Still so strange, this surge of energy I feel after being told to “rest and relax…” To be fair, I was quite pumped up already, so maybe it isn’t from the commission itself – but, what I’m experiencing is still so odd nevertheless, no matter the causes.
I feel – charged, yet, subdued too. Perhaps this is why I was also told that “balance and moderation” would be the key to fulfilling this commission. I must find that place within that is inspired to act, not from obligation but rather, intrinsically. I must come back to my Self, my center and my soul’s destiny.
Not Actually Remembering
In the recent past, I’ve talked to others on this healing journey about the sensation of “remembering OneSelf,” and how the wisdom we are “gaining” feels reclaimed or even uncovered rather than attained. Yet, I’m beginning to realize, what I am being invited back to now was never something I “forgot.” What I’m being called back to is what I could never lose.
My fear, the fear of losing THISNESS, has distracted and stolen the peace of THISNESS from me – but Divine grace has always remained intact regardless of my own delusions. I cannot, not be. I am that I am – it’s all the same: existence begetting endlessness.
I’m not remembering these things, I AM these things. I am now simply BEing in the Truth instead of constructing a narrative about the truth. In this way, I am releasing everything that isn’t this THISNESS, BEing and Truth.
All that can be lost, must be lost…
Given that I cannot lose this most fundamental and Divine part of myself, I must endeavor to lose everything else! What could be better than to fully align with Divinity? What goal or achievement could ever compare to Divine rapture?
It has never been about what I am here to gain, do or become – all of those delusions fueled by my fear and ego – rather, I am here to shed any and all that I am that isn’t Divine, BEing or THISNESS. Instead of planning to survive, succeed and overcome, I need to be throwing mySelf mercilessly into the most dangerous and terrifying opportunities available. It will be in these fires that I am eternally refined.
There is Nothing to be Gained
I am not unwhole. I am no longer apart from or a part of the Divine. I AM, everything I could ever need, want, desire, imagine or dream… There is nothing I could ever gain or even have, for in the Divine I AM ALL, THAT I AM.
I do not need a home, I carry Home within me everywhere. I do not need sustenance, I AM endlessly sustained. I desire no title, appointment or recognition, because I am honored intrinsically. I do not long for love or companionship, for there is no separation within me from All.
Every delight and delicacy is available to me, now and always. My joy and bliss know no bounds for I no longer impose the conditions of my ego’s understanding upon my acceptance and appreciation of Divine grace. Truly, the only limits ever available to me were those of ignorance and by accepting the invitation to step into the realm of miracles everything I experience is now effectively miraculous.
Gently, Sweetly, Easily –
No extremes, just balance. Moderate, patient and slow. Infinity is never in a rush, I have all the Time – in this world and every Other.
There is no “right way” to be Divine. The “right way” and the “wrong way” are BOTH ego’s way. Perhaps that’s why the spiritual path in ancient times was often referred to as the “middle way.”
Yes, I must thrust myself into the unknown with full faith, but I must do so tenderly. My assurance isn’t waiting for me to “arrive” somewhere and any actions I take will not be forced, even if they may be force-full.
Holding Uncontainable Truth
I can feel language failing me here, for how can I “must” if there is nothing to be gained? It is the elaborate and intricate enmeshing with the Divine that has created again, not a sense of obligation or condition, but rather a compulsory charge or stimulation that has in turn created Sense of these “inevitablities” within me – or more accurately, I am connecting purely with this Sense for having purged the false senses of ego’s infatuations and fears.
No anxiety, no pressure, no stress – just acceptance. My “must” is my might, and by placing my faith in the Divine,I have effectively enacted the will of God – the most formidable and only authentic might in existence. Everything I have ever “tried” to do before this act never empowered me because it wasn’t constructed from this most essential form of power.
A Redeemed Redeemer
It is for this reason that I can now face insecurity, rejection and poverty without fear, disappointment or discomfort. Amidst the greatest tragedies of existence I will be empowered; my strength and will not limited by requirements of validation or progress, but instead fully capable of staying in the discomfort and pain in order to acknowledge, honor and heal it.
That is the True power of God: redemption. In order to be fully committed to the Divine I must be willing to accept all blessings, even those most magnificent and extraordinary ones, which often involve a great deal of redemption.
In this way, I am both redeemed as well as redeeming. I am healed and healing. I am the Divine cycle of life itself. I have no attachments to my ego’s desperate attempts to orchestrate and control – I must simply allow. Assuredly, both my acceptance or resistance, when informed by the Divine, can be fully trusted and yet – I have never felt more acceptance and less resistance in my entire life.
I just watched a news segment about a retiree who volunteers to take naps with cats at his local shelter. He’s become a sensation and has helped raise over 100k for the shelter by becoming a viral sensation. All by taking naps with kitties. All without trying.
This is the type of thing the universe keeps showing me lately, ways in which things work out, just because. I’m still mulling over my “rest and relax” commission from the Divine for 2020, but little signs like Mr. Cat Nap help.
Can I Really Succeed without Trying?
I once wrote a poem with the lines: “you cannot fail if the goal is failing / you also cannot succeed -” and I’m reminded of that feeling now. Stepping outside of the playbook and the game altogether, not breaking “rules” because I don’t recognize any…
The memory contained in that poem feels dangerous – but not this feeling, not now – this is different… This isn’t rebellion, it’s acceptance.
I won’t succeed. I won’t do anything. It’s not about me.
I won’t fail either though, because it isn’t a competition and I have nothing to lose. I’m not gambling, I’m reveling. The Divine something beyond the logical choice, the closest description possibly optimal…
Not as Simple as Doing Nothing
The irony of it all is, it’s not like the most restorative, relaxing, healing and meditative life contains nothing. I still have to live, caring for myself and my loved ones, expressing the curiosity and creativity of my soul, enjoying and trusting in the Divine…
I’ve had trouble with procrastination my entire life, yet now, as I am commissioned to rest and relax – I find myself delightfully stimulated. Strangely, for many of the things I’ve struggled to maintain enthusiasm for in the past.
I’m talking to more of my friends, reaching out and opening up. I’m cooking with more enthusiasm and care. I’m sleeping better. I have more energy and clarity. I’m excited about life and feeling grateful organically.
Things are still getting done. I haven’t been suddenly overcome with inherent laziness and entitlement… It’s almost as if all of the pressure I was putting on myself was the most taxing element in my life – and without it everything is just running better…
Nurturing the Courage to Believe
I’m only a few days in, but so far this radically daring faith I’ve been called to is having cascading rebalancing effects throughout my entire life. The calm is palpable, the peace is tangible, the joy is consuming – and I am grateful.
I’m so excited to have no idea what’s next. I cannot wait for the next big turn or twist! I feel as though I’m already flying – the Divine the invisible force on which I rise – soaring on the currents and gusts with trust that my wings were designed to dance with these trappings of air…