There’s a pretty major part of myself that I don’t talk about often.
Not because I don’t want to.
I don’t know how to.
Part of me wants to scream and shout, not give a damn who cares or thinks I should be different.
Another part of me tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about and I have no right to talk about things I don’t understand.
Yet, I can’t ignore the fact that this topic affects many areas of my life and thus deserves my attention.
If I were to lable it, I’d still have to give it a few
My sexuality isn’t exactly straight forward by my grandmother’s terms.
Trying to explain pansexual to her a few weeks ago was quite the eye-opening experience for both of us.
My sapiosexual tendencies were briefly mentioned but I retracted and pulled back, realizing more confusing labels weren’t going to help me explain the last confusing label.
I didn’t even get to polyamorous, nor do I know if I would have tried.
That’s just a bit much and I think baby steps are needed here.
My grandmother unsurprisingly reacted a bit shocked and had questions, which I answered honestly even when it was extremely embarrassing.
She had me clarify that no, I am not a lesbian and no, I’m not bisexual or ‘curious/confused,’ and finally that I have found people of various sexualities and genders attractive.
I’m not sure what she thinks about all of it but the impression I got was that she simply won’t.
She said something to the tune of, “you really would never lie to me would you?”
Almost as if to say lying to her about it would have been better.
We haven’t discussed it since, even though she has brought up me ‘finding a man to love so I can be happy’ again, several times…
I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles
My grandma’s happiness was assured through her 62 year long marriage to my grandfather, the love of her life.
I can’t expect her to understand that I’ve never wanted that.
I can tell her that I was confused by wanting to kiss my female friends when I was a child, but I can’t help if that makes her feel sad for me rather than happy I’ve finally been able to admit that after decades of shame.
I can tell past lovers that I never want to be a wife, but I can’t make it hurt less if they decide that’s the best I could ever be for them.
I can explain to friends that I don’t simply find every person attractive, but I can’t make it hurt less when they feel the need to distance themselves from me or assert that they aren’t attracted to me even when I’ve never had feelings for them or ‘made a move.’
And in these ways, I find myself feeling alienated.
I’m 30 years old and only just beginning to get to know myself as an unbiased sexual being
I feel like an imposter in many ways.
I’ve largely only had sexual experiences with men.
I was married to a man.
My last serious relationship was with a man.
My only relationship with a woman was toxic and ended badly.
We had started out friends and were both with other people.
We eventually explored our sexuality and even polyamory together.
She got married and our relationship expanded to include others as well.
Eventually we had a complete falling out, which included ending our friendship.
I haven’t even attempted to date a woman since.
But I want to…
I get invited to parties and it’ll be 5 couples, and me
Many of my very good friends are married and have children.
And I couldn’t be happier for them – I love being auntie May.
Yet, I’m over here still trying to figure out how to even talk to someone I find attractive, especially if they’re a woman or trans.
There’s an entirely non-gendered part of me that I don’t even know how to make feel safe.
There’s curiosity, there’s desire, and there is immense fear.
I just want to be Mayryanna.
I want to present myself fully and without the censors I’ve been groomed to have in order to keep other’s comfortable…
So I’m going to a different kind of party
I signed myself up for a ‘conscious play party’ that will be happening in a couple weeks.
I got invited by a friend and was immediately interested and also terrified.
So, before I could over think it and talk myself out of it, I bought my ticket.
Reading the rules and talking with my friend, I feel confident that this will be a safe space to explore my sexuality without pressure or expectations.
I’m really excited.
Is it hot to think about? Well yea, but that’s not what I mean.
I’m excited to be in a space where I don’t have to explain myself or apologize for myself or try to qualify myself.
I’m excited to be in a public space where I can uninhibitedly dress to express my sexuality rather than diminish or hide it.
I’m excited to be around other people who have struggled to find their own safe space to explore their identity and sexuality, and especially to meet some people who do exist confidently and comfortably within these sadly, still subversive spaces.
I’m excited to face my resistance.
I’m excited to face my shame and fear.
I’m excited to embrace myself more fully.
Even those parts of me that make others uncomfortable and that I can’t always talk about…
I’m excited to step out more fully into the world as a confident and proud Polyamorous Sapio-Pansexual.
I have a game I play with myself that makes me feel like a giant elephant turd.
I’ve played this game since I was a child.
You see, my dad would criticize me for my weight.
One of my sisters and my mom too – we were the chunky ones.
He would monitor what we were eating during the day and at night we just weren’t allowed to eat.
He and my naturally slender sister would have ice cream or cereal and watch TV after dinner.
So us “cubby girls” (sans mom) developed our own routine too, stealing and hoarding food – rebelliously eating it in our rooms together at night.
And yes, the takeaway here is that I’ve always been a rebellious little shit, but I’m actually really headed straight towards my relationship with food…
And you know, that really popular thing for women to talk about – body image.
I have an interesting relationship with my body, and it’s gotten better over the years, but I’m realising my relationship with food has a lot more to do with the “punishments” I put my body through than even my body does.
I love food
I’m a Taurus and, let me just say, when it comes to enjoying the finer things in life I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t a Taurus.
That’s not to say that we are the best, not at all.
We are stubborn, hardheaded and fucking frustrating (to ourselves as well as others).
The way the simplest things can intoxicate our senses and mesmerize our existance sure is lovely.
Let’s just say, at the very least I’m a hedonistic sympathizer.
Yet, my skewed perception and rocky relationship with eating have all but robbed me of the pleasure of it too…
I’m hungry right now
Yet, it’s morning.
Somehow I’ve trained myself to ignore my hunger in the morning.
I won’t really “need” to eat until like 2pm.
But once I start, it’ll be hard to stop.
At least lunch will be healthy, afternoon snacks and dinner too – I’ll carefully execute control and pick and choose my nutrition all day.
But night always falls…
And so, this is my game
I’m in control early in the day, and I restrict and control my eating just like my dad used to.
Then, as my willpower runs out, I begin to unravel.
At night I find myself eating food I don’t want and don’t like, even when I’m not hungry.
It is the most annoying and frustrating experience.
Especially because it often robs me of the joy I have when I eat.
The food I eat when I am in control becomes systematic, my mind in full micromanagement mode, unable to slow down and appreciate what I am doing.
Then, at night it’s almost primal – thoughtless and chaotic food-lust, like I’m a bloodthirsty predator no one could possibly reign in.
And the real Mayryanna? She feels caught right in the middle.
I just want to eat my berries slowly so I can feel the exact moment the juice bursts inside my mouth.
Yet, I have hope
I have hope because I just realized for the first time that maybe it’s as much about the control and restriction during the day as it is the binging at night.
For real, that’s why I’m writing this.
All this time, 30+ years, and I never thought my confusion could be just as much a fault of the control as it is the chaos.
Despite my best efforts, I may never be able to increase the duration of my willpower, but I can certainly change it’s focus when I have it earlier in the day.
So, if I were to be eating for me (and not just repeating the patterns I developed as a child), what would that look like?
Well, it would look like eating breakfast every day instead of just 10-20% of the time.
Even better, it would be a healthy breakfast to start my day off right, maybe those smoothies I like to make or some oatmeal.
Then, eating healthy snacks like nuts or fruit when I’m hungry throughout the day and having lots of vegetables and plant based protein at lunch and dinner.
Taking my fucking time to eat and enjoy my food while I still have the presence of mind to be mindful.
I imagine it’ll be much less appetizing to binge on unhealthy carb/fat dense processed foods after dinner if I haven’t been fighting to keep myself in an extreme calorie and nutrition deficit all day too, right?
I hereby commit to feeding myself with care and eating with gratitude
So, obviously I won’t be changing an entire lifetime of patterning overnight.
But I am really excited.
I’m excited, for the first time in a long time, to feed myself and to eat without obsession or confusion.
To smell my food before I taste it, every time.
To listen to my body when it’s hungry, and when it’s not hungry.
To build back my own trust, slowly and intentionally.
To heal my relationship with food and stop punishing my body for needing it, wanting it and enjoying it.
To be grateful of the opportunities I have to eat healthy and delicious foods, appreciating every bite fully.
Mostly, I’m excited to be rediscovering what it means to be Mayryanna, one bursting berry at a time.
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