No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”

my heart is a garden

bursting with blooms

shining emerald brilliance


buds, petals and blossoms 

rejoicing in their cool

milky-pink rose quartz glow


fairies and fae folk 

dancing and singing

round an endless fountain 


love abundant, pouring

from the endless depths 

of my eternal soul

I wanted to do a bit of an astrology/numerology forecast for November today, but I’ve been in training all day and need to be up at 4am for Sadhana tomorrow. So, what I have is very brief and mostly intuitive!

Starting with a BANG!

I’m certainly feeling it! This month wastes no time getting things started, it might even feel like the chaos of October just keeps going – but so much has indeed changed.

October was all about redefining who we are, what we mean to this world and how we show up. November is about putting that into action. Coming off this freshly infused identity crisis/confirmation will carry some momentum, which is what we are experiencing now.

November packs a punch in its own right too though. 11 resonates as the first of the “angel numbers” and teaches us about our relationship to the divine. So even though things might still be hectic, you may have also noticed a cosmic shift to a more sacred or serious tone.

A Steady, Sensual Slowing…

The bustle of the beginning of this month will begin to slow as we all gradually settle into a new, more present and purposeful pace. Mercury has already turned retrograde on the 31st and is contributing to this retraction of outward energy flow.

Mercury won’t turn direct until November 20th, so in the interim, don’t push yourself – especially with regard to communication. Now is the time for personal contemplation. Really, truly allow yourself to integrate the happenings of the last week, month, year… Get cozy in your own mind and heart, the depth of your inner journey can only make for much more interesting holiday conversations anyway – and by that time Mercury will be more supportive too!

The noticable peak of this slowdown will begin in conjunction with the Taurus Full Moon on the 12th. We will all feel called to start making our surroundings more cozy, warm and comfortable. We will also feel called to communicate with others in more satisfying and sensual ways.

More of a draw to visit with friends and family, a desire to plan for the holidays and general good cheer are all possible. For those who are resistant however, this may result in an acute awareness of the cold, loneliness and isolation, bitterness and irritability, as well as a desire to retreat amidst a sense of entrapment. Senses will be heightened regardless, be mindful of how you employ them.

The Full Moon will be an ideal day for some divination if you desire. It will carry a reflective energy of your 2019 harvest.

A Gentle ReQuickening

We get to enjoy a slow build back up from Mercury turning direct on the 20th to Neptune making his turn direct on the 27th. The watery giant has been causing us to dive deeper into possibilities than ever for the past 5 months while traveling retrograde and we will all notice it’s snap “back to reality.”

Despite Neptune lacking the fiery energy of Mars or the Sun, I intuit this turn will still feel charged. Remember, water conducts electricity – get ready to feel a jolt!

The depths to which you have traveled will give you every chance to reach even higher highs. The key will be a willingness to flow with the current and release anything that might hinder your newly impassioned dreams. Allow the spiritual and emotional lessons of these past five months to nourish your truth and launch you even further into authenticity.

A Day for Ceremony

Conveniently, the day before Neptune turns direct, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius on the 26th. There could not be a more opportune time for a purposeful alignment with your goals. Take the time for a simple New Moon ceremony that day in which you write out your reflections of the past 5 months:

  • What were the major spiritual and emotional themes?
  • In what ways did you find yourself going deeper and what did you discover in those explorations?
  • What have you learned about your authenticity, ego and self-expression?
  • How have these things changed or inspired your dreams?

Once you have written yourself to the point of passion and gratitude for all the possibilities and opportunities you’ve already created for yourself (and not a moment sooner), pen a formal letter to the heavens. Tell Neptune himself what you want the charge of his turning direct to launch you towards!

Once your letter is complete, meditate with it. Use the archetypal archer vibration of the Sagittarius New Moon to shoot your letter out into the astral universe, following it all the way from your own bow and arrow to the heart/hands of Neptune on his watery throne. If you prefer, you can meditate with the archetype of any benevolent, heart-centered diety: Christ, Buddha, Kuan Yin, etc… Once you are finished you can keep or responsibly dispose of your letter.

That’s it! Feel free to dress it up with your own prayers, and light a candle or incense beforehand if you like too. The best ceremony ingredient is always your own personal intuition.

Surrender to the Rhythm

As you can see, there’s a bit of ebb and flow to come this November. Don’t fight it. Finesse it.

Find the rhythm and your own particular harmony. The cold doesn’t have to be bitter, the slowing doesn’t have to be tense. Relax.

‘Tis the season my friends! Let’s reclaim some holiday cheer and spread it ’round, far and near! Blessed be!