Featured image credit: tcusmedia
It is the start of the Tibetan/Chinese/lunar new year today. The year of the Female Brown Earth Pig, and from what I’ve read, it’s supposed to be a jovial and abundant year.
I’ve been doing a lot of informal self-reviews lately. The entire month of January felt like an integration of 2018 and I’m finally feeling ready to start over with an actual clean slate.
Last year was absolutely instrumental to helping me find and develop bonds with both my local and global tribe. Now, I am eager to maintain and nurture those connections even more, seeing this coming year as “foundational” for a fantastic future that has been playfully flirting with me more and more as I have continued on my journey of authenticity/intention these past few years.
In this recent past, the big themes of my personal development have been around mindset and trauma work, confronting the patterns and grooming from which I developed defaults that are incongruent with my highest calling. It all started with a commitment to truth (however ugly it may be) a few years back, but has expanded to include releasing pain, forgiving abuse, comforting and accepting my inner child, challenging the limiting beliefs of unworthiness and “evil” money, desire and ambition, gaining awareness of and then dismantling self-loathing and self-sabotage…. Just to name a few.
But, now what?
Heading the call that is my heart’s song
We had the second-to-last Apotheosis Mastermind Group call on Sunday, and I had my second to last coaching call with Jordan Bates (an incredible visionary, creative and world changer; check out both www.highexistence.com and www.refinethemind.com for more from him) this past week too. In both instances I expressed my gratitude for the invaluable support these influences and connections have been, as well as my hungry desire for continued accountability and coaching.
But of course, I have to take a step back and ask myself why I feel this insatiable need for support and accountability… Is it another symptom of my unworthiness finding a personal development approved way of resurfacing, like the tendencies I was reflecting on in my post from a little while back?
Obviously, as I’ve talked about recently, there is a genuine interest and personal calling to explore and challenge my limitations. How though, do I ensure that my explorations and challenges are coming from my authentic calling and not my limiting belief of unworthiness?
I am certain this will be a major theme of discovery for me this year. I also have a sense that it is no accident that my most affecting limiting belief is closely tied to my personal calling.
I also feel that this all plays a role in the foundational energy of this coming year as well. Learning to distinguish between truth based and fear based desires, thoughts and actions, may be one of the most important lessons I could ever learn.
Looking back to move forward
It might seem like distinguishing between the origin of my thoughts and behaviors is something that should have been included in the dismantling and confrontation of the limitations I’ve been working on for the past few years, and in some ways that’s true, but it’s far from being a completed process. From my experience manually re-wiring my brain to combat depressive and anxious thoughts though, I know that overcoming my limiting beliefs and their patterning within my life will actually take years, and that likely I will always have to be vigilant against the intrusion of past default tendencies.
And that’s better than perfect for me.
Each and every depressive or anxious thought that enters my mind has become a real-time opportunity for me to practice my calling: spiritual alchemy. In this way, I see the addition of my limiting beliefs and mindset patterns to my “watching mind’s” list of observations as a sign that I am indeed “levelling up.”
I am fast coming to the understanding that my ideal life is not easy. For a comfort loving Taurus like myself, this is quite the shocking revelation.
Yet, the evidence is there, time and time again. Despite my baser tendencies, I crave raw and transformational development, both within myself as well as throughout the world.
Building Foundations that Withstand Temptations
I find myself pulled between two extremes within my own consciousness – but for the first time I feel radically aware of this tension. I witness my own tendancies to shy away from my power, make excuses for my comfort and otherwise “leave well enough alone,” but I have also developed my watcher mind enough that it now questions these initial reactions automatically as well.
Sometimes this is exhausting and I feel overwhelmed by indecision. Sometimes I still don’t care and do the baser thing anyway. But – sometimes I choose the hard thing, sometimes the alchemy even comes easily, and those times are worth the frustration and failings of all the others.
In fact, I am grateful for the difficulties of overcoming my bad habits, patterns and beliefs – because it’s overcoming the difficulties, time and time again, that will ultimately make my true convictions all the more unshakable.
I look ahead at the foundations to be built this year and smile at all the obstacles, challenges and opportunities I will have to fail. I look forward to the mistakes I will surely make, the lessons that will be learned the hard way and the dissapointments that lay ahead for me. All of it, and especially the worst of it – not because I’m not scared, I’m terrified, but because I know that it is not in spite of my fears and shortcomings but rather because of them that I have the opportunity to become the strong and unshakable woman I am called to be.
With that, and a playfully mischievous wink, I wish the best of luck to this new year of the Female Brown Earth Pig – come on universe, do your very worst/best!! I may not be entirely ready, but I’m eager to learn…