I feel crazed. I’m anxious and unsettled. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I am only 10 hours into a 32-hour dry fast and everything I thought I knew is now being questioned. My fight/flight response has activated and I feel fidgety. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up and my skin feels like it’s crawling. One thing is clear: I do not like this.

Image: beautifullyrawbelle

Dancing with Death… Again

I’m not entirely new to these sensations, though I’ve only ever experienced this extreme bodily anxiety for the briefest moments before. The earliest examples my mind can find are memories of falling, but the most clarifying experiences with this horrifying and overwhelming body-takeover have happened more recently – in Kundalini.

Kundalini yoga involves a lot of prescriptive breath work, including holding both the inhalations as well as the exhalations at times. Most people have held a big breath in, especially if they’ve ever swam, but personally I had never even tried to hold my breath out until prompted in Kundalini. It isn’t something you soon forget.

Panic, anxiety and the desperation to survive all swell up inside you immediately and you realize that you are dying. The first few times I tried, I was helpless to withstand my body’s automatic responses, gasping dramatically after the briefest moments.

“Why?! WHY? Why are you doing this?! BREATHE! LIVE! YOU MUST SURVIVE!”

But, after breaking through fear for just a moment longer, pushing beyond that automatic response – the peace and bliss that fills your being is indescribable. Overcoming the fear of death, even for the shortest time, is remarkably invigorating and strengthening. I can only imagine how restorative a full day of consciously ignoring my fear-response will be…

Beginning with the Hardest Challenge

A dry fast is not something to be taken lightly. Abstaining from water can kill you in just days and it is commonly the opposite of what’s recommended by health professionals. So why am I dancing with death in this way?

This is all just the start of a 21 day fast. I will conclude my dry fast at 8am tomorrow, beginning a 3-day water fast until 8am Tuesday. Starting Tuesday morning, I will finish out the remaining 17 of the full 21 days with fresh juices.

I am prepared to supplement with nut milks and bone broth should the need arise, but I will be abstaining from solid foods for the entire three weeks. Though, arguably not entirely restful, fasting is restorative. Perhaps others would find feasting relaxing, and I have before myself – but right now, I want to relax on a deeper, metabolic and cellular level.

Image: Facebook

I’ve been pondering these seemingly foreign concepts for over a week now and I’m realizing that so much of the difficulties in my life are caused by not really, truly just resting and relaxing. I have had disordered evening binging tendencies my entire life, and I’m now seeing for the first time it was never about the food. These kinds of realizations came not as a result of fasting today, I haven’t had any major breakthroughs and am mostly hangry, but they are what lead me to this course of action.

I’m diving in, beyond my fear response, to find out who I am beneath all the comforts and conveniences I have been accustomed to my entire life. If it isn’t the food I am looking for while grazing in the evening or otherwise over-consuming, what is it I’m truly craving?

Enabling Prolonged Endurance

Regardless of the fact that I have been called to do a three week fast, I am also still trying to learn how to apply the Divine commission to “rest, relax, heal and meditate.” So, how does one do a difficult, uncomfortable thing in a relaxing way?

Enter the episodic fast! I begin by facing the fear response caused by my dry tongue today and by tomorrow, water will taste like nectar from the goddesses! I’ve actually already been fantasizing about drinking water in the morning…

By Tuesday? Fresh juices will not only taste Divine, they will be gratefully received by a body that has reprioritized the quality and necessity of each nutrient. I imagine the feeling of nourishment and vitality sure to rush through my veins with the first sip will be sublime.

I can already imagine the involuntary sensuality of reexperiencing the sensations and tastes of each bite in my mouth when I do finally chew food again. Mindful eating will be automatic, no longer just something else I “have to try to do.” I will have reclaimed food for myself entirely.

Image: Heart Centered Rebalancing

Committing to the Process

That’s why I’m doing this – because I LOVE food. I do not however, love, like or even enjoy feeling enslaved, crazed and controlled by it.

Eating everything I can in secret like a starved and abused animal is not what I want for myself and my relationship with food anymore. I don’t want to feel ashamed and confused about my love for food ever again. Food is a great comfort, but only if it’s being adequately appreciated – otherwise it’s just another distraction from the truth.

I don’t know what I am going to find on this journey. I have already wanted to quit a half dozen times today and almost “messed up” by force of bad habits a few times too. I have felt desperate, sad, angry, frustrated, tired, lonely and irritable off and on all day and yet, I’m grateful.

Even having the opportunity to choose to fast means I have an abundance of food I can abstain from. When I almost “messed up,” I really caught myself making excuses to break my commitment and was forced to accept the complexities of my conditioning. Feeling angry, sad and tired has given me some perspective about other times I have felt similarly and reminded me of the intensity of emotions a lack of basic necessities can lead to…

I’m already learning so much, just 18 hours in. This is why I’ve stopped myself from chewing gum or going to bed early too – the lessons are in the discomfort.

Image: Facebook

Settling in for Restorative Healing

Now, just because I’m doing the hard things doesn’t mean I am punishing myself. Quite the opposite. In ways, eating excessively without pleasure or necessity because of a fear of discomfort was much more punishing.

Image: Facebook

I heard a definition of Sacrifice this week that resonates: “to make sacred.” That’s precisely what I’m doing with water and food right now. I am sacrificing these things so that I can make these things sacred to myself.

That’s why I can salivate at the thought of a drop of water today and yet last night, no amount of snacking was satisfying at all. I am learning to truly appreciate my blessings – as they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Still, despite not wallowing in the potential misery of my situation, I am making allowances for some appropriate considerations. I am not exerting myself; I’m abstaining from caffeine, supplements and other stimulants; I am moving slower, being gentler with myself and others – noticing, listening and observing more. It’s all quite relaxing actually.

I just watched a news segment about a retiree who volunteers to take naps with cats at his local shelter. He’s become a sensation and has helped raise over 100k for the shelter by becoming a viral sensation. All by taking naps with kitties. All without trying.

This is the type of thing the universe keeps showing me lately, ways in which things work out, just because. I’m still mulling over my “rest and relax” commission from the Divine for 2020, but little signs like Mr. Cat Nap help.

Image: Facebook

Can I Really Succeed without Trying?

I once wrote a poem with the lines: “you cannot fail if the goal is failing / you also cannot succeed -” and I’m reminded of that feeling now. Stepping outside of the playbook and the game altogether, not breaking “rules” because I don’t recognize any…

The memory contained in that poem feels dangerous – but not this feeling, not now – this is different… This isn’t rebellion, it’s acceptance.

I won’t succeed. I won’t do anything. It’s not about me.

I won’t fail either though, because it isn’t a competition and I have nothing to lose. I’m not gambling, I’m reveling. The Divine something beyond the logical choice, the closest description possibly optimal…

Not as Simple as Doing Nothing

The irony of it all is, it’s not like the most restorative, relaxing, healing and meditative life contains nothing. I still have to live, caring for myself and my loved ones, expressing the curiosity and creativity of my soul, enjoying and trusting in the Divine…

I’ve had trouble with procrastination my entire life, yet now, as I am commissioned to rest and relax – I find myself delightfully stimulated. Strangely, for many of the things I’ve struggled to maintain enthusiasm for in the past.

I’m talking to more of my friends, reaching out and opening up. I’m cooking with more enthusiasm and care. I’m sleeping better. I have more energy and clarity. I’m excited about life and feeling grateful organically.

Things are still getting done. I haven’t been suddenly overcome with inherent laziness and entitlement… It’s almost as if all of the pressure I was putting on myself was the most taxing element in my life – and without it everything is just running better

Image: Facebook

Nurturing the Courage to Believe

I’m only a few days in, but so far this radically daring faith I’ve been called to is having cascading rebalancing effects throughout my entire life. The calm is palpable, the peace is tangible, the joy is consuming – and I am grateful.

I’m so excited to have no idea what’s next. I cannot wait for the next big turn or twist! I feel as though I’m already flying – the Divine the invisible force on which I rise – soaring on the currents and gusts with trust that my wings were designed to dance with these trappings of air…

Image: Facebook

“Rest.” That’s what the Universe told me last night as I did a personal Tarot reading for 2020.

After looking at the Astrology and casting cards for each of the 12 months I was feeling as fired up as ever, ready to take on what was surely going to be another epic year. “Rest, relax, heal and meditate -” that’s what’s expected of me this year, and not only that.

What I can expect from the Divine? “Obstacles being removed, the path made clear and blessings abundantly given.”

Now, I thought I had faith and when I first saw the messages coming through it felt as though my whole body lightened. Today though I’ve begun to realize the actuality of this call – I have to learn how to rest and relax.

Healing? Got that, do more plant medicine and Kundalini – check! Meditation? Sweet! Sadhana, mantra, walking… Bring it on! But rest? Like, when? Or – how? For how long? Relax? Like, at a spa?

So far it’s been interesting, and at times I’ve been at a loss as to how to integrate this – but I’m beginning to see a pattern emerge in the commission: trust. I need to relinquish my sense of control and simply allow the Spirit to move through me, trusting that whatever need be will be.

So – more on all that soon I’m sure. For now though, rest. Real, sleep-rest at that!

my heart is a garden

bursting with blooms

shining emerald brilliance

buds, petals and blossoms 

rejoicing in their cool

milky-pink rose quartz glow

fairies and fae folk 

dancing and singing

round an endless fountain 

love abundant, pouring

from the endless depths 

of my eternal soul