“27!” I exclaim in my own mind. I have a funny smile on my face, holding a penny in my right hand while reaching into my left pocket with my other, feeling for the penny and quarter I picked up just minutes ago. “They’re both still there,” I consider briefly, “the penny didn’t just fall out – this is a NEW ONE!”

Yay, PENNIES!

Why am I so excited over just one more cent? Well, it would seem I’ve been playing a little game lately, with the Divine…

Starting Unannounced

At first, it was 12 cents. Two pennies and a dime that were found in the couch and left to sit on the side table. No one seemed to care about them, as they lay there with a few odd peices of trash.

I cleaned up the small pile of refuse, carefully removing the 3 coins and placing them in my pocket. Just hours later, a meme appeared on my screen, catching my eye. I don’t recall exactly what it said, but it was remarking on how a truly rich person sees the value in every penny.

It felt like an invitation, so I accepted. I am now officially a value scout, looking for each and every cent that may be left to the wayside as the bills and cards do the grunt work…

Making Metaphysical Investments

No, I don’t believe I will somehow amass a fortune one penny at a time. I do however believe that our actions create reactions, and that some of the most powerful reverberating effects happen as a result of some of the smallest, but also most intentional acts.

That’s why I’m picking up pennies like I just won the lottery. I am creating the frequency of gratitude and appreciation in my life, for every blessing, not just the BIG ones. I believe this small effort will be powerfully metaphysically transformative…

For example, let’s say you have a friend who you’ve tried to give little, “silly” gifts to from time to time. Little notes, funny shaped rocks, fresh plucked flowers – nothing expensive, but all heart felt. How would you feel about this person if they never seemed to care?

If every time your little gestures of love went ignored or even snubbed, would you keep trying to bless them? Maybe for a while, but eventually you’re going to learn to shower your affections elsewhere – and who would blame you??

Well, I’m seeing these pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters clearly for the first time: these little, inconsequential blessings are my opportunity to practice recieving. The Divine desires to shower me with all the abundance of its love and, in these small ways, is testing to see if I am willing and able to be blessed.

Not the Only Example of My Recent Internal Paradigm Shifts

In addition to the change in how I’m viewing change, I’m coming into a ever expanding awareness of my wealth as well. And I don’t mean financial…

I am fast becoming unable to ignore the blessings of my high caliber global network and the endless opportunities it creates for meaningful, creative work. I cannot deny my dozens of loving brothers and sisters around the world who actively invest in my growth, development and journey…. Or the amazing group of yogis I am blessed to be a part of, grow with and learn from locally.

The real kicker though?! I am profoundly coming into the awareness of my own value, capabilities and growth.

All that bullshit I’ve waded through to get here? Yep, it’s all gold now! The traumas, trials and tribulations of my past have been alchemized and transmuted by my commitment, love and devotion. I now have an endless amount of inspiration, experience and stories to offer the world… and it’s all EXTREMELY VALUABLE!

Redesigning My Future with Clarity

Overcoming depression, anxiety and C-PTSD without costly pharmaceuticals or therapy? Yep, did that. I can teach it. I can help people… Will it be easy for them? Hell no – they will have to fight through their karmic densities, confront their demons and grooming, killing their ego again and again – but for a serious soul that is seeking true liberation, it’s the only way and I’m honored to have the opportunity to share it…

My inner Wild Woman surveying her domain

Rediscovering magick, reenchanting life and creating an intentional future? Yep, I got you. I can guide and encourage souls on their own Shamanic journey to the underworld and back. Again, not an easy option or something you’ll find on an infomercial that swears it’s all you’ve ever needed, but it’s REAL and it works so I’m genuinely proud to have that experience available to offer others who are on the path.

Utilizing the breath, movement and sound as biological technologies in order to amplify the highest qualities of one’s being whilst also clearing and purifying global karma? Yep, I’m learning that too and it’s changing my life every day. It’s certainly an education that I feel honored and privileged to recieve and I cannot wait to help others help themselves with it too.

Kundalini Whites on the Mountain

Tapping into Divine source for messages of guidance, healing love energy or the ability to teach without ego? Yep, I call it “getting out of the way” and it’s truly all I’m really good at. I am inspired to share my channeling abilities with others and bless them myself, but even more excited about encouraging and helping others to find their own channels and reconnect directly with the Divine themselves in these ways… And there could never be anything more valuable than that.

Writing clearly about subversive and unpopular topics that have the potential to change the course of human history? Oh hey! I can even do that!

I could keep going, but I think my point has been made. I AM VALUABLE. Incredibly valuable… and it’s time I start acting like it and treating myself with the respect I would give any person that I consider successful, wealthy and accomplished.

These pennies are small reminders right now of just how powerful I can be – but I’m set on learning and it won’t be long before the Divine has rightly built confidence in my appreciation… I expect the little gifts to grow in proportion to my faith, but I am also committed to celebrating every single cent along the way too.

Image: Facebook

Blessed be my beloveds! I hope each of you find a penny for yourselves today too…

Editing for a friend…

Recording video for a friend…

Moving in with a friend…

Getting help from a friend…

Breaking through with a friend…

Intercontinental magick with a friend…

Verbally processing with a friend…

Being encouraged by a friend…

Contemplating collaboration with friends…

Collaboration with friends…

More collaborations with friends…

More friends, more collaborations, more sharing, more love, more fulfillment, more joy, more memories, more love…

Image Credit: TruCreations (my friend Desaray Tice)

No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

I woke up this morning at 7:30am and was calm. Much calmer than I had felt all day yesterday, and I dare say, calmer than I’ve felt in a while.

I had 30 more minutes of my dry fasting period before I could drink water and it’s Saturday, so I laid in bed with my snuggling kittens and got caught up on messages. Before I knew it, it was almost 9am and I was being startled back to my own reality when one of my best friends AND my boyfriend both messaged to ask how my first sip was… and I had to admit that I had forgotten all about it!

Reinstated Self-Control

Even when reminded, though the feeling of thirst instantaneously reemerged in my awareness, I remained calm. I didn’t dash straight to the sink and slobber up my refreshment as desperately as I had longed to yesterday – I didn’t even immediately get up! I remained and observed, curious about this new sensation of peace I was unexpectedly experiencing.

When I did get up, it was still in calmness. I kissed each of my kittens, pulled on my White Tiger onesie and brushed my hair, found my favorite water bottle and washed it – contemplated adding lemon as I usually do but then decided to stick with pure, unadulterated H20 before I filled it up… And even then, I didn’t drink. I went and sat down.

When I would finally take my first sip of water, it was already passed 9:30am. I popped the cap on my water bottle and slowly let the cool, refreshing and life giving nectar pour over my parched lips, feeling the sensation of refreshment consuming me as it cascaded down my tongue and into the back of my throat. It felt 100% erotic.

I may never drink water the same, ever again.

Rediscovering Sanctity

Having sacrificed water, even for just a day, has indeed helped me make it sacred. By withholding this most basic necessity for life from myself, I have become more fundamentally aware of my blessings and grateful for everything.

I feel astonishingly in awe of the technology I’m blessed to live with. The fact that this cool, crisp, life-giving nectar is available to me 24/7 at the turn of a nob is exceptionally wonderful. Yes, I have always *known this, but I feel I truly understand the magnitude of this fact’s significance for the first time in my life right now at 31 years old.

Prompt from my Question App today

Three decades is a long time to live without understanding one’s most basic blessings. Three decades is a long time to go without ever truly appreciating the sensual and nourishing qualities of water. It’s taken me my whole life so far, but I’m so glad to have finally gotten HERE.

Moving Forward into Deeper Layers

For now, I am reveling in the bliss and enchantment of simply drinking water, but I am sure to be feeling to the discomforts of abstaining from food in the next few days. There will certainly be many more challenges and discoveries.

I am feeling more confident and resolved than ever though, ready to break through the next challenge and the next. I’m excited for the lessons to come and invigorated by my short term success.

There is certainly a beauty to starting with the hardest challenge – I feel I have the strength to overcome anything now that I have faced my own biological fear of dying from thirst. If my mind can be an observer of my fear and pain in those most desperate moments, what can’t it do? If my heart can remain committed, if my soul will provide the grace – there is truly nothing that can intimidate me anymore.

Image: Facebook

Internal and External Graces

The change isn’t as simple as can be explained. It’s not just the renewed sense of confidence, or even experiencing romantic and sensual layers to the often ignored blessings of life – it’s so much more.

I feel an upwelling of grace. My ability to overcome, blossoming. Stagnation and densities breaking apart, both within myself as well as without…

It feels like magick. And why, my beloveds, would anyone ever choose to settle for less?

Remnants from a personal magick ceremony performed yesterday at the height of the Lunar Eclipse

Blessed be my beloveds! May you all be inspired to challenge your own privileges and conditioning as well.

On “Columbus Day” I celebrate Indigenous Peoples, on Christmas I celebrate Yule, and while others give thanks today I will be joining in, but with my awareness on the Displaced People around the world. That’s the true meaning of Thanksgiving to me, both with regard to the pilgrims when they came to America, and now as well with the Natives who have subsequently been displaced as a result of those settlements and my nation’s sordid history.

It’s not as simple as just giving thanks though, at least not for me. This holiday is one of the most gruesome and difficult, because this awareness of truth I soulfully maintain thrusts my consciousness into acceptance of all the evil humanity is capable of (as well as the good).

Does it lift people’s spirits? Does it make for great conversations? Is it trendy, popular or fun? No, it is none of those things we’ve been groomed to expect from our Holy Days, but it is a Holy Day none the less.

Getting Personal

My grandmother was taken from her childhood home at just 9 years old. Sent to live in a “starvation camp” with her grandmother, brother and cousin, none of them would ever make it back to that house again.

My great grandmother Anna did indeed starve to death in that camp. My grandmother waking in her cold, stiff arms one day when she was just 12. Anna had been holding the tiny, malnourished girl as she had slept, and my grandmother had to cry out for someone to help her escape her own grandmother’s rigor mortis.

My own fortune began long before my birth or even my mother’s birth, when that brave, malnourished little girl dared to escape that camp – and did. She made it out alive, and this began her official journey as a displaced person, eventually leading her and her remaining family to seek refuge in America when she was 17.

Honoring the Pain

My grandmother is my hero. Her grandmother too, and I am so proud to bare her namesake as a part of my own (why I prefer MayryANNA to just Mayry).

I come from an incredible lineage of strong, caring and brave women. My great grandmother would serve the little bit of moldy bread they recieved in the camp as a gruel to the children before herself, and that sacrifice alone enabled my grandmother’s survival. To this day my grandmother recalls her innocence of not knowing what was happening when her own grandmother “scraped out the bowl” in order to feed herself after serving the kids.

My own grandmother has since gone on to make Anna so proud: making it through the hiding and unknowns of her displacement, coming to a new country and learning a new language, building a life and a family in North America, overcoming again and again. Yet, my grandma, in all her strength and success, is still displaced.

She will never return home. The trauma and great loss of her young life has scarred and scared her. One of my sister’s is now a missionary in Northern Macedonia (used to be Yugoslavia when my grandmother was a child) and has visited the town where my grandmother grew up – but my grandma is worried that if she ever went back to Eastern Europe they won’t let her leave (given her experiences, that of course makes sense, even despite the actual probabilities), so she refuses to visit.

Acknowledging Blessings

It hurts me to see the repercussions of humanity’s evil still affecting my grandmother decades after her traumatic displacement. Yet, in honoring her, I must also be grateful.

I have never been displaced myself. I have grown up strong and proud as an United States Citizen, and I have enjoyed the perks of that designation my entire life.

Here in Colorado, I live on land once claimed by the Ute peoples and feel their lingering presence daily. I’ve found a rough carving of a bear that is somehow attuned to stand only when looking at a neighboring mountain (a highly charged site I suspect was considered holy or sacred), taking notice of hobbled trees and trying to find the ancient paths they once marked.

This is my home, now, but it is not only my home. It is and has been so much more, to so many more – and it will always be more. In a way, we humans are all displaced, we are all seeking a safe home and the opportunity to flourish on land stolen from our ancestors and borrowed from our children.

The land remains, yes, but so do the crimes. The memories, the traumas and the pain – all of that gets passed on too. Which is why I choose to remember, especially on this day: freedom isn’t free, true love does the tough thing and peace is hard won (often by heros in grandmother’s clothing).

My beloved grandmother, Amu