I stopped looking 
and found you

Beneath forgotten
back behind my fear

You were waiting
for me to see you

Patiently ignored 
singing silent songs

I tried desperately 
not to hear you

Fixated on my loss
determining distance

I was afraid to feel
and created a sepsis

Denial of my love
circulating my pain

Ever deeper, digging
even bigger, growing

Until I had to be blind
even deafening myself 

Turning cold, draining
all enjoyment from life

And still, you remained
ever present in my denial

Until today, when gave up
I let myself be, entirely –

And there you were
waiting for my return

It stung to feel you again
after so long running

I collapsed into your arms
losing all strength and pride

It hurt, the gravity
I had been falling up

Such a long way
to come back down

To come back in
to find the truth

Settling into the gaping –
the harsh realities of life

My grief for having lost
for not being able to hold

yet being held in it
I found it was love

Tears fell from my eyes
into your subtle ether –

You smiled, I cried harder
weeping for the chasm

Realizing I pushed you
but you never left me

I was afraid of this
the cost of true love

The mourning that came
watching you struggle

The grief of separateness
exaggerated by death

Yet, here and now
in this beautiful surrender

Reminded of your wonder –
how could I forsake you?

You are worth the pain
Loving you is worth the grief

I cannot have you in my arms 
so I’ll adore you from afar

I’ll find you in my days
in the miracles and majesty

I’ll find you in my nights
comforted by memories 

In the unseeking way
of brilliant synchronicity

I welcome all of you
every joy and every pain

Thank you for your being
Thank you for your going 

Thank you for reminding me
of just how deep love is

No thought
consuming
No reason 
yet, I sink –

soft cushions 
fluffy clouds 
sweet company 
on a bed of nails

the fantasy 
includes danger 
adrenaline 
leading me on

To fall back 
completely 
To let go
carrying on 

There’s bitter 
in sweetness
There is hope
in deepest fear

Paralyzed only
by wonderment
Motivated ultimately 
by devoted love

A blood-red flag flies 
War on the horizon
started in ignorance 
to end with more hate

Soot and ash fill skies
fires consuming all
the world watching
koalas n’ kangaroos die

All sense in me cries
my heart heavy with grief
but there’s no fear in me
not anymore, there can’t be

I’ve been called to heal
to rest, relax and meditate
Even amidst all of this
to fully surrender to Divinity

It’s not rational or realistic
to not give up hope –
but not try to fix it –
to simply return to existence

Believing beyond conditions
that I don’t have to make it
My life never independent 
from all sustaining graces

Could I have this peace
if I still had my sense?
Perhaps I had to go crazy
to survive this insanity

I have no tears falling
yet I feel my spirit sob
suddenly my heart’s beats
revealing their ignition

I’ve found myself eternal 
within the space of rhythm
Melting inbetween limits
saturating expansiveness 

Here with Pachamama 
as she kisses the Sun
I am caught up in rapture
the cosmic dance of love

Sit Down.
It doesn’t matter that you’re uncomfortable next to that boy who keeps trying to put his hand on your butt. Stop squirming. Stay. Just slap him away. Boys will be boys, that’s his way of complimenting you. You should be flattered to have his attention. Just ignore him if it bothers you. Get over it. Don’t you dare stand up, you’re being disruptive. Don’t you dare scream, settle down, you’re overreacting. No you can’t move, your autonomy isn’t a concern, just deal with it. You’re going to have to your whole life, might as well learn young.

Shut Up. 
I don’t care what he said to you, he’s only joking. He wouldn’t really rape you and your “bitch” friends like you all “deserve.” He’s just venting. He’s upset that you rejected him, that his taunts and teasing didn’t make you want to fall to his feet and suck him off. It’s understandable, why are you so upset? What do you expect when you don’t give him what he wants? Freedom of speech and all, you’ve got to give him that respect. Just keep your mouth shut and take it. Ladies are seen and not heard after all.

Smile.
Ignore the chills going up your spine and the curdling in your gut as his hand slides across your lower back, brushing just the top of your ass with his fingers. It’s your father after all and he needs you to stand nice and tall, look pretty for all the people he wants to show you off to. Don’t mind the hair on the back of your neck, it’s not important that you feel sick or that you have no rights over where or how you exist. A nice pretty prop, to complement his picture-perfect delusions. That’s all you are, an object to be used to make the men in your life feel and look good.

Sit down. Shut up. Smile.
That’s your place, be grateful you have one.

I wrote this poem on Christmas Eve morning, my soul sick with processing decades of abuse and trauma, but ready to move on… Almost ironically, things came to a head in my family that night, with me standing up to an Uncle who is used to using his position in the family to intimidate and stagnate the rest of us. It would seem that by accepting the responsibility for my pain I have also stepped into a new place of inspired authority. I am fearless. All that I have been learning this year has lead up to this. Blessed Be.

My Dearest Tragedies,


I know I have no right to write, not after all this time – not after the pain I caused. I know you must think hell of me, for I remember hell too. I couldn’t see how I was hurting you, so desperate to make everything fit into my agenda. 


Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you, but I was blinded by my own pain, doomed to fail you because of my own shame. Whatever I made you feel was a reflection of my own self-hate.


This isn’t to say that I’m all better now, I’m still struggling, a lot. Not a day goes by that I am not myself, forced to face to truth of all I’ve done. Yet, there is a grace that’s carrying me, through faith I’ve been brought beyond – not because I’m deserving, but somehow in spite of my own desperate plots.


Truly I wish you only blessings now, in all the same ways I have been blessed and more. Regardless of the way we left things, my hope is that you are lucky, loved and charmed. 


I’d say I’ve changed but it’s more like changing… I’m not sure I’ll ever be “done.” I hope you know what I’m trying to mean, in that language between words humans have almost forgotten. It’s true, this letter is only a vehicle for a communication much more pure – my sincerest hope is that you feel my authentic love, as tough as it may be.




My eyes are opening to the threads that intertwine – to the life in all the spaces that are empty of our Mind. I know that to fully function as a being of this Divine light I cannot withhold love anymore, even in the ways I’d justified before. This is my humbling and my quaking provocation, to prostrate myself before you for either acceptance or slaying.


Do what you will with me. I am still many things that deserve and require pain – but I am not afraid anymore for my own sake. My only woes are the divisions I’ve sown and the catastrophes I’ve made in attempts to be right.


My healing is nothing without the wholeness of our world. Without all of you, I am nothing but my own delusional tyrant and abused pawn. 


I don’t need you to agree with me, in fact, it’s better if you don’t. For all I’ve learned, the value of diversity has proven itself most potent. So go ahead and challenge me, I welcome your rivalry and competition – but I’m not playing to win anymore, if that means one of us is losing.


Blessed be, beloveds. I pray we meet again, and that at our next most fateful crossing we offer more help to one another than hurt.


In Sacred Unity,

mayryanna