Did you have a good, reflective and quiet first week of December? I hope you took the opportunity to get to the center of your sovereignty because though this week starts off slow, it will pick up before we know it. In fact, it already is – can you feel it?

In the backgrounds and peripheries, energy is building, competing and challenging. This isn’t the energy of body though, but rather mind and spirit – and these two aspects are dueling, making all of us a bit queasy with the back and forth, up and down, side to side and otherwise constant internal chaos.

What’s Going On

This is all growing in intensity as we approach the Full Moon in Gemini, opposite our Sun in Sagittarius. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. This realm is one of Thought/Mind and governed by the element of Air. It’s this Gemini Full Moon that is encouraging more mental activity, and we may feel that we are understanding things clearly under it’s bright illumination, but it may also cause hyper-analysis and duplicitous thoughts if left unchecked or unguided.

Our Sun in Sagittarius is complicating this as it is amplifying our highest ideals. A Fire Sign ruled by the planet Jupiter, Sag is not an influence that will just hang back and let the Gemini Moon call the shots. This is where that spirit energy start to come into play. Sagittarius is concerned with idealizations as opposed to thoughts; it is seeking the ultimate and loftiest expressions of life.

That doesn’t seem so bad right? Well, it’s not, but it is complicating things for the mental energies that are being stirred up.

Full Moon in Gemini might illuminate some patterns in your life and make you feel better equipped to confront and work with them on a practical level, but the Sun in Sagittarius will shine light on how those patterns then contribute (or don’t) to the ultimate reality and may even completely destabilize everything we “think we know” in some cases. Even though we may be tempted to make decisions, reach understanding and plan the strategic/practical parts of our life this week, we will be sorely disappointed if we don’t remain flexible and open-minded too.

We are still in preparatory, preliminary and prerequisite stages of this month’s power play move on the 26th when we have our Annular Solar Eclipse and the final New Moon of 2019. So despite how tempted you may be to the contrary, work on your patience, resist judgement and explore all possibilities right now. The more you can suspend this dissonance between the mortal mind and the immortal spirit, the better equipped you will be when that time finally comes for you to make your universal declaration of intentions before the coming of the new year.

Divinatory Guidance

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This ancient, intertwining dragons represent the two great strands of wisdom that run through all of us. The first is the spiritual, Source wisdom that animates and sustains all of life throughout time. The second is the physiological wisdom passed down in our DNA, through our ancestral lines.

“They have no names, for they are of the great deep and mysterious and they are unknowable.”

Dragonfae of Rebirth, “Whole again,” Dragonfae Oracle Deck

This card reminds us that many things about our own selves are also unknowable. During this time of conflicting inspiration, when perhaps we may be tempted to avoid the unknown and acquiesce to our fears, be reminded of your own mysteries and take comfort that knowing isn’t essential.

When you are tempted to give the easy answer, fall back on your limited experience or make a snap judgement, challenge that wisdom you know with the wisdom you don’t. What might you be overlooking? How might you be biased? What are those schools of thought/spirit that intimidate and challenge you and why do they affect you that way?

Learning to explore possibilities beyond your own conditioning, experience and preferences will be invaluable to you throughout your life, but it is absolutely essential if you want to get all you can out of this Full Moon. It is not the time to give answers, but to ask questions – and even more so, to question ourselves, our limits and our dreams.

How might your physiological wisdom inform your spirit’s highest ideals, and how might that Source wisdom inspire your mind’s way of understanding? Study both sides, ponder all options and be content to remain undecided for now. We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.

“We are only truly whole when we accept even those parts of ourselves we don’t understand.”

mayryanna

If you are truly torn to the extent of anguish and pain, and feel you simply must choose, I offer you the following advice from the cosmos this week:

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“When I lean toward love I am lead.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

All this life stuff isn’t up to you alone. Rest in the glories of your spirit’s most brilliant vision as you also allow your hard sought experience to give you confidence this week. Save the choosing and sorting for another time and for now, entertain, examine and explore all you can!

Blessed be my beloveds. May your week be filled with expansion and your hearts be comforted by patience.

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”

I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows

I’ve been having trouble keeping up with blogging this week – though I think it’s a side effect of some sort of bigger picture… I’ve been tired, like abnormally, deeply and saturatingly tired. I “feel it in my soul” kinda tired.

I think I know why too. My sister and her husband left to do some visits with their missions supporters, and my exhaustion hit at the exact moment they left the house. My hypothesis is, knowing myself, I have been “on” since I got home from retreat. First it was the stress of making sure my grandmother was recuperating and catching up on things that didn’t get done while I was away, and then once my sister showed up a week later I was thoroughly distracted a d kept busy with family visits an my mom’s birthday. It’s like me to forget myself when I’m focused on being “on” for others.

So when I was finally given some space to collect myself, I found myself spent and utterly exhausted. I’ve been going to bed early, I’ve been waking up late, I’ve been skipping workouts, I’ve been forgetting to blog – and I feel great about all of it.

I don’t have the convenience of simply focusing on my needs all the time, and that’s okay. At this time in my life I get to be more invested in my family and I’m grateful for that. Perhaps one day I’ll have all of my own time to invest in myself, but I’m certainly content that it’s not right now.

Still, that being said, I’m learning to no longer resent myself for needing to go deep on my self-care sometimes – even when that just looks like taking a few steps back and going slower, getting more sleep and relaxing my own standards and expectations for a little while. This alone is a miracle. I’m really quite the expert at being hard on myself.

Even just a year ago, I was beating myself up non-stop for not reaching ridiculous goals I had set for myself. Now, I do still like having ridiculous goals, but I’m much more reasonable and understanding when they need to be adjusted. My flexibility is improving.

I haven’t been fighting this exhaustion because I know that I must feel this way for a reason. If there is a reason for my tiredness, it makes sense to honor it – even if it’s not ideal and is otherwise disrupting my plans. Looking back today, feeling much more rested after a few days of extra sleep, I can see how I haven’t had a break to begin integrating my retreat yet – so of course I’m exhausted!

Apart from all the spiritual, mental and emotional lessons I underwent just a few weeks ago, I also had a very physical experience as well. I felt as though every cell in my body had been upgraded – and that’s going to require an adjustment period!

Coming out of the fog of these past few days, I’m feeling much more capable and thinking much clearer. Where would I be if I hadn’t let myself rest though? Based on past experiences, I know I’d be frustrated and annoyed with myself, and I’d also still be tired instead of looking ahead to starting July feeling fresh and focused.

I’m so grateful that I’m learning how to be better than perfect. I am so thankful that I’m learning to take back my time. I am so appreciative of myself and the difficulties I have undergone in order to make myself stronger, as well as more sensitive.