I woke up this morning at 7:30am and was calm. Much calmer than I had felt all day yesterday, and I dare say, calmer than I’ve felt in a while.

I had 30 more minutes of my dry fasting period before I could drink water and it’s Saturday, so I laid in bed with my snuggling kittens and got caught up on messages. Before I knew it, it was almost 9am and I was being startled back to my own reality when one of my best friends AND my boyfriend both messaged to ask how my first sip was… and I had to admit that I had forgotten all about it!

Reinstated Self-Control

Even when reminded, though the feeling of thirst instantaneously reemerged in my awareness, I remained calm. I didn’t dash straight to the sink and slobber up my refreshment as desperately as I had longed to yesterday – I didn’t even immediately get up! I remained and observed, curious about this new sensation of peace I was unexpectedly experiencing.

When I did get up, it was still in calmness. I kissed each of my kittens, pulled on my White Tiger onesie and brushed my hair, found my favorite water bottle and washed it – contemplated adding lemon as I usually do but then decided to stick with pure, unadulterated H20 before I filled it up… And even then, I didn’t drink. I went and sat down.

When I would finally take my first sip of water, it was already passed 9:30am. I popped the cap on my water bottle and slowly let the cool, refreshing and life giving nectar pour over my parched lips, feeling the sensation of refreshment consuming me as it cascaded down my tongue and into the back of my throat. It felt 100% erotic.

I may never drink water the same, ever again.

Rediscovering Sanctity

Having sacrificed water, even for just a day, has indeed helped me make it sacred. By withholding this most basic necessity for life from myself, I have become more fundamentally aware of my blessings and grateful for everything.

I feel astonishingly in awe of the technology I’m blessed to live with. The fact that this cool, crisp, life-giving nectar is available to me 24/7 at the turn of a nob is exceptionally wonderful. Yes, I have always *known this, but I feel I truly understand the magnitude of this fact’s significance for the first time in my life right now at 31 years old.

Prompt from my Question App today

Three decades is a long time to live without understanding one’s most basic blessings. Three decades is a long time to go without ever truly appreciating the sensual and nourishing qualities of water. It’s taken me my whole life so far, but I’m so glad to have finally gotten HERE.

Moving Forward into Deeper Layers

For now, I am reveling in the bliss and enchantment of simply drinking water, but I am sure to be feeling to the discomforts of abstaining from food in the next few days. There will certainly be many more challenges and discoveries.

I am feeling more confident and resolved than ever though, ready to break through the next challenge and the next. I’m excited for the lessons to come and invigorated by my short term success.

There is certainly a beauty to starting with the hardest challenge – I feel I have the strength to overcome anything now that I have faced my own biological fear of dying from thirst. If my mind can be an observer of my fear and pain in those most desperate moments, what can’t it do? If my heart can remain committed, if my soul will provide the grace – there is truly nothing that can intimidate me anymore.

Image: Facebook

Internal and External Graces

The change isn’t as simple as can be explained. It’s not just the renewed sense of confidence, or even experiencing romantic and sensual layers to the often ignored blessings of life – it’s so much more.

I feel an upwelling of grace. My ability to overcome, blossoming. Stagnation and densities breaking apart, both within myself as well as without…

It feels like magick. And why, my beloveds, would anyone ever choose to settle for less?

Remnants from a personal magick ceremony performed yesterday at the height of the Lunar Eclipse

Blessed be my beloveds! May you all be inspired to challenge your own privileges and conditioning as well.

I wish I could check my privilege at the door

It wraps around my neck just like a scarf

It protects me against the cold, frigid truth –

but I really wish I could take it off sometimes

Underneath I feel there is relating, sharing life

Underneath I know there is hope, beyond me –

I can feel the raw fragility of my identity failing

Somehow, down deeper, I am free to truly Be

I am grateful – so many don’t have this cusion

I appreciate and cherish the embellishments

I drink in so fully I become saturated in bliss –

but without shared abundance, joy is limited

Along with the scarf that chokes back tears

I have a heavy coat, it shields me from fear –

emotional baggage, collected from my past

Now, I can boldly face the harshest extremes

Underneath I am weighed down, hot & sticky

Underneath I am exhausted from the wearing

I can feel the child in me wailing, so very tired –

somehow, without baggage, I can be truly free

Still grateful – many don’t know these lessons

I appreciate & cherish the things I’ve learned

I accept, not broken but forged by the sorrows

With vulnerable openness, my hope is assured

If I peel off the layers I’ve so carefully acquired

what will my naked heart be forced to see?

If I give up the burdens I so faithfully labor for

what will my exposed soul let others see?

What’s real is that I am blessed beyond my own knowing, not having to fight the battles so many others do –

What’s real is that I am jaded beyond other’s understanding, they never had to survive the things that I’ve been through –

Still somehow, despite all separations and limitations, the boundary lines blur and blend

Yet someway, despite the indoctrination and hesitation, we all find ways to heal and mend

For these reasons, in spite of my own blind selfishness and ignorance, I am thankful –

For these reasons, in spite of my own healing woundedness and shame, I am grateful –

Reality isn’t about perfection, but acceptance

So I’ll keep trying. I’ll continue to look for ways to untie, unbutton and remove my subjectivity

to share in other’s pain & let them share mine 

I will stand up against suffocating promises, + tortuous memories that try to steal my hopes

I will fight against the choking restrictions of my indifference, all without sacrificing bliss

So what if I am not who I wish to be – who am I to be anything anyway?

It is better to be grateful than to be sure; gratitude will always bless me, even when

I am wrong –