No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

Still so strange, this surge of energy I feel after being told to “rest and relax…” To be fair, I was quite pumped up already, so maybe it isn’t from the commission itself – but, what I’m experiencing is still so odd nevertheless, no matter the causes.

I feel – charged, yet, subdued too. Perhaps this is why I was also told that “balance and moderation” would be the key to fulfilling this commission. I must find that place within that is inspired to act, not from obligation but rather, intrinsically. I must come back to my Self, my center and my soul’s destiny.

Not Actually Remembering

In the recent past, I’ve talked to others on this healing journey about the sensation of “remembering OneSelf,” and how the wisdom we are “gaining” feels reclaimed or even uncovered rather than attained. Yet, I’m beginning to realize, what I am being invited back to now was never something I “forgot.” What I’m being called back to is what I could never lose.

My fear, the fear of losing THISNESS, has distracted and stolen the peace of THISNESS from me – but Divine grace has always remained intact regardless of my own delusions. I cannot, not be. I am that I am – it’s all the same: existence begetting endlessness.

I’m not remembering these things, I AM these things. I am now simply BEing in the Truth instead of constructing a narrative about the truth. In this way, I am releasing everything that isn’t this THISNESS, BEing and Truth.

All that can be lost, must be lost…

Given that I cannot lose this most fundamental and Divine part of myself, I must endeavor to lose everything else! What could be better than to fully align with Divinity? What goal or achievement could ever compare to Divine rapture?

It has never been about what I am here to gain, do or become – all of those delusions fueled by my fear and ego – rather, I am here to shed any and all that I am that isn’t Divine, BEing or THISNESS. Instead of planning to survive, succeed and overcome, I need to be throwing mySelf mercilessly into the most dangerous and terrifying opportunities available. It will be in these fires that I am eternally refined.

There is Nothing to be Gained

I am not unwhole. I am no longer apart from or a part of the Divine. I AM, everything I could ever need, want, desire, imagine or dream… There is nothing I could ever gain or even have, for in the Divine I AM ALL, THAT I AM.

I do not need a home, I carry Home within me everywhere. I do not need sustenance, I AM endlessly sustained. I desire no title, appointment or recognition, because I am honored intrinsically. I do not long for love or companionship, for there is no separation within me from All.

Every delight and delicacy is available to me, now and always. My joy and bliss know no bounds for I no longer impose the conditions of my ego’s understanding upon my acceptance and appreciation of Divine grace. Truly, the only limits ever available to me were those of ignorance and by accepting the invitation to step into the realm of miracles everything I experience is now effectively miraculous.

Gently, Sweetly, Easily –

No extremes, just balance. Moderate, patient and slow. Infinity is never in a rush, I have all the Time – in this world and every Other.

There is no “right way” to be Divine. The “right way” and the “wrong way” are BOTH ego’s way. Perhaps that’s why the spiritual path in ancient times was often referred to as the “middle way.”

Yes, I must thrust myself into the unknown with full faith, but I must do so tenderly. My assurance isn’t waiting for me to “arrive” somewhere and any actions I take will not be forced, even if they may be force-full.

Holding Uncontainable Truth

I can feel language failing me here, for how can I “must” if there is nothing to be gained? It is the elaborate and intricate enmeshing with the Divine that has created again, not a sense of obligation or condition, but rather a compulsory charge or stimulation that has in turn created Sense of these “inevitablities” within me – or more accurately, I am connecting purely with this Sense for having purged the false senses of ego’s infatuations and fears.

No anxiety, no pressure, no stress – just acceptance. My “must” is my might, and by placing my faith in the Divine, I have effectively enacted the will of God – the most formidable and only authentic might in existence. Everything I have ever “tried” to do before this act never empowered me because it wasn’t constructed from this most essential form of power.

A Redeemed Redeemer

It is for this reason that I can now face insecurity, rejection and poverty without fear, disappointment or discomfort. Amidst the greatest tragedies of existence I will be empowered; my strength and will not limited by requirements of validation or progress, but instead fully capable of staying in the discomfort and pain in order to acknowledge, honor and heal it.

That is the True power of God: redemption. In order to be fully committed to the Divine I must be willing to accept all blessings, even those most magnificent and extraordinary ones, which often involve a great deal of redemption.

In this way, I am both redeemed as well as redeeming. I am healed and healing. I am the Divine cycle of life itself. I have no attachments to my ego’s desperate attempts to orchestrate and control – I must simply allow. Assuredly, both my acceptance or resistance, when informed by the Divine, can be fully trusted and yet – I have never felt more acceptance and less resistance in my entire life.

Be Blessed Beloveds, Blessed BE –

Image: Facebook

Did you have a good, reflective and quiet first week of December? I hope you took the opportunity to get to the center of your sovereignty because though this week starts off slow, it will pick up before we know it. In fact, it already is – can you feel it?

In the backgrounds and peripheries, energy is building, competing and challenging. This isn’t the energy of body though, but rather mind and spirit – and these two aspects are dueling, making all of us a bit queasy with the back and forth, up and down, side to side and otherwise constant internal chaos.

What’s Going On

This is all growing in intensity as we approach the Full Moon in Gemini, opposite our Sun in Sagittarius. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. This realm is one of Thought/Mind and governed by the element of Air. It’s this Gemini Full Moon that is encouraging more mental activity, and we may feel that we are understanding things clearly under it’s bright illumination, but it may also cause hyper-analysis and duplicitous thoughts if left unchecked or unguided.

Our Sun in Sagittarius is complicating this as it is amplifying our highest ideals. A Fire Sign ruled by the planet Jupiter, Sag is not an influence that will just hang back and let the Gemini Moon call the shots. This is where that spirit energy start to come into play. Sagittarius is concerned with idealizations as opposed to thoughts; it is seeking the ultimate and loftiest expressions of life.

That doesn’t seem so bad right? Well, it’s not, but it is complicating things for the mental energies that are being stirred up.

Full Moon in Gemini might illuminate some patterns in your life and make you feel better equipped to confront and work with them on a practical level, but the Sun in Sagittarius will shine light on how those patterns then contribute (or don’t) to the ultimate reality and may even completely destabilize everything we “think we know” in some cases. Even though we may be tempted to make decisions, reach understanding and plan the strategic/practical parts of our life this week, we will be sorely disappointed if we don’t remain flexible and open-minded too.

We are still in preparatory, preliminary and prerequisite stages of this month’s power play move on the 26th when we have our Annular Solar Eclipse and the final New Moon of 2019. So despite how tempted you may be to the contrary, work on your patience, resist judgement and explore all possibilities right now. The more you can suspend this dissonance between the mortal mind and the immortal spirit, the better equipped you will be when that time finally comes for you to make your universal declaration of intentions before the coming of the new year.

Divinatory Guidance

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This ancient, intertwining dragons represent the two great strands of wisdom that run through all of us. The first is the spiritual, Source wisdom that animates and sustains all of life throughout time. The second is the physiological wisdom passed down in our DNA, through our ancestral lines.

“They have no names, for they are of the great deep and mysterious and they are unknowable.”

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This card reminds us that many things about our own selves are also unknowable. During this time of conflicting inspiration, when perhaps we may be tempted to avoid the unknown and acquiesce to our fears, be reminded of your own mysteries and take comfort that knowing isn’t essential.

When you are tempted to give the easy answer, fall back on your limited experience or make a snap judgement, challenge that wisdom you know with the wisdom you don’t. What might you be overlooking? How might you be biased? What are those schools of thought/spirit that intimidate and challenge you and why do they affect you that way?

Learning to explore possibilities beyond your own conditioning, experience and preferences will be invaluable to you throughout your life, but it is absolutely essential if you want to get all you can out of this Full Moon. It is not the time to give answers, but to ask questions – and even more so, to question ourselves, our limits and our dreams.

How might your physiological wisdom inform your spirit’s highest ideals, and how might that Source wisdom inspire your mind’s way of understanding? Study both sides, ponder all options and be content to remain undecided for now. We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.

“We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.”

mayryanna

If you are truly torn to the extent of anguish and pain, and feel you simply must choose, I offer you the following advice from the cosmos this week:

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“When I lean toward love I am lead.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

All this life stuff isn’t up to you alone. Rest in the glories of your spirit’s most brilliant vision as you also allow your hard sought experience to give you confidence this week. Save the choosing and sorting for another time and for now, entertain, examine and explore all you can!

Blessed be my beloveds. May your week be filled with expansion and your hearts be comforted by patience.

I found happiness 
at the bottom 
of my darkest 
scariest and
hardest 
resistance –
as soon as I
let go of my
fear and expectations 


Drowning in bliss
doesn’t always 
feel all that
pleasant 
but the pain
makes resilient 
my most broken –


Healing in
to bloom
forever
dying just
to grow again 


here
I AM
now


i am 


now
I AM
here


Again to grow
just to die
always
crumbling 
diffusing out –


Brilliance of most
tranquil suffering 
but the joy
difficult –
thinking all
and every way
killing potential highs


Goals and potentialities 
sneakily influence 
if I don’t watch
my mischief –
easiest 
purest and
most beloved
at the center
of what can never be lost

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”