I move this week. I am not ready. I will never be ready…
Getting Used to the Unexpected
When I first moved into my grandma’s to help out, I had no plans to be here for almost 5 years. Two of my sisters had been here before me and had each stayed about a year or so, and I suppose I had an unofficial assumption that someone would eventually take my place too (after about a year right?)…
Well, a year came and went. Then two… and I had to adjust my expectations.
I had still been running off of the manic energy of trying-to-justify-my-existence that I came in to this home with, fresh out of a divorce and desperate to prove myself to myself. I had de-hoarded the home and then took it upon myself to take over administration for the family businesses within those first couple years… but soon I ran out of distractions.
Reflecting on My Development
Upon realizing that no one was coming to take my place, I began to settle in here. My attentions remained external for a time, but gradually my natural, rural environment and the slow, patient pace of my grandma’s home wore down my agitated defenses. It is this space, this home, this time that has allowed for my deep personal healing and reunification.
I came face to face with my demons here, but now we’re friends who can talk things out and they help me to have perspective about things I fear. I committed myself to authenticity here, subsequently beginning a journey of healing and blessing beyond my wildest dreams. I remembered my magic, romanced myself and reenchanted my entire life here…
And now… the time is fast approaching for me to leave.
Honoring the Grief and Anxiety
This time here and all that I’ve been challenged to learn has given me a renewed sense of being. My perspectives on pain and pleasure, good and bad, as well as even life and death have all drastically changed.
I feel free to experience and express my full range of emotional, mental, spiritual and physical capabilities now. This includes savoring and being grateful for even the pain and discomfort that change brings.
As I prepare to move out and shift from full- to part-time caretaking, I am scared. I am sad. I am experiencing a full range of diverse emotions and thoughts, some more enjoyable than others, but none more important or prioritized than the rest either.
I am also excited, and somehow, I am all of these things at once. I have no manic desire to justify, prove or defend myself any longer. I have come to experience the truth of my being and in doing so I have lost all sense of “rightness.”
Embracing the Unknown
I am so in love with life that rejecting any part of it, even those painful parts I used to resist, seems impossible now… Even as I set out on a journey with an unknown destination, I am filled with a sense of confidence and grace that streams endlessly from an enrapturing trust in the Divine and an enchanting respect for nature.
So much of the pain and fear I feel now stems from not wanting to release control or become less involved with my grandma. So much of my life has revolved around her these last five years that my ego feels like it’s loosing sight of its true north. There is a frantic, unsettling chaos creating knots of anxiety in my stomach… and that’s okay.
I don’t need to feel good to be happy. I don’t need to know where I’m going to be confident. I don’t need to know everything to be true (and therefore wise)…
So here I stand, at the precipice of endless unknown tomorrows – ready to jump! If it turns out I don’t have wings well then, I know there must be an ocean at the bottom of this dive – for the love and grace of the Divine has never and will never let me fall.
May you all discover the truth of Divine grace and the wild freedom it brings – blessed be my beloveds!