No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

Still so strange, this surge of energy I feel after being told to “rest and relax…” To be fair, I was quite pumped up already, so maybe it isn’t from the commission itself – but, what I’m experiencing is still so odd nevertheless, no matter the causes.

I feel – charged, yet, subdued too. Perhaps this is why I was also told that “balance and moderation” would be the key to fulfilling this commission. I must find that place within that is inspired to act, not from obligation but rather, intrinsically. I must come back to my Self, my center and my soul’s destiny.

Not Actually Remembering

In the recent past, I’ve talked to others on this healing journey about the sensation of “remembering OneSelf,” and how the wisdom we are “gaining” feels reclaimed or even uncovered rather than attained. Yet, I’m beginning to realize, what I am being invited back to now was never something I “forgot.” What I’m being called back to is what I could never lose.

My fear, the fear of losing THISNESS, has distracted and stolen the peace of THISNESS from me – but Divine grace has always remained intact regardless of my own delusions. I cannot, not be. I am that I am – it’s all the same: existence begetting endlessness.

I’m not remembering these things, I AM these things. I am now simply BEing in the Truth instead of constructing a narrative about the truth. In this way, I am releasing everything that isn’t this THISNESS, BEing and Truth.

All that can be lost, must be lost…

Given that I cannot lose this most fundamental and Divine part of myself, I must endeavor to lose everything else! What could be better than to fully align with Divinity? What goal or achievement could ever compare to Divine rapture?

It has never been about what I am here to gain, do or become – all of those delusions fueled by my fear and ego – rather, I am here to shed any and all that I am that isn’t Divine, BEing or THISNESS. Instead of planning to survive, succeed and overcome, I need to be throwing mySelf mercilessly into the most dangerous and terrifying opportunities available. It will be in these fires that I am eternally refined.

There is Nothing to be Gained

I am not unwhole. I am no longer apart from or a part of the Divine. I AM, everything I could ever need, want, desire, imagine or dream… There is nothing I could ever gain or even have, for in the Divine I AM ALL, THAT I AM.

I do not need a home, I carry Home within me everywhere. I do not need sustenance, I AM endlessly sustained. I desire no title, appointment or recognition, because I am honored intrinsically. I do not long for love or companionship, for there is no separation within me from All.

Every delight and delicacy is available to me, now and always. My joy and bliss know no bounds for I no longer impose the conditions of my ego’s understanding upon my acceptance and appreciation of Divine grace. Truly, the only limits ever available to me were those of ignorance and by accepting the invitation to step into the realm of miracles everything I experience is now effectively miraculous.

Gently, Sweetly, Easily –

No extremes, just balance. Moderate, patient and slow. Infinity is never in a rush, I have all the Time – in this world and every Other.

There is no “right way” to be Divine. The “right way” and the “wrong way” are BOTH ego’s way. Perhaps that’s why the spiritual path in ancient times was often referred to as the “middle way.”

Yes, I must thrust myself into the unknown with full faith, but I must do so tenderly. My assurance isn’t waiting for me to “arrive” somewhere and any actions I take will not be forced, even if they may be force-full.

Holding Uncontainable Truth

I can feel language failing me here, for how can I “must” if there is nothing to be gained? It is the elaborate and intricate enmeshing with the Divine that has created again, not a sense of obligation or condition, but rather a compulsory charge or stimulation that has in turn created Sense of these “inevitablities” within me – or more accurately, I am connecting purely with this Sense for having purged the false senses of ego’s infatuations and fears.

No anxiety, no pressure, no stress – just acceptance. My “must” is my might, and by placing my faith in the Divine, I have effectively enacted the will of God – the most formidable and only authentic might in existence. Everything I have ever “tried” to do before this act never empowered me because it wasn’t constructed from this most essential form of power.

A Redeemed Redeemer

It is for this reason that I can now face insecurity, rejection and poverty without fear, disappointment or discomfort. Amidst the greatest tragedies of existence I will be empowered; my strength and will not limited by requirements of validation or progress, but instead fully capable of staying in the discomfort and pain in order to acknowledge, honor and heal it.

That is the True power of God: redemption. In order to be fully committed to the Divine I must be willing to accept all blessings, even those most magnificent and extraordinary ones, which often involve a great deal of redemption.

In this way, I am both redeemed as well as redeeming. I am healed and healing. I am the Divine cycle of life itself. I have no attachments to my ego’s desperate attempts to orchestrate and control – I must simply allow. Assuredly, both my acceptance or resistance, when informed by the Divine, can be fully trusted and yet – I have never felt more acceptance and less resistance in my entire life.

Be Blessed Beloveds, Blessed BE –

Image: Facebook

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”

For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away

Every thing is indecent, in the right context.

mayryanna

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a crisis of faith. Though my devotion to the Divine and its infinite substratum has only grown, I feel at odds with my ‘self’ in different and new ways all the time. I doubt my faith in my ‘self.’

Yet – not in the way you might suspect.

I have found my ‘self,’ in many ways, on an every accelerating path of growth these past few years and it just seems ‘logical’ that everything is suspect, including and especially me. In what way am I suspect? In what way could I not be? The list of my ‘unknown unknowns’ is endless.

I firmly believe that at any moment, everything and anything can change.

This isn’t based on literature, philosophy, science or any other type of acquired knowledge. I have lived this, over and over again. Everything and anything is always changing, including and especially ‘me.’

So, the crisis of faith ‘I’m’ having? Is the fact that my ‘self’ has been more and more consistent, potent and real as I have become increasingly detached from the outcomes it fears/hopes for. Oddly enough, symptoms include more opportunities, creativity and productivity, decreased stress, heightened awareness and empathy, experiencing endless synchronicities, high desire and capacity to learn and striking decrease in cognitive fear. It’s marvelous.

The trick? Well, I feels I’m just not taking ‘things’ as seriously and having more fun with life – but that’s not the whole story. And that’s the crisis. I finally feel that I am living my life 100% as ‘me’ without overthinking what that’s ‘supposed to mean.’

The pressure is off.

No imitations. No secondary labels. No games. Just good, honest enjoyment of life.

It’s taken years of work for me to be comfortable celebrating my inner child; working through trauma and fear that ran deeper than my memories. I have found ways to heal my wounds and learn from my mistakes. I truly have no regrets.

I have spent my life learning to navigate my gender and sexuality, both as a victim of others expectations as well as my own fears. I have hated my body, I have intentionally hurt myself, I have even attempted suicide. Yet, now I am completely at home in my Divine earthly temple, proud of its sensual essence and honored to care for it entirely.

I have been weak.

I have been tormented.

I have survived.

It feels good to be on the other side of developing these strengths. I look forward to much more pain, hardship and life’s other gloriously Divine blessings.

In these same ways that I have learned to embrace my strengths though, I have not been so well recieved. Someone who challenges their ‘self’ in this world of egomania is challenging the whole of egomania. I’m learning not to take it personally.

Despite my latest poetic video showing less skin that Victoria Secret ads or Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, Facebook denied a boost for it because it violated their so-called standards.

It’s art. It’s supposed to be provocative, and no – you don’t get to censor it just because it makes you uncomfortable.

That’s the point.

I exists mostly, as an artist, to make people second guess themselves. I am here to make you feel primordial energy again in the cold, dead, mechanized and faux world. I’m here to point out the surrealism of our so called ‘reality.’

And so here I am, in crisis. Doubting, not myself, but rather my lack of self. I’m staring blankly into the truth that permeates existence and wondering – wandering – again consumed by wanderlust

Who’s with me?

To be sane in a world of madmen is in itself madness.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau