I woke up this morning at 7:30am and was calm. Much calmer than I had felt all day yesterday, and I dare say, calmer than I’ve felt in a while.

I had 30 more minutes of my dry fasting period before I could drink water and it’s Saturday, so I laid in bed with my snuggling kittens and got caught up on messages. Before I knew it, it was almost 9am and I was being startled back to my own reality when one of my best friends AND my boyfriend both messaged to ask how my first sip was… and I had to admit that I had forgotten all about it!

Reinstated Self-Control

Even when reminded, though the feeling of thirst instantaneously reemerged in my awareness, I remained calm. I didn’t dash straight to the sink and slobber up my refreshment as desperately as I had longed to yesterday – I didn’t even immediately get up! I remained and observed, curious about this new sensation of peace I was unexpectedly experiencing.

When I did get up, it was still in calmness. I kissed each of my kittens, pulled on my White Tiger onesie and brushed my hair, found my favorite water bottle and washed it – contemplated adding lemon as I usually do but then decided to stick with pure, unadulterated H20 before I filled it up… And even then, I didn’t drink. I went and sat down.

When I would finally take my first sip of water, it was already passed 9:30am. I popped the cap on my water bottle and slowly let the cool, refreshing and life giving nectar pour over my parched lips, feeling the sensation of refreshment consuming me as it cascaded down my tongue and into the back of my throat. It felt 100% erotic.

I may never drink water the same, ever again.

Rediscovering Sanctity

Having sacrificed water, even for just a day, has indeed helped me make it sacred. By withholding this most basic necessity for life from myself, I have become more fundamentally aware of my blessings and grateful for everything.

I feel astonishingly in awe of the technology I’m blessed to live with. The fact that this cool, crisp, life-giving nectar is available to me 24/7 at the turn of a nob is exceptionally wonderful. Yes, I have always *known this, but I feel I truly understand the magnitude of this fact’s significance for the first time in my life right now at 31 years old.

Prompt from my Question App today

Three decades is a long time to live without understanding one’s most basic blessings. Three decades is a long time to go without ever truly appreciating the sensual and nourishing qualities of water. It’s taken me my whole life so far, but I’m so glad to have finally gotten HERE.

Moving Forward into Deeper Layers

For now, I am reveling in the bliss and enchantment of simply drinking water, but I am sure to be feeling to the discomforts of abstaining from food in the next few days. There will certainly be many more challenges and discoveries.

I am feeling more confident and resolved than ever though, ready to break through the next challenge and the next. I’m excited for the lessons to come and invigorated by my short term success.

There is certainly a beauty to starting with the hardest challenge – I feel I have the strength to overcome anything now that I have faced my own biological fear of dying from thirst. If my mind can be an observer of my fear and pain in those most desperate moments, what can’t it do? If my heart can remain committed, if my soul will provide the grace – there is truly nothing that can intimidate me anymore.

Image: Facebook

Internal and External Graces

The change isn’t as simple as can be explained. It’s not just the renewed sense of confidence, or even experiencing romantic and sensual layers to the often ignored blessings of life – it’s so much more.

I feel an upwelling of grace. My ability to overcome, blossoming. Stagnation and densities breaking apart, both within myself as well as without…

It feels like magick. And why, my beloveds, would anyone ever choose to settle for less?

Remnants from a personal magick ceremony performed yesterday at the height of the Lunar Eclipse

Blessed be my beloveds! May you all be inspired to challenge your own privileges and conditioning as well.

I feel you
the other side

Velcro tears
you complete me


Reaching
ever longing

My very essence 
beget by yours


Intrinsically folding
leaning or holding

Collapse into me
I dissolve exploding


It’ll never be enough
to have you

I need to want you
desperately fulfilling 


There’s satisfaction 
in this ache

There’s depth here
in this loneliness


What could I miss
if not you

What could I hunger
but your contrast


What fantasy exists
but this endless romance

The ancient One
cosmically dueling 


Spiraling dance of
Divine’s enchantment

No lack of pain
in eternal bliss

I am sick. I’ve been sleeping most of the weekend, feeling unlike myself as cold and flu medicine circulates in my bloodstream. My fever broke but I still smell salty-sweet from my sweating. I’m wearing my shirt inside out for some reason…

My face is broken out and my eyes are glazed with that lost look of sickness. By all measures, I am not exactly desirable right now. Yet here I am, feeling totally, completely and fantastically loved.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I haven’t always felt this way though, even when at my best. There have been countless times when I was well, fit and primed, yet still felt rejected, undesirable and unloved. It took me over 3 decades to discover what was available to me all along: love starts with ourselves.

See, back then – 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago – I was more concerned with what was “wrong” with me than anything else. Everything was a potential weapon I could use against enemy number one: myself. Of course I was the problem and if I could just look right, act right and be better everything would change.

Well, everything did change, but it’s not because I found some perfectly “right” way of being. I simply allowed myself to start paying attention to more than my fear and pain. I started to appreciate the love in my life instead of justify my rejection of it.

Coming Back to the Truth

I never needed to work out every day to be loved, but I tried to use my own self-worth against me to manipulate myself into doing just that. I never needed to push myself beyond my own boundaries to be loved, but I would sacrifice my integrity for any small semblance of external approval anyway. I never had to lose myself and become what everyone was told to want, but I was too busy listening to the chatter of desperation to tune into my own heart.

I had it all along, I was always loved, but I couldn’t accept it. I was never good enough, never deserving, and my life became a distorted version of who I thought people wanted me to be rather than the expression of my own unique divine existence. I had rejected myself, and from that place I couldn’t accept anyone else either.

The turn around came when I broke through rock bottom and found it was me running things with pitchfork in hand down there. I had to decide if I would keep feeding my inner hatred and disease or if I would endeavor to rise above, so I started climbing out from the pit of my own dispare.

Starting at the Bottom

It wasn’t easy; reclaiming my life would require sacrifice and strength. I would meet challenge after challenge, most from within, my thoughts and emotions seemingly at war with my intention. I had spent decades grooming myself into a victim and undoing all that conditioning is time consuming, and painful.

I wanted to become “the person I could respect most” in this world, and though I have always enjoyed personal development, I started to pursue my actual enlightenment for the first time. That was just over 3 years ago.

Making the Climb

Since making a commitment to authenticity in the summer of 2016, my entire life has changed, and that has included my understanding of love. What I was chasing for all those years was approval, not love. What I deprived of myself of in attempts to try and get approval, that was love.

It started with me, I was the one who decided that not being approved of meant I was unloved. I was the one who denied myself my own affection and care in order to try and manipulate myself into becoming something I wasn’t. And it has to be me who undoes all the damage too.

I am sure I will be continuing to deconstruct, heal and integrate what I’ve learned about loving myself throughout the remainder of my life. I find it absolutely vital that the time it takes does not matter though. I cannot allow myself to create new conditions for my own acceptance and love again, even if they “evolve” with me to sound desirable to my new world views.

Becoming Aware and Appreciating the Journey

You see, love isn’t a destination but a way of traveling. There is no prescription of behavior or belief that makes you more or less deserving of love, but what you believe about love will color every aspect of your entire life.

When I didn’t love myself, I didn’t love anyone else, and I couldn’t accept any love for myself from others either. Love was to be earned and well, no one is worthy.

But that’s just it. True love is a blessing that extends beyond justification and deserving. By opening myself to the grace and beauty of love’s power, I was able to overcome my own limitations as well.

Taking in all the Majesty and Splendor

I am still making this climb, I am still undoing the damage I did when I was desperate to force myself to be “ideal.” I don’t know how long this journey will take, and I don’t care. It’s all great now.

Here I am, feeling gross and undesirable, knowing I am loved. I have opened up and as a result my life has become filled with love.

I had over 150 messages on my phone to catch up on from this weekend – all from encouraging, inspiring and loving people I am blessed to know, from all over the globe. I have a generous and loving family, I’m close with my sisters, my mom, and my grandmother. I get to be a part of things I am passionate about and am no longer afraid to make people uncomfortable or be unliked.

I don’t need everyone’s approval anymore because I have my own. No, I’m not perfect, but I’m also no longer suffering the delusion that I should be either. I am better than perfect, I’m real.

Every Vista an Achievement

I’m not sure that there is a top to this climb, but there are innumerable views along the way. Wouldn’t it be sad to miss everything in a desperate scramble to summit?

That’s what I was doing for the majority of my life, more concerned with achievement than living. I never stopped to admire the speckled inclusions in my sensitivities or marvel at the expanse of my mind, I had been missing out on the immense passions of my heart for even the smallest of delights.

Now? I am enchanted, each moment a blessing. It doesn’t matter how well I do at something because I’m already proud of myself for trying. I no longer try to manipulate myself and my Self is very grateful.

It is in this way I feel I already have everything I could ever want. True richness comes in perspective and true wealth emerges from gratitude. No matter what my life holds, it will be blessed because I bless myself and others. No matter the challenges I may face, I will rejoice because the outcomes are less important than what can be learned.

I wish this freedom and joy for each of you. If you have been denying yourself your own love, decide to stop manipulating and do the work of repairing your heart. You have the power.

“Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.”

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

Blessed be my beloveds!

This article was originally written by mayryanna for an online project called Naturally Subversive three years ago.

What does it mean to be fundementally revolutionary? How can this exist safely in a world so properly versed when it inherently represents subtext and innuendo? How does it survive when its very existence is considered an act of violence against the reigning standard?

A Tradition of Lies

We’re all familiar: turn on the television, glance at your smart phone or in a shop window and the “ideal” is readily available to be seen. It looks sleek, it looks put together and successful, it seems desirable (after all people are literally lining up to to try and emulate the latest trends like they’ll never go out of style), but what’s really going on here? Our world isn’t so cookie-cutter-esque when you think about it, at least, not naturally.

The Ugly, Imperfect and Unique Truths

Long before the iPhone or Apple’s crazed die-hard followers, back before even Amazon and Ebay allowed you to get your hands on anything you thought you could want, and even further still to before print media and advertisements, people existed and were found to be desirable, even valuable to one another. But how could this be? We know from being inundated with flashy images and panic inducing FOMO (fear of missing out) that you can’t possible be a worthwhile individual without being in on (read: buying into) the latest trends right!? When we look at modern culture through any lens other than that of lack and consumerism we begin to notice the cracks in it’s meticulously painted frame; could it really be that we’re all just humans trying our best to adapt and survive?

What persists in nature is what ultimately changes and grows to meet evolutionary demand. We’re not alone in the existence stuff, even if we’ve forgotten that as of late, and in reality, life is only possible because of the diversity is boasts. Sure, we like to think we could live without plants or animals (at least we act like it), and we like to think that humans are the greatest thing to ever evolve, but really we’re a bit disillusional. The truth is, we didn’t get this far on our own and we won’t make it much further if we insist on going solo now. How does this relate to the so-called “successes” of our modern age? Well, what good is Steve Jobs without the Apple army? How much business would Amazon and Ebay do without the online shopping addicts? In reality, we’re all involved in a symbiotic relationship with the rest of existence and the choices we make will always contribute to our experiences. So, responsibility being ours, how exactly did we find ourselves in this mess of inauthenticity?

Taking Back Our True Value

This is what being Naturally Subversive is all about, remembering our own innate revolutionary power. It’s about looking at an advertisement of a whole bunch of different individuals who’ve been blacked out and seeing that the shiny little device they’re holding and dancing around with is what’s truly invaluable. Those people had to be muted because they have individual power, they are unique, they have stories to tell even if they never say a word. Those devices however? They’ll be replaced in 6 months and there will be a new advertising campaign geared directly at making people feel once again somehow “less than” without this new “totally improved” and totally replaceable device. Are you starting to see the cracks yet?

Being a revolutionary is as much about defending yourself and your own value as it is defending the value of truth. In order to subvert the norm, you have to have a confidence and strength that too many are just too manipulated to see. I know because I was one of these indoctrinated people. I was indoctrinated by my father, made to believe that his authority and truth were somehow more worthy and valuable than my own. I was indoctrinated by Christianity, made to believe that my behaviors could make me more or less valuable. I was indoctrinated by America, made to believe that I wasn’t worthy unless I was proud of this country I call home. I was indoctrinated by society, made to believe that a degree and a job would finally make me feel the fulfillment that had always slipped out of my unworthy reach. I had to find out the hard way that I was very, very wrong.

Embracing Rebellion

If your story is anything like mine, than the idea of being rebellious and going against tradition is tied up in ideas of shame, guilt and “sin.” It is not easy to stand up for yourself, but that doesn’t make it wrong. My personal journey has been ongoing my entire life, and the vast majority of it I’ve been “loosing;” believing the lies, convinced that I just need “this or that” to finally be happy. The steps I had to take pushed back each and every time, but the desire for more, the desire for true and free living kept me going. Along the way I made choices, some “good” and others “bad,” but over time I stopped classifying and began to understand that any “ideal” is an illusion itself. The past is ours to build from and the future ours to build towards, but all we really have is the present moment. I was sacrificing my moments for the sake of meeting standards I didn’t create for myself or understand, and by doing so I was sacrificing my own value for these illusions.  It wasn’t until I started taking back my time that things really started to change.

Defending your time is a violent act in our current society where “time is money” and money is god. Still, after asserting myself and taking back the time I spent (and paid big bucks for) at university and learning to govern my own education, I had become addicted. After college, I managed to land a great job with office, benefits and perks, but – I’d already tasted the freedom and I couldn’t ignore the calling I felt deep within to GO! So, I left. I took back not just a day or two a week but ALL OF IT. I had less than 1500$ to my name and no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn’t stay there and just play along any more; I had a sneaking suspicion that I was worth more.

I’d love to tell you that as soon as I left my job everything came together and life just made sense, but that’s not how it works. Instead, there I was, newly divorced, unemployed and soon enough “homeless.” I had gone from being the friend all my college peers were envious of to the girl everyone talked about to the tune of “she lost her marbles.” Yet, I was happier than I had ever been. Somehow, even though there was no “magic solution” that made everything possible, I made it through each and every month and not only could I pay my bills, I was delighted to find that I was spending less and less money. Rent was now gone, utilities were also gone, I sold my car and got rid of insurance payments and before I knew it I had managed to get myself down to exactly 0$ in monthly bills. I lived with friends and family, depending on where and when I was needed, and somehow by focusing on contributing to the lives of people I cared about, my needs were also met. Minimalism became important for survival and I was no longer forcing myself to fit into modes of productivity and worth that required endless buy-ins and one-ups. I eventually even gave up my phone network, learning new ways to utilize my devices without having a tethered leash. I was finally happy, and I was as poor as I’ve ever been.

Defending Your Inherent Value

In a world that’s constantly telling you how you’re not good enough, what you don’t have and how you’re failing, being confident in your own value and worth is a revolutionary act. It won’t be easy and people who are still hedging their bets on the matrix will tell you again and again that you are wrong, but you won’t care anymore because you’ll be able to see yourself clearly for once: as a valuable and worthy human being. Of course,  this also changes the way you see everyone else, especially those who are still miserable slaves to the system. Instead of the pride and ego attained by “doing everything right” and “playing by the rules,” you’ll have intrinsic confidence that overflows into compassion because you no longer feel like your success is dependent or could be threatened by anyone else. You’ll stop asking permission and start taking chances. You’ll find the ways you never new existed but always felt must be possible – you will change your whole life, and that my friend will change the entire world.

I found happiness 
at the bottom 
of my darkest 
scariest and
hardest 
resistance –
as soon as I
let go of my
fear and expectations 


Drowning in bliss
doesn’t always 
feel all that
pleasant 
but the pain
makes resilient 
my most broken –


Healing in
to bloom
forever
dying just
to grow again 


here
I AM
now


i am 


now
I AM
here


Again to grow
just to die
always
crumbling 
diffusing out –


Brilliance of most
tranquil suffering 
but the joy
difficult –
thinking all
and every way
killing potential highs


Goals and potentialities 
sneakily influence 
if I don’t watch
my mischief –
easiest 
purest and
most beloved
at the center
of what can never be lost