old. The world was a dark and horrible place and I couldn’t bear to try and live through all the pain. The depression persisted through high school and once my best friend died the month before my 16th birthday I began to experiment with self harm. Suddenly, the little girl who would panic and feel faint at the sight of someone else’s blood was a young woman putting blades to her own skin.


I had found myself somewhere I’d never been. Suddenly, pain wasn’t the scariest thing in my world, complete and paralyzing numbness was. Loosing my friend flipped a switch and then nothing mattered any more, nothing bothered me, and that terrified me more than anything. I had to feel something, anything, even if it was the physical pain I’d avoided my whole life.

Gone Reckless

Time would prove that blades aren’t the only way for a broken but beautiful girl to inflict pain on herself. I eventually stopped the self-mutilation, but only after I’d secured new torment. My ex was a charmer. Broad, strong shoulders and the strength of an ox. I’m six foot two and he could move my body in ways I’ve never experienced before or since. For a virgin with a reckless attitude for life and a desperation to find feeling again, this combination of danger and pleasure was exactly what I had been asking for. 


I had only been back from Australia for three weeks at the time I’d met him. It was a dream trip, something I’d wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I had made it happen, somehow, despite all odds. I was only 20 years old. I should’ve been elated, but I wasn’t. I’d found out for myself that even paradise can’t save you from your own misery. I suppose that first orgasm was everything I had been hoping for, the bliss I had been searching far and wide for and had almost given up on. I was hooked, and soon his libido wasn’t the only thing he was using to keep me on edge.


Ecstasy,  LCD, Shrooms, Cocaine; each drug mettled with alcohol and weed, I was lost in a blazing fury. The ways I was experimenting with my reality kept me up for nights on end and distorted the way I could think and feel, but I didn’t care. My ex slowly introduced me to his world of criminal activity; at first it was just drugs but before I knew what had happened my life had become a reoccurring COPS special. I only ended up in jail once, ironically for domestic violence against my hulk of an ex. Even that wasn’t enough to pry my new addictions from my hands, I held on and kept digging deeper into muck that had become my life. 


The twisted romance persisted for over six years, more than four of witch we were married. During that time he would spend almost three years locked up on drug, fraud or burglary charges. Still I stayed. I had convinced myself that the orgasms and highs were love and that we were destined for forever. I believed I could save him from himself, but I wasn’t even trying to save myself. Those years contained many of the most painful and horrific experiences of my life, and for a while I thought some of the best as well.

I came out on the other end feeling as fearless as I had ever been. The initial shock of the betrayal of my own heart set me on a new course. I was forced to face myself, to look at my pain and accept it. Everything changed.

Finding Boldness

Just 20 short months ago I was freshly divorced, decided to quit my cushy job and slowly began the journey that brought me here. I began to learn that I had control and that my thoughts and choices were all directly framing my life. Of course, there was a period of trial and error and I dare say I got a bit worse before I got better. I was bitter and I allowed it to get the best of me; this time the target wasn’t me though.


I became a bit of a man eater. I dabbled in playing Sugar Baby and eventually in Financial Domination. I really wanted to be immune to empathy for the opposite sex after the torments my ex had subjected me to. I didn’t trust or respect any of them so telling them exactly what they wanted to hear in order to maintain control and get what I wanted wasn’t an issue for me. I traveled to New Orleans, Oahu, Orlando and Vegas for “free” because I thought it would make me feel powerful and sexy, something I felt I’d lost when I lost my husband to infidelity (on both ends). It worked and it didn’t work. Did I feel sexy and powerful? Most definitely, but I also felt like I wasn’t able to be genuine. The dishonesty and manipulation was too similar to what my ex had subjected me to; I had found that I’d grown into the very type of person I was so determined to never let use me again.

Learning to Choose My Pain

Soon enough the glamor of luxury spas and restaurants in beautiful places wasn’t enough, I needed to feel real again, even if that meant breaking down my defensive armor and dealing with my raw broken heart. I was finally able to go within and examine my thoughts without judgment, and what I found would spark new interest in living authentically and pursuing my optimal nature.


I had to break it off with my suitors and even a friend who I had been entertaining the diffusional manipulations of. I began working out more, focusing on regaining my wholeness and health. Meditation, weight lifting, hiking and yoga all became more important as all the self care practices I had fruitlessly tried to implement for years suddenly became my go to for emotional processing and release. I had made decisions and finally it wasn’t just to do the fun or easy thing but rather, I had decided to pursue the pain that would help me become the woman I could most respect.


Flash forward and I’m building a bright future for myself and others online, writing the things I need to heal in hopes that my story might help others and still getting stronger every day. I am only at the very beginning stages of this new journey but already I’m reaping the benefits. I’m no longer scared. I don’t need anyone to sugar coat life for me and protect me from everything anymore. I don’t need to force pain in order to feel anymore. I don’t need to be high on drugs and sex in order to experience bliss any longer. I don’t need to influence and control men to feel powerful and sexy. In fact, I feel a very distinct lessening of need. It’s as if I have found the well of sustenance and joy that existed within me all along. 


I’ve learned that pain was a part of life in many ways, and I’ve also learned that you can’t avoid it, but that you can make it purposeful. If we’re all going to face difficulties and tragedies in life, but they don’t have to be meaningless and they can be beneficial if we so choose. It’s up to each of us to make the decision to stop playing victim and start training like a champion. Don’t let life just happen to you, make your dreams come true.


Be bold my tribe.

Another old poem, this one written over 4 years ago, still as ever suitable for this time. Isn’t is a wonder? The ageless applications of art…

You don’t have to hide away in there anymore

You’re not blind any longer sweet child –


I know the sun is painfully bright, just feel – crawl outwards

Come out from behind the rock that shields you, adjust your sight


Come, sit next to me in the light, slowly untightening

Feel the warmth, allowing your muscles to loose & limp


As terrifying as it might be, it’s all you’ve ever really wanted

You need it to survive, to grow, & even to die – bliss


*


Come, let us receive life, let us soak it up & recycle the energy

Let us contribute openly, allowing the flow of synergy


Awaken once more with me to witness our grand system

Let us rest here receiving these Divine moments together


I will watch you grow, burst, bloom & unfold

You will see my petals unfurl & my sex exposed


We will celebrate our youth, lust & exploration before yet –

Resting – release, remember, let go – nostalgia for the tainting


*


We will surely grow beyond these selves we now call home

Disengaging places, our ‘ifs’ – back to breaths, dissolving in


Our bones grow weak in supporting, ground to dust again

Our muscles grow weak in their carrying & down we go


Before long we begin to blend, melding together

As each decays we’re less distinguishably me or you


Melting, evaporating, becoming a smaller part of all

Existence reabsorbing our energy – true remembering


          You’re once again close enough to spark, starting –

          Once again, hearts beating in indistinguishable harmony

          Lightning – striking, burning through the blankness


          Ourself – yet again one with Source, the Divine –



& beginning

I will find you – we cannot end

December starts off quietly as compared to the frantically full energies of both November and October. Everything feels delightfully slower and we are tempted to succumb to a sleepy tiredness during this brief reprieve.

Still, there is a persistent knowing, nagging at our lulled minds: Christmas as just 3-weeks away! There is so much to do and who will do it if not us?

An Enchanting Situation

Perhaps we cannot ignore the expectations, but we are being invited to further enchant our experiences all the same:

Magick, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

“To have magick in our lives is to remember it is real, profound and sacred.”

Magick, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

Perhaps it’s tempting to read the above statement with “magick” as the “real, profound and sacred” “it,” but I’d like to invite you to read it with “life” in that place instead.

Magick is nothing more than the recognition of the miraculous in all that is. Magick is merely the allowance for the divine workings of the cosmos. It bends and breaks no natural or universal law, but is in fact The Natural and Universal Law.

Invite magick into your moments this week. In stillness, appreciate the rich nourishment of solitude and silence. In excitment, take note of as many glorious reminders of life’s charms as possible.

You don’t need an ideal situation or environment, your life is magick. It can be as enchanting and fulfilling as you allow it to be. Dare to explore the intoxicating wonders that await your senses, should you simply decide to. In this way, even doing less can add all the more to your life.

Kindling Our Hearths

Fire Dragon, Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

Another Orange Dragon appears to us, and much like the one that came through in our Monthly Divination, this Fire Dragon gives us tidings of community warmth this holiday season. In addition to the social curatives, this Fire Dragon brings additional blessings for us personally as well though.

Fire is the element of passion and creativity. It is powerful and active. Among its energies of manifestation, it also has the potential for destruction.

Allow this fire dragon to give you motivation and strength, but do not let your passions get out of hand. Use this refining and purifying potential intentionally in order to burn away the obstacles in the way of the magick you hope to create this coming new year. If you did the Sovereignty Ceremony for the New Moon last month, you can imagine burning up your “Spoiled” qualities as fuel for the passion behind your “Sovereign” qualities.

Utilizing this energy to burn up our resistance and fear, we allow ourselves to be transformed. Fuelling our hearths (hearts) spaces with these powerful flames, we are creating a warm and inviting place for our beloveds to gather in safety and love. There is no place for fear and rejection when we keep the fires of Truth and Love burning.

Preparing for Advancement

Empowerment, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

With all the excitement of a child, full of belief in every possibility, and all the wisdom of our most ancient guides, scarred by many lifetimes, we can embrace all that is this week and be empowered. Our value is inherent in our being, not in our doing.

We can all become more potent in our joy, and more contagious in our love, if only perhaps we readjust our standards and expectations. Allow the slowing of this week and new month to infect you, find new ways to appreciate and encourage the enchantment of the season. Show up for other people more than you shop, and take more time for yourself than you do for obligation.

Decide what self-empowerment means to you. Look for the ways “success” might be robbing your life of its magick. Burn away the spoiling and fuel your true sovereignty.

Rediscover the ways in which you are the authority in your own life and the blessings in the lives of others. ‘Tis the season to both accept our limitations as well as celebrate our opportunities, so let’s try and do a bit of both this week – it may be quiet, but it can still be purposeful.

December will start with a welcome reprieve from the last two month’s bustle. At least for the next week or so, we will feel like we are able to catch our breath and start to get ahead of our holiday to-dos. This month’s not without it’s own astrological and numerological punches though, so let’s take a look at what’s in store as 2019 comes to a close:

Mirrored Moon Magick

The Full Moon in Gemini on the 12th will have our minds kicking into high gear about this past year, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself flipping between many different perspectives about all that’s transpired. A full moon is all about illumination, and we’ll all have the unique opportunity to see things clearly, holistically and more unbiased than ever.

Interestingly, this reflective energy is mirrored in the 12/12 code (a double dose of which goes to those in the EST timezone where the fullness of this phase reaches its peak at 12:12am). If you’ll recall, 2019 is a 12/3 year numerologically, and here we see the 12/3 code doubled (or even quadrupled), on a night of a full moon in Gemini, the astrological sign of the cosmic twins.

What’s what and who’s who? It might even start to feel like your mind is locked inside of a carnival funhouse full of distorted mirrors. That level of mental disorientation gives rise to madness, but it doesn’t have to.

Have you done the work of finding your stoic tranquility and resilience this year? Have you found space within yourself where the expansiveness of truth and the brilliance of purpose do not have to be in conflict? Have you identified the values, habits and goals of your most sovereign and authentic self? Are you willing to part ways with those things that might be okay or fine, but ultimately just spoil your chances at true fulfillment?

If you haven’t figured out what keeps you centered and/or chaotic yet, you’re about to. Ready or not. The majority of this month will be dedicated to what’s settled after this year stirred everything up.

The Sun’s Rebirth

The 21st of this month will mark Midwinter, or Winter Solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. It will also mark the start of my own personal Pagan Yule Celebration that will run for 12 days, ending on January 1st 2020.

Winter Solstice marks the longest night of the year, after which the days will begin growing longer once again. It is for this reason Pagans of all types held celebrations at this time of year.

In addition to the promise of a warming earth and next year’s possibilities of harvest, celebrations were held to encourage merriment and lift spirits among loved ones and friends during this dark and cold days. The traditions of decorating, feasting and gift-giving all combining to create what is even called the “holiday season” in modern times.

You too can reclaim this holy day season for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a time of consumerism and drama. Either join me on my journey of the 12 Days of Yule, December 21st – January 1st, or simply decide to make your celebrations and gift giving more intentional this year for yourself.

An Ecliptic Affair

The day after Christmas, on the 26th, we will have our Annular Solar Eclipse. This means the sun will be all but blocked from view here on earth by the moon in a cosmic alignment of these three celestial bodies.

This alignment will happen in the astrological sign of Capricorn and occurs each year around this time. This eclipse in particular has beneficial aspects with both Jupiter and Uranus.

Good luck, new opportunities and bold chances are all a possibility as we cross into the 2nd half of Yule celebrations and approach the new solar year. How will you be allowing the wisdom of your lunar sensitivities to inform and filter your own glorious solar power? What are the ways your inner truth can support the best of your outer expressions?

Get ready to start asking these questions and more as we shift from a more community centered perspective to a more individualized one after our Christmas activities come to a close. We’re all becoming more aware of how quickly time passes us by as we prepare to welcome the year 2020. What are you doing with your life? What had you imagined you would’ve accomplished by now and how did you think the world might be different?

It’s all as much about you as it is anything else. We are all a part of this reality we call life, contributing to it for better or for worse. In that way, our individual insecurity or empowerment has consequences that reach far beyond our own personal experiences. Consider your own alignments and their outcomes; you are cosmically supported to make a shift at this time, even a radical one, so make it intentional and dare to expand the blessings of your life’s repercussions before ever stepping foot into 2020.

Divinatory Conclusions

Source Dragon, Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

The first card pulled for this month is one we saw last month as well, indicating our work continues. Even though the month starts off in a bit of a lull, we aren’t quite done with the deep, transformational process we’ve been undergoing this year. Calm seas can be deadly, just below the surface.

Integration is not only beneficial, it is essential. We must take the time to learn the lessons that have been presented to us at a soul level, only then will we come into our true strength of Spirit. Release the ego, more. Trust the divine, more. Actualize your enlightenment, more. Just be, more.

Find yourself by losing your sense of rightness. In this suspended fullness, get on a mat or chair and just sit. Explore the separation dividing you from source until it dissolves completely and you are left with only Truth.

Dignity, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

Our next card seems to speak to the energy of the eclipse and the call we’ve all recieved to embrace our sovereign selves. This is similar to the message of the Source Dragon card, but it turns the attention to the Source within as opposed to the Source as it might be outside of ourselves.

I believe it came prior to the last card as a reminder to carry this dignity and sovereignty with us into our holiday celebrations. Yet, we are not left without our lighthearted seasonal merriment either.

Orange Dragon, Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

Our last card draw for the month is the Orange Dragon and brings a message that echos the purposes of Pagans past:

“Spread belonging, warmth and oneness. Bring people everywhere together.”

Orange Dragon, Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

As we traverse the long nights of this dark season, towards the promise of the sun’s rebirth, let us not forget the light we carry within ourselves. We have the ability to be warm or cold, loving or cruel, marry or bitter. Choose for yourself, but choose with the awareness of how you matter and mean to others as well.

Blessed Be Beloveds! May your 2019 finish as spectacularly as your 2020 begins!

My art mimics my life in strange and beautiful ways. Poetry is the medium through witch I understand the otherwise unimaginable. My philosophy and my poetry are so intertwined, even I cannot find the ends and beginnings – this is one such poem. Written well over a year ago now, it grapples with the inherent, compelling nature of art, in which you feel trapped, fated and overcome by the need to explore, express and exemplify the very ticks of art itself…

Stuck to the back of my throat 

You dangle there, taunting 

I’m used to this now of course

My breaths tripping across you

Coughing and gasping at times

It’s become “no big deal”

Even though it really doesn’t feel right


I keep trying to clear my throat

I want to shake you loose 

I want to spit you out 

Still you cling, sticky and slimy

No matter what I do I can’t get rid of you

You’ve changed the way I sound

Everyone is asking if I’m okay


Plunging fingers down my throat 

I’m going to purge you, I have to to breathe

Still, you lubricate my penetration too much

I gag and gag but find no real relief

It seems you might defeat me

I feel you filling up all my spaces

I fear you will take over and I’ll drown


Am I not already drowning?