No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

A forgotten poem, of which I have lost the memory of its inspiration, yet – its words still shake me to my core:

Leave it to my dreams to convict my mind of thinking resentful things, to show my heart exactly where fear broke my wings and to teach my soul that it’s never quite done searching for the healing it needs…

Leave it to my dreams to remind me that there can be joy in the race, to put my private hurts and anger in their place and show me that what I’ve been giving isn’t grace but rather poisoned apathy…

Leave it to my dreams to surprise the way I’m feeling, to inspire more truthful dealings between my shy heart and my stubborn mind; to show me where I’ve been reeling rather than accepting my fate…

Leave it to my dreams, though seldom and wistful things, to shine light in places I’m content to leave behind me unexplored; to break the innumerable locks on my heart’s door and leave me to embrace it all the more –

Even pain is technicolor to my mind’s eye

Coming back in
just to back out
You can’t have me
but can’t move on
·
Frustrated so –
ask me to go
Changing mind

reel me in again

·

Can’t you see you’ve been hurting me?
If you care so much, why can’t you try?
I see now, it was always about you –
You never wanted but your dream of me

not my reality, not my hard-sought truth

·

Accusing, you point
only to then recoil
I’m fucking with you

just not how you like

·

Sure “I don’t get you”
I must be “confused”
If I really understood

I’d think just like you – right?!

·

Can’t you see you’re clipping my wings?
If you love me why won’t you let me fly?
I know now how I must threaten you –
I never wanted to cause any kind of grief

but I know there can be no peace in lies

·

Don’t change for me
don’t you even try!
I don’t want anything

but your authenticity

·

It’s okay if we don’t fit
We don’t have to cut
or mame ourselves –

I’ll love you from afar

·

You don’t want me, so please let me go –
it doesn’t make you wrong or me right
We can be different and still appreciate

We don’t have to be together to love –

·

I’m not rejecting you, or your dreams –
but they are yours to have, not mine
I’ll always want your spirit to thrive

but it’s my responsibility to keep mine alive

·

Can’t you see, the limits your creating?
If you want freedom why draw lines?
I’m learning now, what love is for you –
All or nothing means choosing extremes

but I’ll keep on trying to walk the midline

Had a lovely little hike this evening. There is a little mountain near my house with a winding, switchback trail to the top. The mountain is Bailey Mountain, and aptly looks down upon my little home town of Bailey Colorado.

The song I’m singing was impromptu, inspired by the moment. These are the words if you can’t hear it all:

If life were a dream, what dream would it be, but mine?

If the world were a painting, what colors would you see, besides all of these and the way they combine?

Today I heard from a mentor of mine. He was checking in to see if I’d be attending the next Apotheosis retreat in Costa Rica this June. I have been hoping against hope to get there, but hadn’t seen a way to do so… Yet.

Recently, during a meditation, Pachamama told me something that made me believe I would be back in the jungle this summer. Her healing presence surrounding me, she whispered: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” So, on faith I set my sights of discovering my beingness – trying to strip away all that I am or “are” to get back to my simple yet whole essence of existence. I must have been on the right track…

And/or my mentors/friends at High Existence are really and truly AMAZING individuals who continue to find ways to elevate me, even from afar and especially when I need them most. Blessings to my incredible global tribe!