I have never been big on birthdays. I remember having full on panic attacks as a young kid. I didn’t like the attention. It felt like pressure to be happy and I wasn’t a very happy kid.
My mom and grandma threw me elaborate parties in attempts to appease my young but sullen heart, to no avail. No special cakes, no special outings and not even presents could get me excited about it.
I just wanted to be left alone… and that seemed impossible on my birthdays.
I have a completely different understanding of myself now as an adult. I’ve done a lot of work to make friends with lil’ May and we have been getting along swimmingly. I have developed into a confident, happy woman and yet – I’m very much enjoying my quite, mostly isolated birthday today.
A Day Uniquely Mine
My bed was warm and cozy when I awoke today, just before 7am. My handsome kitties curled up, one on either side of me. My own voice streaming quietly from my phone.
My alarm is a personal recitation of the Abundance Prayer by Tosha Silver. The combination of low volume and the familiarity of my unique tonality is gently stimulating, like when my mother used to rub my back.
I have struggled to find a way to wake up in bliss for my entire life, and here today on my 32nd birthday, I am saturated with the awareness that I have indeed finally created this optimized experience for myself. It is such a simple moment, but it is completely Divine in all its subtle glories.
The day has since been filled with similar magick and I am enraptured by an endless stream of simple, yet inspiring blessings.
Filled with Expansive Delights
My oldest friend and current housemate snuck into my studio and decorated while I was working yesterday. She also greeted me with homemade pancakes this morning, complete with an ever-lighting candle. I got 11x my wishes today.
I only got through half my Sadhana this morning before needing to leave for work, deciding to cut the times down for my kriya to just get a little something in. After setting my timer for 1:11 I glanced at the clock – 11:11am.
I also had the realization that because my birth month and day break down to nine (April 23rd = +[2+3] = 9), my birthday will always have the same resonance as whatever year I am in (2020 [2+0+2+0 = 4]; 4+9 = 13 [1+3] = 4… 2021 = 5; 9+5 = 14 = 5… etc…), which is pretty cool. It only got cooler when a friend turned me on to what the Schumann Resonance is doing today.
Brimming with Everloving Brilliance
I have been the kid who would have thought all this stuff is stupid. I have been a doubter, a victim and afraid of living life. So I understand when people are skeptical of the miracles I see everywhere in my reality now – but honestly, I don’t give a single flying fuck.
It’s tempting to be the skeptic. It’s seductive to be “right,” “rational” or otherwise accepted. I have gone down that path and I have become that woman who hates everyone and believes the world is out to get her… The only reason that I am a different woman now is the fact that I wasn’t willing to trade my possible ecstasy for my egoic delusions forever.
I made the choice to view my life as miraculous, blessed and magickal. As a result, I have gone from being a depressed, anxious, traumatized and suicidal child, teen and young adult, to a powerful, potent and inspirational future leader among a tribe of world changing individuals.
It wasn’t easy and it’s taken my whole life up until now – honestly, I am still working on it and always will be. This kind of life isn’t even an every day choice, it’s an every moment choice.
“There are two ways to live your life. One is as though everything is a miracle. The other is as if nothing is.”~ Unknown (often mis-attributed to Albert Einstein)
Like Every Other Day in My Authenticity
The best thing is though, it all gets easier and easier. Once you start to see the miracles, you begin to notice them everywhere.
My entire existence has become enchanted by rich depth and eternal meaning. Each and every day I work passionately and with purpose. I apply myself to study, development and self-care with vigor and vitality. I invest in people I love regularly and I get to work professionally with inspirational friends around the globe.
I am firmly assured of my personal worthiness of love, because I am completely enamored with myself.
I haven’t been waiting for my birthday because I already live the life of my dreams every day. Regardless of location, the amount of money I have or even isolation, nothing can keep me from the tranquility and pleasure I manifest for myself within my own presence.
This feeling of wholeness and awe is fortunately something I feel all the time – and it never gets old. Perhaps my delight in this space of timelessness is why someone asked if I was turning 25. I certainly feel more vitality within myself now than I did as that grumpy, miserable child – so blessed to be growing young.