“I call unto me! I call unto me! I call unto me… I call unto me…” I’m sobbing, moaning, wailing; tears flow uninhibited from my closed eyes as I sit on my meditation pillow. I have known this was coming…
I have been resisting my practice lately. A lot of shifts have been happening off the mat and I allowed myself to be caught up, despite a lingering awareness of my conscious contradictions.
But it’s all so painfully obvious now… my very heart and soul shuttering as they finally release the stored tension. This is exactly what I need to do most.
Preparing for Spiritual Welfare
I raise my arms high above my head, letting the palms of my hands meet each other effortlessly, gliding them down to my heart before tucking my chin ever so slightly for a prayer. My whole practice is prayer – I pray with my mind, my gaze, my third eye and every other chakra as well as all of my ten bodies… My prayers are symphonies of my whole being, radiating outwards.
No, it is not easy. It breaks me almost every single time… But it is true, consistent and powerful – I will always return.
And tonight, I’m going all in…
Full Surrender to Sacrifice
I have been resisting the mat because I knew this was coming. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been taking care of myself well…
I’ve been distracted, by my resistance, but evermore so by the subtle and hidden ways the power and responsibility of this moment have been haunting me… I don’t feel I could ever be ready.
That’s why I called all my guides and every kin spirit – I called them all: angels and demons, gods and devils, heroes and villains… I’ve known that I would have to expose myself fully, and I have been terrified. Not of any possibility the monsters or masters could bring… but of my own shame revealed.
Caught Up in Divine Timing
It was another powerful weekend at Kundalini YTT. I was sleepless in anticipation and sleepless throughout. My body feels exhausted but my mind and emotions are all amped up. Of course, there’s also the full moon…
Trined with Mars, I’m right on track with it’s heightened themes of energy and emotion… and this integral identity intuition must be getting stirred up by its placement in Leo as well.
It’s time. I know it’s time… the truth remains that I started crying before I ever got to the mat though.
Just because something is your destiny doesn’t mean it will be easy…
Tuning in to Elevated Power
I begin with the Teacher’s Oath. Technically, I only need to recite it before teaching a class, but I love it so much I use it before my personal practice as well. The state of transcendence it provides me is comforting and nourishing, even in the most intense times.
“I am not a woman.
I am not a man.
I am not a person.
I am not myself.
I am a teacher.”Kundalini Teacher’s Oath
I can barely speak the words through the heaves of my breathing as my fear, doubt and personal condemnation are purged. I find my voice as soon as I begin the Adi Mantra though. I’m surprised by the strength and power of it as it emanates deep from my navel center and vibrates through my being. For the first time in nearly 3 years of practice, I feel the resonance of the sound of the Solar Gong coming through the chant – THROUGH ME.
“Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo”
(I bow to the All-That-Is. I bow to the Divine Wisdom within myself.)Adi (first/primal) Mantra (sacred sound current)
The connection to the Golden Chain is immediate and I feel the presence of innumerable gurus, yogis, teachers, priestesses and priests, medicine women and men, Shaman and others joining the ranks of all my guides and ancestors. I notice for the first time that despite my open call for judgement and reckoning, no malicious entities or energies are present to cast stones – only love, light and blessing surround me. Regardless, I continue with the Mangala Charn mantra for guidance and protection.
“Ad Guray Nameh
Jugad Guray Nameh
Sat Guray Nameh
Siri Guru Devay Nameh”
(I bow to the Primal Wisdom
I bow to the Wisdom through the Ages
I bow to the True Wisdom
I bow to the great, unseen Wisdom)Mangala Charn (happy feet) Mantra
This mantra comes out much different. Soft and meek, like a child’s bedtime prayer. It trails from my lips on an airy tune – mystifying me as I listen to Mystery reveal itself in my own sounds.
A few more tears escape my eyes, quietly. Tears of unexplainable honor and gratitude. I feel Divinely blessed to be this being, having these experiences, called to this path… and I finally let go of my own condemnation and judgment for myself.
Practicing Purifying Prostration
My practice continued on with Sat Kriya which I am currently being challenged to do for 40 consecutive days. I’m so caught up in the relief of my release I have already begun the Kriya before I realize I don’t have my timer. I continue and ask my guides to tell me when to stop.
When I feel the prompting, I am disturbed. It doesn’t feel like 11 minutes, but of course meditation does weird things to the perception of time. I lay prostrate in Corpse Pose, integrating the energy work, and decide I will get my timer and start again.
This specific Kriya involves holding a mudra (hand position) above your head the entire time while pumping your navel point 8 times every 10 seconds in rythm with the audible chant Sat Nam (meaning truth and name, or “truth is my identity”). It hurts. I get hot and beads of sweat form on my forehead. I tremble and shake…
Often, even in class – even in shorter sets! – I have lowered my arms at times to rest the intense posture during Sat Kriya, but not tonight. I don’t know how long I had gone during my first round, but I took no rests. The Gurus even toyed with me when I set my intention to start again, “what if we all sit on your arms, will you lower them then?”
I have a strange feeling of strength emanating from my core – no amount of pain will deter me. So, I giggle a bit and sit to begin.
When I finally finish and lay down again for Shavasana (deep relaxation/integration) my whole body is tingling with energy. I’m exhausted and for the first time in days, I feel ready to sleep. It’s only 10pm – this never happens… I am grateful.
Despite my fatigue, I feel light when I rise up from my mat, as though I am lifted.
Processing my Process
What was that?! What happened? What did I just experience!?
From past experiences like this, I know I may not fully know for months or even years, if ever. Yet, I have an intuitive sense about it all.
I sacrificed my fear and doubts for the sake of my soul’s highest excitement…
I cannot be the person I need to be if my own shame and insecurities keep me from meditating. Yes, I experience the metaphysical in ways I know few others to. Yes, this all feels like too much – but if I will not fully accept my gifts and the trials that come with them, who will?
No more skirting along and peering at my possible destinies from the sidelines, never committing – I’m choosing the scariest and most fantastic one. I’m daring to become the difference in a corrupt society and compromised world.
I have no idea what to expect or how this will pan out… but I’m excited to find out and am feeling incredible. Honestly, I can’t even relate to the doubt and fear I had – it’s as though it was all a torment of my own design… just waiting to be released.