I stopped looking 
and found you

Beneath forgotten
back behind my fear

You were waiting
for me to see you

Patiently ignored 
singing silent songs

I tried desperately 
not to hear you

Fixated on my loss
determining distance

I was afraid to feel
and created a sepsis

Denial of my love
circulating my pain

Ever deeper, digging
even bigger, growing

Until I had to be blind
even deafening myself 

Turning cold, draining
all enjoyment from life

And still, you remained
ever present in my denial

Until today, when gave up
I let myself be, entirely –

And there you were
waiting for my return

It stung to feel you again
after so long running

I collapsed into your arms
losing all strength and pride

It hurt, the gravity
I had been falling up

Such a long way
to come back down

To come back in
to find the truth

Settling into the gaping –
the harsh realities of life

My grief for having lost
for not being able to hold

yet being held in it
I found it was love

Tears fell from my eyes
into your subtle ether –

You smiled, I cried harder
weeping for the chasm

Realizing I pushed you
but you never left me

I was afraid of this
the cost of true love

The mourning that came
watching you struggle

The grief of separateness
exaggerated by death

Yet, here and now
in this beautiful surrender

Reminded of your wonder –
how could I forsake you?

You are worth the pain
Loving you is worth the grief

I cannot have you in my arms 
so I’ll adore you from afar

I’ll find you in my days
in the miracles and majesty

I’ll find you in my nights
comforted by memories 

In the unseeking way
of brilliant synchronicity

I welcome all of you
every joy and every pain

Thank you for your being
Thank you for your going 

Thank you for reminding me
of just how deep love is

I think about writing a lot
I call it incubating but
I heard that somewhere 

A lot of what I think is borrowed
I fear I don’t know what I know
Yet, that also thrills me 

My life is simply a string of
unknowings and discovery
A ride – my hands up in air

It’s better this way – open 
Even if I fall, I’ll greet death
Arms wide, wearing a smile

You see, I don’t just want to be
I don’t want to do or have
I don’t even want to say

I want to animate and enliven
I want to write philosophies that
read as poetry off salivating tongues

I want to set free, as I have been
Encourage, despite everything 
Finding how to be, working to be it

I’d say I wish I never hurt you
though, I’m at that place again
Where

nothing makes sense, &
I’m at peace –

I can never know what I create
the way anyone else does

I cannot share my own fracture
the way others can

everybody just wants a witness
is anyone paying attention to me?
am I important enough to listen to?
do you believe I’m deserving of love?


walk around with our hands in our pockets
can you spare some validation?

I’d really like some change but I –
there’s no getting my hands out, sorry.


not realizing that they are their own
most volatile, inconsiderate enemy
or
most devoted, beloved, & trusted end

hello, toes.
foot, other foot –
legs…

how quickly one can fall in love
how sweet to know thy beloved’s heart –
     the rhythm
            breadth

the depth of intradesire & vision
I know myself in a way I could never
create for anyone

felt you aching
restraining
holding back
your rythm 
stuttering 
shuffling 
staying hidden


it took pain
to break you
open you to 
what love is
what it means
to sacrifice 
happiness –


for mourning 
but that is
commitment 
gonna feel it
getting realer 
grief is that
other side


the cost of
love – missing
experiencing 
even the void
even the ache
even the stutter
even the brake


all because, oh!
love, the love –
gloriously painful 
achingly beautiful 
eternally devastating 
infinitely generating 
divinely inspired 


center of everything –
what can i withhold 
i offer all, trembling 
take my life
take my truth
take my pain
take my hope


your ways stab
straight to soul
beyond to more
deep to core
and you make 
all life’s having
meaningful 

I found happiness 
at the bottom 
of my darkest 
scariest and
hardest 
resistance –
as soon as I
let go of my
fear and expectations 


Drowning in bliss
doesn’t always 
feel all that
pleasant 
but the pain
makes resilient 
my most broken –


Healing in
to bloom
forever
dying just
to grow again 


here
I AM
now


i am 


now
I AM
here


Again to grow
just to die
always
crumbling 
diffusing out –


Brilliance of most
tranquil suffering 
but the joy
difficult –
thinking all
and every way
killing potential highs


Goals and potentialities 
sneakily influence 
if I don’t watch
my mischief –
easiest 
purest and
most beloved
at the center
of what can never be lost