No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

It started with some pickle juice; an attempt to ease a headache that was going on 30 hours… I was exhausted, I hadn’t been able to remember things for hours and was even forgetting the conversation I was having mid sentence before finally excusing myself for bed by 7:30pm.

Once I drank a sip though, I was soon eating a pickle, and then some blackberries… Before I knew it I didn’t have a headache, but I was definitely not fasting anymore either. My evening binging monster got me again the moment my willpower had run out.

Offering Myself Forgiveness and Understanding

I have felt a lot of things today about what happened last night. A part of me wanted to give up this morning, feeling amazing until the realization of why I didn’t have a headache anymore sank in, truly for the first time.

I felt like a complete failure. I felt sad and frustrated with myself. I was angry too – I had been working so hard, just to blow it?!

I let the discomfort come and go, deciding to resume my fast, noting that a mistake is only a failure if you let it stop you. So, I forgave myself and then started looking for clues to my behavior, trying to understand what happened and why so that I can be more prepared to handle the same situation in the future.

Image: Facebook

Finding Unlikely Allies Amidst the Disappointment

I began to think over the incident with curiosity instead of judgement and was surprised by what I found. Despite “disobeying,” my body and compulsion really tried to keep to my commitment in their own subtle way. Somehow, I managed to stay under 500 calories during my binge, which, given that it was all I ate yesterday, still left me in a caloric deficit sufficiently low enough to still encourage the cellular and metabolic benefits of “fasting.”

How? Why? I’ve been pondering this all day. I believe I was asking too much, too fast, and this was my body and mind’s way of letting me know that.

Yet, given the lack of conscious control I displayed last night, I can’t help but believe that they don’t want to stop the fast either. Somehow, by finding that moderation between my extreme ideals and completely giving up subconsciously last night, I now feel more encouraged to continue than ever!

Image: Facebook

Redefining Success… Again

I can see now just how much my ego wanted to be calling the shots for my fast. It created an almost impossible regimen, probably to trap me in failure and give me a reason to return to feeling sorry for myself. Well, not this time.

I’m adjusting my regimen accordingly, allowing for some watered down bone broth when I feel overwhelmed by detox symptoms. I may find other supplementation as well, but I am still beginning every day fasting and will not be exceeding the 500 calorie mark for the remainder of my water fast (the juices I will start consuming on Tuesday will bring me out of this extreme fasted state, and I will continue supplementing as needed but without calorie restrictions).

The point of this process isn’t to prove myself perfect at fasting, it’s to learn and discover things about myself. Therefore, last night’s “mistake” has been just as essential to this experience as any other one will be.

Image: Wake Up World

Extending My New Conceptions of Moderation

This experience actually helped me to release attachments of my ego in another respect as well. I have been trying to abstain from making purchases of “things” since October 2019 but have found myself breaking that commitment to buy presents for international friends at Christmas time and now considering purchases as I will be exploring alternative housing options in the second half of 2020.

I will be taking my cats and living as a nomad from my van for at least 3 months, traveling through many western states and even British Columbia – so I ordered pet IDs and Passports for both my cats. I also bought a bike and am looking at a trailer/stroller combo for my cats so that they can accompany me when I leave the van too. Despite these things becoming necessary as upcoming changes in my life have become apparent, I have felt incredibly guilty too (oh ego, can’t you just leave me be! I’M TRYING).

This recent experience has helped me to cement a growing suspicion I’ve had lately: it’s not about buying nothing, it’s about buying the right things. That’s why I bought a bike: I love riding but have never owned my own bike as an adult, I also believe it is one of the most efficient modes of personal transportation, and essentially it’s a purchase that will bring me enjoyment, improve my quality of life and expand my sustainable independence.

Image: Facebook

Learning, Adapting and Growing in Love

The peice of my personal New Year’s Divination in which I was told what would help me achieve my goals this year is making more and more sense: “balance and moderation.” I have always been an extremist, and it’s always fed my ego’s proclivity to self-sabotage. Well, not any more.

Sure, I’m me – I will probably never stop trying to challenge myself – but, I’m starting to realize that doesn’t always have to include extremes. I can still learn from this fast, even with a more practical regimen. I can still be a mindful consumer and make smart purchases.

What’s important is that my goals are actually benefiting me. Adhering strictly to extreme ideals might be appropriate for a professional athlete who sacrifices their body for their sport, but I’m seeking an optimal and masterful lifestyle for myself. Which I’m beginning to find also means I am seeking a more balanced and moderate lifestyle.

Image: http://www.awakening-intuition.com

Accepting My Own Grace and Appreciation

I just finished sipping a cup of warm broth. I have a slight detox headache but have managed to subdue the light-headedness I had as a result of trying to do too much today. I’m feeling silly about it, but appreciative that I am committed to providing myself with what I need – even if my ego has to step aside.

I’m sure I will find new ways to make mistakes on this fasting journey, but I am determined to offer myself grace again and again in order to continue and overcome. After all, there really is no ultimate that I am trying to achieve. Optimization and mastery are never ending – they are a way of succeeding as well as a way of failing.

In these ways, I’m finally learning to trust myself at 31 years old. Yes, I have traumas to heal, bad habits to overcome and good ones to create, but I’m also an incredible soul, mind and body that have chosen to align for the betterment of this world. I can’t do everything, but I can do the work of healing and use it to encourage others by sharing what I learn. And you know what? I think I’m happy to be just that, that I am.

Image: Facebook

Blessed be darlings! May you all offer yourselves the grace to find balance in your own lives as well.

Did you have a good, reflective and quiet first week of December? I hope you took the opportunity to get to the center of your sovereignty because though this week starts off slow, it will pick up before we know it. In fact, it already is – can you feel it?

In the backgrounds and peripheries, energy is building, competing and challenging. This isn’t the energy of body though, but rather mind and spirit – and these two aspects are dueling, making all of us a bit queasy with the back and forth, up and down, side to side and otherwise constant internal chaos.

What’s Going On

This is all growing in intensity as we approach the Full Moon in Gemini, opposite our Sun in Sagittarius. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. This realm is one of Thought/Mind and governed by the element of Air. It’s this Gemini Full Moon that is encouraging more mental activity, and we may feel that we are understanding things clearly under it’s bright illumination, but it may also cause hyper-analysis and duplicitous thoughts if left unchecked or unguided.

Our Sun in Sagittarius is complicating this as it is amplifying our highest ideals. A Fire Sign ruled by the planet Jupiter, Sag is not an influence that will just hang back and let the Gemini Moon call the shots. This is where that spirit energy start to come into play. Sagittarius is concerned with idealizations as opposed to thoughts; it is seeking the ultimate and loftiest expressions of life.

That doesn’t seem so bad right? Well, it’s not, but it is complicating things for the mental energies that are being stirred up.

Full Moon in Gemini might illuminate some patterns in your life and make you feel better equipped to confront and work with them on a practical level, but the Sun in Sagittarius will shine light on how those patterns then contribute (or don’t) to the ultimate reality and may even completely destabilize everything we “think we know” in some cases. Even though we may be tempted to make decisions, reach understanding and plan the strategic/practical parts of our life this week, we will be sorely disappointed if we don’t remain flexible and open-minded too.

We are still in preparatory, preliminary and prerequisite stages of this month’s power play move on the 26th when we have our Annular Solar Eclipse and the final New Moon of 2019. So despite how tempted you may be to the contrary, work on your patience, resist judgement and explore all possibilities right now. The more you can suspend this dissonance between the mortal mind and the immortal spirit, the better equipped you will be when that time finally comes for you to make your universal declaration of intentions before the coming of the new year.

Divinatory Guidance

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This ancient, intertwining dragons represent the two great strands of wisdom that run through all of us. The first is the spiritual, Source wisdom that animates and sustains all of life throughout time. The second is the physiological wisdom passed down in our DNA, through our ancestral lines.

“They have no names, for they are of the great deep and mysterious and they are unknowable.”

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This card reminds us that many things about our own selves are also unknowable. During this time of conflicting inspiration, when perhaps we may be tempted to avoid the unknown and acquiesce to our fears, be reminded of your own mysteries and take comfort that knowing isn’t essential.

When you are tempted to give the easy answer, fall back on your limited experience or make a snap judgement, challenge that wisdom you know with the wisdom you don’t. What might you be overlooking? How might you be biased? What are those schools of thought/spirit that intimidate and challenge you and why do they affect you that way?

Learning to explore possibilities beyond your own conditioning, experience and preferences will be invaluable to you throughout your life, but it is absolutely essential if you want to get all you can out of this Full Moon. It is not the time to give answers, but to ask questions – and even more so, to question ourselves, our limits and our dreams.

How might your physiological wisdom inform your spirit’s highest ideals, and how might that Source wisdom inspire your mind’s way of understanding? Study both sides, ponder all options and be content to remain undecided for now. We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.

“We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.”

mayryanna

If you are truly torn to the extent of anguish and pain, and feel you simply must choose, I offer you the following advice from the cosmos this week:

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“When I lean toward love I am lead.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

All this life stuff isn’t up to you alone. Rest in the glories of your spirit’s most brilliant vision as you also allow your hard sought experience to give you confidence this week. Save the choosing and sorting for another time and for now, entertain, examine and explore all you can!

Blessed be my beloveds. May your week be filled with expansion and your hearts be comforted by patience.

I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows