I am sick. I’ve been sleeping most of the weekend, feeling unlike myself as cold and flu medicine circulates in my bloodstream. My fever broke but I still smell salty-sweet from my sweating. I’m wearing my shirt inside out for some reason…

My face is broken out and my eyes are glazed with that lost look of sickness. By all measures, I am not exactly desirable right now. Yet here I am, feeling totally, completely and fantastically loved.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I haven’t always felt this way though, even when at my best. There have been countless times when I was well, fit and primed, yet still felt rejected, undesirable and unloved. It took me over 3 decades to discover what was available to me all along: love starts with ourselves.

See, back then – 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago – I was more concerned with what was “wrong” with me than anything else. Everything was a potential weapon I could use against enemy number one: myself. Of course I was the problem and if I could just look right, act right and be better everything would change.

Well, everything did change, but it’s not because I found some perfectly “right” way of being. I simply allowed myself to start paying attention to more than my fear and pain. I started to appreciate the love in my life instead of justify my rejection of it.

Coming Back to the Truth

I never needed to work out every day to be loved, but I tried to use my own self-worth against me to manipulate myself into doing just that. I never needed to push myself beyond my own boundaries to be loved, but I would sacrifice my integrity for any small semblance of external approval anyway. I never had to lose myself and become what everyone was told to want, but I was too busy listening to the chatter of desperation to tune into my own heart.

I had it all along, I was always loved, but I couldn’t accept it. I was never good enough, never deserving, and my life became a distorted version of who I thought people wanted me to be rather than the expression of my own unique divine existence. I had rejected myself, and from that place I couldn’t accept anyone else either.

The turn around came when I broke through rock bottom and found it was me running things with pitchfork in hand down there. I had to decide if I would keep feeding my inner hatred and disease or if I would endeavor to rise above, so I started climbing out from the pit of my own dispare.

Starting at the Bottom

It wasn’t easy; reclaiming my life would require sacrifice and strength. I would meet challenge after challenge, most from within, my thoughts and emotions seemingly at war with my intention. I had spent decades grooming myself into a victim and undoing all that conditioning is time consuming, and painful.

I wanted to become “the person I could respect most” in this world, and though I have always enjoyed personal development, I started to pursue my actual enlightenment for the first time. That was just over 3 years ago.

Making the Climb

Since making a commitment to authenticity in the summer of 2016, my entire life has changed, and that has included my understanding of love. What I was chasing for all those years was approval, not love. What I deprived of myself of in attempts to try and get approval, that was love.

It started with me, I was the one who decided that not being approved of meant I was unloved. I was the one who denied myself my own affection and care in order to try and manipulate myself into becoming something I wasn’t. And it has to be me who undoes all the damage too.

I am sure I will be continuing to deconstruct, heal and integrate what I’ve learned about loving myself throughout the remainder of my life. I find it absolutely vital that the time it takes does not matter though. I cannot allow myself to create new conditions for my own acceptance and love again, even if they “evolve” with me to sound desirable to my new world views.

Becoming Aware and Appreciating the Journey

You see, love isn’t a destination but a way of traveling. There is no prescription of behavior or belief that makes you more or less deserving of love, but what you believe about love will color every aspect of your entire life.

When I didn’t love myself, I didn’t love anyone else, and I couldn’t accept any love for myself from others either. Love was to be earned and well, no one is worthy.

But that’s just it. True love is a blessing that extends beyond justification and deserving. By opening myself to the grace and beauty of love’s power, I was able to overcome my own limitations as well.

Taking in all the Majesty and Splendor

I am still making this climb, I am still undoing the damage I did when I was desperate to force myself to be “ideal.” I don’t know how long this journey will take, and I don’t care. It’s all great now.

Here I am, feeling gross and undesirable, knowing I am loved. I have opened up and as a result my life has become filled with love.

I had over 150 messages on my phone to catch up on from this weekend – all from encouraging, inspiring and loving people I am blessed to know, from all over the globe. I have a generous and loving family, I’m close with my sisters, my mom, and my grandmother. I get to be a part of things I am passionate about and am no longer afraid to make people uncomfortable or be unliked.

I don’t need everyone’s approval anymore because I have my own. No, I’m not perfect, but I’m also no longer suffering the delusion that I should be either. I am better than perfect, I’m real.

Every Vista an Achievement

I’m not sure that there is a top to this climb, but there are innumerable views along the way. Wouldn’t it be sad to miss everything in a desperate scramble to summit?

That’s what I was doing for the majority of my life, more concerned with achievement than living. I never stopped to admire the speckled inclusions in my sensitivities or marvel at the expanse of my mind, I had been missing out on the immense passions of my heart for even the smallest of delights.

Now? I am enchanted, each moment a blessing. It doesn’t matter how well I do at something because I’m already proud of myself for trying. I no longer try to manipulate myself and my Self is very grateful.

It is in this way I feel I already have everything I could ever want. True richness comes in perspective and true wealth emerges from gratitude. No matter what my life holds, it will be blessed because I bless myself and others. No matter the challenges I may face, I will rejoice because the outcomes are less important than what can be learned.

I wish this freedom and joy for each of you. If you have been denying yourself your own love, decide to stop manipulating and do the work of repairing your heart. You have the power.

“Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.”

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

Blessed be my beloveds!

Today’s Channel

Beads of sweat, more than brimming – threatening, taunting, dripping into our eyes. We’re at the starting gate, chomping at the bit, yet held back by forces we don’t fully comprehend. Our whole being feels propelled forward yet we are physically stuck.

Minds racing, hearts pounding – heat pooling at our cores, threatening eruption. Freedom and purpose beckoning us from just beyond our limitations. “If only!” We cry, begging with destiny for the mercy to break out of our constraints and experience the fulfillment of these aching passions.

“Patience Beloveds.”

We are asked yet again to wait, but more even – we are asked to transform our waiting. We are being asked to develop our resilience, our steadfastness, our power and strength. We are not being tested, we are being transformed.

The opportunity of the archer lies not in the moment of the arrows flight, but in the calm and subtle positioning of their posture before they ever take the shot. It is that time now. We must take notice of our state, our your challenges and discomforts, our anxiety and anxious longing – we can take note of everything right now and adjust it all according to the trajectory of our targets.

Let everything be shaken loose by our passions. Let all priorities be sorted by our unapologetic truth. Become the nobel sovereigns, taking full responsibility for our lives and our goals, enabling ourselves with gratitude and authenticity.

“This moment is as precious as any. Savor your opportunities to survey and strategize. Indulge fully in the experience of your befores, for they all too soon become your afters…”

Heavenly Movements

Mars opposite Uranus has all of us feeling irritable, anxious and annoyed. We want to do, we want to go, we want to accomplish – yet, all our efforts seem stifled, and to make it worse, we are the ones getting in our own way.

We keep reexamining, reconsidering, rehashing – we’ve learned so much in these past 5 months, but for the life of us we can’t put our finger on any of it. We feel disturbed, disrupted and even somewhat defeated. What a place to be! Both charged and subdued.

This is further aggravated by Neptune’s eminent turn direct tomorrow. We’ve been stewing in our own emotional, idealistic and passionate juices since July and we’ve had enough. Like a kettle slowly coming to a boil on the stove, we want to express ourselves loudly!

So what’s holding us back? In addition to its opposition to Mars, Uranus is also conjunct Venus, in her cardinal sign of Taurus. Not only is our action being opposed by ingenuity and change, but the very stability and foundations of our world are entertaining revolution and regeneration as well. Everything is up in the air right now, so we have no where to move forward from.

That is, unless we create it for ourselves, and that is exactly the power play move available to us today.

A Sovereignty Ritual

Get out a peice of paper and create two columns, titled “Spoiled” and “Sovereign” at the top. Now, tap in to yourself. Feel deeply into this moment, right now. Don’t force any thoughts, feelings or expectations – just sit.

Once you’ve found a place of calm within yourself, begin to write: anything you desire that resonates with either column should be placed there. The “Spoiled” column representing things that you desire purely from an egoic, fear or pleasure based standpoint. The “Sovereign” column representing the longing of your soul, your gifts/callings and the things that you feel a grateful responsibility towards.

No judgements, just discernment; place things out of authenticity rather than “rightness.” Some things in my columns will be opposite to how others place their associations, and that’s how it should be; our differences are our ticket to freedom.

Write for as long as necessary. Delve into every facet and faction of your life; leave no stone unturned. When you are done, read and reflect. Reexamine each and every association for traces of cross contamination from perceived egoic “rightness” and adjust as necessary until you are sure the lists are accurate and true.

Now it is time to make intentions. Are the things in your “Spoiled” column things you can willingly sacrifice for the benefit of the things in your “Sovereign” column? Why it why not? If it makes you uncomfortable or brings you pain, examine why, without judgement. Explore this idea for as long as feels productive and focus on developing a plan for what limitations you will be sacrificing as well as for what corresponding opportunities.

You do not need to sacrifice/adopt everything on your lists and can return to do this exercise again and again as you like. Look for patterns and groupings and choose one type of corresponding behaviors to focus on for now. Once you have your selection, grab two more pieces of paper and this time write a letter to both your Spoiled self and your Sovereign self.

Include what you are letting go of and why. Offer thanks and appreciation for all of the experiences and reasons you have kept these things with you, acknowledging their place in your life before relinquishing your attachment to them.

Detail what you will be nurturing in yourself and how your sacrifices will support your Sovereign intentions. Remain grateful and humble, trying to present everything objectively and clearly. Redefine the relationships you have with these parts of yourself, intentionally, with the precision of a master archer taking aim.

Once finished, you will burn the list and the two letters (please do so safely/responsibly). Starting with the lists, then the Spoiled letter and finally the Sovereign letter. This last act energetically releases your intentions to the Cosmos and seals the ritual as complete.

You may also bury the writings if you wish. With the fire element you will be adding the masculine/activation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Mars archetype at play), whereas by burying them you will be adding the feminine/incubation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Venusian vibes). Ask yourself about the urgency of your requests, you may even feel called to burn one and bury another – follow your intention’s prompting here.

The Essential

Regardless of whether you do the entire ritual above, take some time today to set intentions. This is a powerful and potent opportunity that will have cascading effects throughout the next year.

Where do you want to be and how are you going to get there? What’s holding you back and how soon can you let go of those constraints? What truth exists in you, that when fully expressed creates unlimited self-admiration and respect, and how can you express that truth more and more?

Blessed be my dears, may you have the courage to do the hard and honest things, today and every day!

my heart is a garden

bursting with blooms

shining emerald brilliance


buds, petals and blossoms 

rejoicing in their cool

milky-pink rose quartz glow


fairies and fae folk 

dancing and singing

round an endless fountain 


love abundant, pouring

from the endless depths 

of my eternal soul

The nights are growing long and cold, frost greeting me as I step outside in the morning, a cool-crispness lingering in the air – life seems to be muffled by impending winter here in the Colorado Rockies. As I wonder out into the crystal-dusted pine forests, and down the winding back roads of this rural American paradise I call home, my spirit is kindled by the upcoming recoiling of nature’s grandeur. For all the dwindling color and noise, there is a building of energy, somewhere deep, in the eternal core. I feel it tingling, soft but intent.

The Wheel is Turning

Samhain (31 Oct – 2 Nov) — Irish Gaelic for “summer’s end.” The standard Irish pronunciation is “sow-in” with the “ow” like in “cow.” Other pronunciations that follow with the many Gaelic dialects include “sow-een” “shahvin” “sowin” (with “ow” like in “glow”). The Scots Gaelic spelling is “Samhuin” or “Samhuinn.” There is no linguistic foundation for saying this word “samhane” the way it might look if it were English. When in doubt, just say “Hallows” or even “Hallowe’en.”

NCSU Society for Paganism and Magic

The Celts considered the sunset the start and end of their days, interestingly, Samhain is the equivalent of that for the year in the Northern hemisphere. It is the coming into darkness, the moment we have no choice but to surrender to cold limitations as the light and heat of summer fade and we prepare to reflect and rest – waiting for Spring’s new dawn.

It represents harvest, in fullness of meaning, including that of scarcity, limitations and even death. This time of year brings a natural examination of our preparedness, security and lack. This is why the veil thins, our ancestors come closer then ever and we are called into deeper consideration of ourselves and others.

Our defenses our low, our senses shocked and options limited in the dark and cold night of the year. Paranoia might even set in if we absentmindedly try to resist this change. Yet, there are so many delights to be had as we all become more limited and vulnerable too.

Despite the freedoms, possibilities and independence of summer’s midday heat, come nightfall we all return home to those we love for comfort and warmth. Sometimes those others aren’t “here,” but that makes us no less aware of their influence in our lives; for better or worse.

Death’s Place in the Year, and Life

In the ever-increasing bounty of the modern world, more and more people find themselves surrounded by the comforts of homes, technology and utilities. The reckoning of harvest isn’t as potentially devastating for most of us now, but does that mean it’s lost its meaning? Celebrations like Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos seem to imply otherwise.

“While non-Pagans see death as an ending, some Pagans view it as a beginning of the next phase of our existence. Perhaps it is because we view the cycle of birth and life and death and rebirth as something magical and spiritual, a never-ending, ever turning wheel. Rather than being disconnected from death and dying, we tend to acknowledge it as part of a sacred evolution.”

Patti Wigington | Learn Religions

Paganism has many forms, contains many religions and creeds, and can manifest in an unlimited number of individual faiths. It is more a recognition of one’s own place among the natural order of existence than a prescription of how to recognize or perform that place. It requires one to accept responsibility for their soul, not as separate from the divine, but as an inspired refraction of divine manifestation, therefore intrinsically valuable and powerful.

If practiced authentically, this leads organically to a more contentious, considerate and compassionate life. Pagans often find themselves recognizing the divine souls within many layers of existence beyond humanity, including that of the crystalline frequencies of earth’s diverse mineral bodies and the archetypal symbolism and teachings of creatures from all sorts of realms and dimensions.

Interestingly, these revelations can lead to a romanticism of death, not as an absolution or escape from life, but as a cyclical progression of endless divine expression. It is the point of life in which spirit performs energetic alchemy and remanifests once again in divine glory. Essentially, it becomes clear that death begets life the same way life begets death.

I believe this is why humans feel the inexplicable draw to these holidays, to ancestors and to the other-side. This is why this night that marks the turn of the Wheel and the Pagan New Year is considered Hallows Eve (holy night) and the days that follow devoted to the saints and ancestors. At nightfall we return home for the dinner feast, we celebrate the day’s work, acknowledge the progress made and make note of anything we might try to do better in the morning. At Samhain we recognize the home within us and those who have helped make us, we celebrate the year’s harvest and make note of our reflections. In both instances, we prepare for more stillness and we say our prayers.

Letting the Meaning Resonate

For the Druidic tribes, intervals of cyclical reality both ended and started with natural withdrawal, reflection and rest. They gave themselves a headstart by considering their progress, intentions and preparations long before the beginning of the next day or year. With naturally increased humility, heightened awareness of their necessities as well as honor for those they rely on and learn from, they set their sights on the future from within the endless prowling possibilities of void’s dark dawn.

Let these ancient practices deepen your own connectedness to nature and the rhythms of the earth and cosmos, simply by meditating on these traditions. Truth always has it’s own ways of touching our hearts and affecting our lives. Allow the enchanting depths of this time of year to envelop your heart and mind, reminding you of your own eternal connection to all of existence, your ancestors and the divine.

For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away