“27!” I exclaim in my own mind. I have a funny smile on my face, holding a penny in my right hand while reaching into my left pocket with my other, feeling for the penny and quarter I picked up just minutes ago. “They’re both still there,” I consider briefly, “the penny didn’t just fall out – this is a NEW ONE!”

Yay, PENNIES!

Why am I so excited over just one more cent? Well, it would seem I’ve been playing a little game lately, with the Divine…

Starting Unannounced

At first, it was 12 cents. Two pennies and a dime that were found in the couch and left to sit on the side table. No one seemed to care about them, as they lay there with a few odd peices of trash.

I cleaned up the small pile of refuse, carefully removing the 3 coins and placing them in my pocket. Just hours later, a meme appeared on my screen, catching my eye. I don’t recall exactly what it said, but it was remarking on how a truly rich person sees the value in every penny.

It felt like an invitation, so I accepted. I am now officially a value scout, looking for each and every cent that may be left to the wayside as the bills and cards do the grunt work…

Making Metaphysical Investments

No, I don’t believe I will somehow amass a fortune one penny at a time. I do however believe that our actions create reactions, and that some of the most powerful reverberating effects happen as a result of some of the smallest, but also most intentional acts.

That’s why I’m picking up pennies like I just won the lottery. I am creating the frequency of gratitude and appreciation in my life, for every blessing, not just the BIG ones. I believe this small effort will be powerfully metaphysically transformative…

For example, let’s say you have a friend who you’ve tried to give little, “silly” gifts to from time to time. Little notes, funny shaped rocks, fresh plucked flowers – nothing expensive, but all heart felt. How would you feel about this person if they never seemed to care?

If every time your little gestures of love went ignored or even snubbed, would you keep trying to bless them? Maybe for a while, but eventually you’re going to learn to shower your affections elsewhere – and who would blame you??

Well, I’m seeing these pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters clearly for the first time: these little, inconsequential blessings are my opportunity to practice recieving. The Divine desires to shower me with all the abundance of its love and, in these small ways, is testing to see if I am willing and able to be blessed.

Not the Only Example of My Recent Internal Paradigm Shifts

In addition to the change in how I’m viewing change, I’m coming into a ever expanding awareness of my wealth as well. And I don’t mean financial…

I am fast becoming unable to ignore the blessings of my high caliber global network and the endless opportunities it creates for meaningful, creative work. I cannot deny my dozens of loving brothers and sisters around the world who actively invest in my growth, development and journey…. Or the amazing group of yogis I am blessed to be a part of, grow with and learn from locally.

The real kicker though?! I am profoundly coming into the awareness of my own value, capabilities and growth.

All that bullshit I’ve waded through to get here? Yep, it’s all gold now! The traumas, trials and tribulations of my past have been alchemized and transmuted by my commitment, love and devotion. I now have an endless amount of inspiration, experience and stories to offer the world… and it’s all EXTREMELY VALUABLE!

Redesigning My Future with Clarity

Overcoming depression, anxiety and C-PTSD without costly pharmaceuticals or therapy? Yep, did that. I can teach it. I can help people… Will it be easy for them? Hell no – they will have to fight through their karmic densities, confront their demons and grooming, killing their ego again and again – but for a serious soul that is seeking true liberation, it’s the only way and I’m honored to have the opportunity to share it…

My inner Wild Woman surveying her domain

Rediscovering magick, reenchanting life and creating an intentional future? Yep, I got you. I can guide and encourage souls on their own Shamanic journey to the underworld and back. Again, not an easy option or something you’ll find on an infomercial that swears it’s all you’ve ever needed, but it’s REAL and it works so I’m genuinely proud to have that experience available to offer others who are on the path.

Utilizing the breath, movement and sound as biological technologies in order to amplify the highest qualities of one’s being whilst also clearing and purifying global karma? Yep, I’m learning that too and it’s changing my life every day. It’s certainly an education that I feel honored and privileged to recieve and I cannot wait to help others help themselves with it too.

Kundalini Whites on the Mountain

Tapping into Divine source for messages of guidance, healing love energy or the ability to teach without ego? Yep, I call it “getting out of the way” and it’s truly all I’m really good at. I am inspired to share my channeling abilities with others and bless them myself, but even more excited about encouraging and helping others to find their own channels and reconnect directly with the Divine themselves in these ways… And there could never be anything more valuable than that.

Writing clearly about subversive and unpopular topics that have the potential to change the course of human history? Oh hey! I can even do that!

I could keep going, but I think my point has been made. I AM VALUABLE. Incredibly valuable… and it’s time I start acting like it and treating myself with the respect I would give any person that I consider successful, wealthy and accomplished.

These pennies are small reminders right now of just how powerful I can be – but I’m set on learning and it won’t be long before the Divine has rightly built confidence in my appreciation… I expect the little gifts to grow in proportion to my faith, but I am also committed to celebrating every single cent along the way too.

Image: Facebook

Blessed be my beloveds! I hope each of you find a penny for yourselves today too…

I have been more reserved on here lately. Alas, all is well, I am simply trying to rest and relax more. Also, “unplanning” is something I’m learning, which is quite fun…

Image: Facebook

I had another great weekend at Kundalini YTT. I’m feeling very honored to be learning such powerful human technologies.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of gratitude in the days since training. Things flowing, effortlessly… Suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised given I’m slowing down, doing less and not planning at all… but it’s still all novel to me, and I’m enjoying the process of learning how to be more at peace and contented.

Image: Facebook

I have been noticing and appreciating my global tribe more and more… Which to be honest, I didn’t think was possible because I have held them all in highest esteem already. Yet, my limitations of joy are still being challenged and stretched in each moment.

I have so many opportunities within my network… My understanding of wealth has been completely transformed and I honestly feel like one of the richest people in the world because of the caliber of my chosen family, peers and mentors.

I have been wondering less and less “what will I do,” whilst saying “what won’t I do” more and more… and I am truly curious. It feels as though the Divine is excited to show me all it can do through my faith…

Image: Facebook

I’m sure there will be many more stories to come, of all the enchantments and wonders that have me talking this way….. but for now, I’m still savoring them for myself.

Blessed be beloveds, xx mayryanna

It started with some pickle juice; an attempt to ease a headache that was going on 30 hours… I was exhausted, I hadn’t been able to remember things for hours and was even forgetting the conversation I was having mid sentence before finally excusing myself for bed by 7:30pm.

Once I drank a sip though, I was soon eating a pickle, and then some blackberries… Before I knew it I didn’t have a headache, but I was definitely not fasting anymore either. My evening binging monster got me again the moment my willpower had run out.

Offering Myself Forgiveness and Understanding

I have felt a lot of things today about what happened last night. A part of me wanted to give up this morning, feeling amazing until the realization of why I didn’t have a headache anymore sank in, truly for the first time.

I felt like a complete failure. I felt sad and frustrated with myself. I was angry too – I had been working so hard, just to blow it?!

I let the discomfort come and go, deciding to resume my fast, noting that a mistake is only a failure if you let it stop you. So, I forgave myself and then started looking for clues to my behavior, trying to understand what happened and why so that I can be more prepared to handle the same situation in the future.

Image: Facebook

Finding Unlikely Allies Amidst the Disappointment

I began to think over the incident with curiosity instead of judgement and was surprised by what I found. Despite “disobeying,” my body and compulsion really tried to keep to my commitment in their own subtle way. Somehow, I managed to stay under 500 calories during my binge, which, given that it was all I ate yesterday, still left me in a caloric deficit sufficiently low enough to still encourage the cellular and metabolic benefits of “fasting.”

How? Why? I’ve been pondering this all day. I believe I was asking too much, too fast, and this was my body and mind’s way of letting me know that.

Yet, given the lack of conscious control I displayed last night, I can’t help but believe that they don’t want to stop the fast either. Somehow, by finding that moderation between my extreme ideals and completely giving up subconsciously last night, I now feel more encouraged to continue than ever!

Image: Facebook

Redefining Success… Again

I can see now just how much my ego wanted to be calling the shots for my fast. It created an almost impossible regimen, probably to trap me in failure and give me a reason to return to feeling sorry for myself. Well, not this time.

I’m adjusting my regimen accordingly, allowing for some watered down bone broth when I feel overwhelmed by detox symptoms. I may find other supplementation as well, but I am still beginning every day fasting and will not be exceeding the 500 calorie mark for the remainder of my water fast (the juices I will start consuming on Tuesday will bring me out of this extreme fasted state, and I will continue supplementing as needed but without calorie restrictions).

The point of this process isn’t to prove myself perfect at fasting, it’s to learn and discover things about myself. Therefore, last night’s “mistake” has been just as essential to this experience as any other one will be.

Image: Wake Up World

Extending My New Conceptions of Moderation

This experience actually helped me to release attachments of my ego in another respect as well. I have been trying to abstain from making purchases of “things” since October 2019 but have found myself breaking that commitment to buy presents for international friends at Christmas time and now considering purchases as I will be exploring alternative housing options in the second half of 2020.

I will be taking my cats and living as a nomad from my van for at least 3 months, traveling through many western states and even British Columbia – so I ordered pet IDs and Passports for both my cats. I also bought a bike and am looking at a trailer/stroller combo for my cats so that they can accompany me when I leave the van too. Despite these things becoming necessary as upcoming changes in my life have become apparent, I have felt incredibly guilty too (oh ego, can’t you just leave me be! I’M TRYING).

This recent experience has helped me to cement a growing suspicion I’ve had lately: it’s not about buying nothing, it’s about buying the right things. That’s why I bought a bike: I love riding but have never owned my own bike as an adult, I also believe it is one of the most efficient modes of personal transportation, and essentially it’s a purchase that will bring me enjoyment, improve my quality of life and expand my sustainable independence.

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Learning, Adapting and Growing in Love

The peice of my personal New Year’s Divination in which I was told what would help me achieve my goals this year is making more and more sense: “balance and moderation.” I have always been an extremist, and it’s always fed my ego’s proclivity to self-sabotage. Well, not any more.

Sure, I’m me – I will probably never stop trying to challenge myself – but, I’m starting to realize that doesn’t always have to include extremes. I can still learn from this fast, even with a more practical regimen. I can still be a mindful consumer and make smart purchases.

What’s important is that my goals are actually benefiting me. Adhering strictly to extreme ideals might be appropriate for a professional athlete who sacrifices their body for their sport, but I’m seeking an optimal and masterful lifestyle for myself. Which I’m beginning to find also means I am seeking a more balanced and moderate lifestyle.

Image: http://www.awakening-intuition.com

Accepting My Own Grace and Appreciation

I just finished sipping a cup of warm broth. I have a slight detox headache but have managed to subdue the light-headedness I had as a result of trying to do too much today. I’m feeling silly about it, but appreciative that I am committed to providing myself with what I need – even if my ego has to step aside.

I’m sure I will find new ways to make mistakes on this fasting journey, but I am determined to offer myself grace again and again in order to continue and overcome. After all, there really is no ultimate that I am trying to achieve. Optimization and mastery are never ending – they are a way of succeeding as well as a way of failing.

In these ways, I’m finally learning to trust myself at 31 years old. Yes, I have traumas to heal, bad habits to overcome and good ones to create, but I’m also an incredible soul, mind and body that have chosen to align for the betterment of this world. I can’t do everything, but I can do the work of healing and use it to encourage others by sharing what I learn. And you know what? I think I’m happy to be just that, that I am.

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Blessed be darlings! May you all offer yourselves the grace to find balance in your own lives as well.

I just watched a news segment about a retiree who volunteers to take naps with cats at his local shelter. He’s become a sensation and has helped raise over 100k for the shelter by becoming a viral sensation. All by taking naps with kitties. All without trying.

This is the type of thing the universe keeps showing me lately, ways in which things work out, just because. I’m still mulling over my “rest and relax” commission from the Divine for 2020, but little signs like Mr. Cat Nap help.

Image: Facebook

Can I Really Succeed without Trying?

I once wrote a poem with the lines: “you cannot fail if the goal is failing / you also cannot succeed -” and I’m reminded of that feeling now. Stepping outside of the playbook and the game altogether, not breaking “rules” because I don’t recognize any…

The memory contained in that poem feels dangerous – but not this feeling, not now – this is different… This isn’t rebellion, it’s acceptance.

I won’t succeed. I won’t do anything. It’s not about me.

I won’t fail either though, because it isn’t a competition and I have nothing to lose. I’m not gambling, I’m reveling. The Divine something beyond the logical choice, the closest description possibly optimal…

Not as Simple as Doing Nothing

The irony of it all is, it’s not like the most restorative, relaxing, healing and meditative life contains nothing. I still have to live, caring for myself and my loved ones, expressing the curiosity and creativity of my soul, enjoying and trusting in the Divine…

I’ve had trouble with procrastination my entire life, yet now, as I am commissioned to rest and relax – I find myself delightfully stimulated. Strangely, for many of the things I’ve struggled to maintain enthusiasm for in the past.

I’m talking to more of my friends, reaching out and opening up. I’m cooking with more enthusiasm and care. I’m sleeping better. I have more energy and clarity. I’m excited about life and feeling grateful organically.

Things are still getting done. I haven’t been suddenly overcome with inherent laziness and entitlement… It’s almost as if all of the pressure I was putting on myself was the most taxing element in my life – and without it everything is just running better

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Nurturing the Courage to Believe

I’m only a few days in, but so far this radically daring faith I’ve been called to is having cascading rebalancing effects throughout my entire life. The calm is palpable, the peace is tangible, the joy is consuming – and I am grateful.

I’m so excited to have no idea what’s next. I cannot wait for the next big turn or twist! I feel as though I’m already flying – the Divine the invisible force on which I rise – soaring on the currents and gusts with trust that my wings were designed to dance with these trappings of air…

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I am sick. I’ve been sleeping most of the weekend, feeling unlike myself as cold and flu medicine circulates in my bloodstream. My fever broke but I still smell salty-sweet from my sweating. I’m wearing my shirt inside out for some reason…

My face is broken out and my eyes are glazed with that lost look of sickness. By all measures, I am not exactly desirable right now. Yet here I am, feeling totally, completely and fantastically loved.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I haven’t always felt this way though, even when at my best. There have been countless times when I was well, fit and primed, yet still felt rejected, undesirable and unloved. It took me over 3 decades to discover what was available to me all along: love starts with ourselves.

See, back then – 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago – I was more concerned with what was “wrong” with me than anything else. Everything was a potential weapon I could use against enemy number one: myself. Of course I was the problem and if I could just look right, act right and be better everything would change.

Well, everything did change, but it’s not because I found some perfectly “right” way of being. I simply allowed myself to start paying attention to more than my fear and pain. I started to appreciate the love in my life instead of justify my rejection of it.

Coming Back to the Truth

I never needed to work out every day to be loved, but I tried to use my own self-worth against me to manipulate myself into doing just that. I never needed to push myself beyond my own boundaries to be loved, but I would sacrifice my integrity for any small semblance of external approval anyway. I never had to lose myself and become what everyone was told to want, but I was too busy listening to the chatter of desperation to tune into my own heart.

I had it all along, I was always loved, but I couldn’t accept it. I was never good enough, never deserving, and my life became a distorted version of who I thought people wanted me to be rather than the expression of my own unique divine existence. I had rejected myself, and from that place I couldn’t accept anyone else either.

The turn around came when I broke through rock bottom and found it was me running things with pitchfork in hand down there. I had to decide if I would keep feeding my inner hatred and disease or if I would endeavor to rise above, so I started climbing out from the pit of my own dispare.

Starting at the Bottom

It wasn’t easy; reclaiming my life would require sacrifice and strength. I would meet challenge after challenge, most from within, my thoughts and emotions seemingly at war with my intention. I had spent decades grooming myself into a victim and undoing all that conditioning is time consuming, and painful.

I wanted to become “the person I could respect most” in this world, and though I have always enjoyed personal development, I started to pursue my actual enlightenment for the first time. That was just over 3 years ago.

Making the Climb

Since making a commitment to authenticity in the summer of 2016, my entire life has changed, and that has included my understanding of love. What I was chasing for all those years was approval, not love. What I deprived of myself of in attempts to try and get approval, that was love.

It started with me, I was the one who decided that not being approved of meant I was unloved. I was the one who denied myself my own affection and care in order to try and manipulate myself into becoming something I wasn’t. And it has to be me who undoes all the damage too.

I am sure I will be continuing to deconstruct, heal and integrate what I’ve learned about loving myself throughout the remainder of my life. I find it absolutely vital that the time it takes does not matter though. I cannot allow myself to create new conditions for my own acceptance and love again, even if they “evolve” with me to sound desirable to my new world views.

Becoming Aware and Appreciating the Journey

You see, love isn’t a destination but a way of traveling. There is no prescription of behavior or belief that makes you more or less deserving of love, but what you believe about love will color every aspect of your entire life.

When I didn’t love myself, I didn’t love anyone else, and I couldn’t accept any love for myself from others either. Love was to be earned and well, no one is worthy.

But that’s just it. True love is a blessing that extends beyond justification and deserving. By opening myself to the grace and beauty of love’s power, I was able to overcome my own limitations as well.

Taking in all the Majesty and Splendor

I am still making this climb, I am still undoing the damage I did when I was desperate to force myself to be “ideal.” I don’t know how long this journey will take, and I don’t care. It’s all great now.

Here I am, feeling gross and undesirable, knowing I am loved. I have opened up and as a result my life has become filled with love.

I had over 150 messages on my phone to catch up on from this weekend – all from encouraging, inspiring and loving people I am blessed to know, from all over the globe. I have a generous and loving family, I’m close with my sisters, my mom, and my grandmother. I get to be a part of things I am passionate about and am no longer afraid to make people uncomfortable or be unliked.

I don’t need everyone’s approval anymore because I have my own. No, I’m not perfect, but I’m also no longer suffering the delusion that I should be either. I am better than perfect, I’m real.

Every Vista an Achievement

I’m not sure that there is a top to this climb, but there are innumerable views along the way. Wouldn’t it be sad to miss everything in a desperate scramble to summit?

That’s what I was doing for the majority of my life, more concerned with achievement than living. I never stopped to admire the speckled inclusions in my sensitivities or marvel at the expanse of my mind, I had been missing out on the immense passions of my heart for even the smallest of delights.

Now? I am enchanted, each moment a blessing. It doesn’t matter how well I do at something because I’m already proud of myself for trying. I no longer try to manipulate myself and my Self is very grateful.

It is in this way I feel I already have everything I could ever want. True richness comes in perspective and true wealth emerges from gratitude. No matter what my life holds, it will be blessed because I bless myself and others. No matter the challenges I may face, I will rejoice because the outcomes are less important than what can be learned.

I wish this freedom and joy for each of you. If you have been denying yourself your own love, decide to stop manipulating and do the work of repairing your heart. You have the power.

“Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.”

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

Blessed be my beloveds!