I woke up this morning at 7:30am and was calm. Much calmer than I had felt all day yesterday, and I dare say, calmer than I’ve felt in a while.

I had 30 more minutes of my dry fasting period before I could drink water and it’s Saturday, so I laid in bed with my snuggling kittens and got caught up on messages. Before I knew it, it was almost 9am and I was being startled back to my own reality when one of my best friends AND my boyfriend both messaged to ask how my first sip was… and I had to admit that I had forgotten all about it!

Reinstated Self-Control

Even when reminded, though the feeling of thirst instantaneously reemerged in my awareness, I remained calm. I didn’t dash straight to the sink and slobber up my refreshment as desperately as I had longed to yesterday – I didn’t even immediately get up! I remained and observed, curious about this new sensation of peace I was unexpectedly experiencing.

When I did get up, it was still in calmness. I kissed each of my kittens, pulled on my White Tiger onesie and brushed my hair, found my favorite water bottle and washed it – contemplated adding lemon as I usually do but then decided to stick with pure, unadulterated H20 before I filled it up… And even then, I didn’t drink. I went and sat down.

When I would finally take my first sip of water, it was already passed 9:30am. I popped the cap on my water bottle and slowly let the cool, refreshing and life giving nectar pour over my parched lips, feeling the sensation of refreshment consuming me as it cascaded down my tongue and into the back of my throat. It felt 100% erotic.

I may never drink water the same, ever again.

Rediscovering Sanctity

Having sacrificed water, even for just a day, has indeed helped me make it sacred. By withholding this most basic necessity for life from myself, I have become more fundamentally aware of my blessings and grateful for everything.

I feel astonishingly in awe of the technology I’m blessed to live with. The fact that this cool, crisp, life-giving nectar is available to me 24/7 at the turn of a nob is exceptionally wonderful. Yes, I have always *known this, but I feel I truly understand the magnitude of this fact’s significance for the first time in my life right now at 31 years old.

Prompt from my Question App today

Three decades is a long time to live without understanding one’s most basic blessings. Three decades is a long time to go without ever truly appreciating the sensual and nourishing qualities of water. It’s taken me my whole life so far, but I’m so glad to have finally gotten HERE.

Moving Forward into Deeper Layers

For now, I am reveling in the bliss and enchantment of simply drinking water, but I am sure to be feeling to the discomforts of abstaining from food in the next few days. There will certainly be many more challenges and discoveries.

I am feeling more confident and resolved than ever though, ready to break through the next challenge and the next. I’m excited for the lessons to come and invigorated by my short term success.

There is certainly a beauty to starting with the hardest challenge – I feel I have the strength to overcome anything now that I have faced my own biological fear of dying from thirst. If my mind can be an observer of my fear and pain in those most desperate moments, what can’t it do? If my heart can remain committed, if my soul will provide the grace – there is truly nothing that can intimidate me anymore.

Image: Facebook

Internal and External Graces

The change isn’t as simple as can be explained. It’s not just the renewed sense of confidence, or even experiencing romantic and sensual layers to the often ignored blessings of life – it’s so much more.

I feel an upwelling of grace. My ability to overcome, blossoming. Stagnation and densities breaking apart, both within myself as well as without…

It feels like magick. And why, my beloveds, would anyone ever choose to settle for less?

Remnants from a personal magick ceremony performed yesterday at the height of the Lunar Eclipse

Blessed be my beloveds! May you all be inspired to challenge your own privileges and conditioning as well.

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”

December starts off quietly as compared to the frantically full energies of both November and October. Everything feels delightfully slower and we are tempted to succumb to a sleepy tiredness during this brief reprieve.

Still, there is a persistent knowing, nagging at our lulled minds: Christmas as just 3-weeks away! There is so much to do and who will do it if not us?

An Enchanting Situation

Perhaps we cannot ignore the expectations, but we are being invited to further enchant our experiences all the same:

Magick, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

“To have magick in our lives is to remember it is real, profound and sacred.”

Magick, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

Perhaps it’s tempting to read the above statement with “magick” as the “real, profound and sacred” “it,” but I’d like to invite you to read it with “life” in that place instead.

Magick is nothing more than the recognition of the miraculous in all that is. Magick is merely the allowance for the divine workings of the cosmos. It bends and breaks no natural or universal law, but is in fact The Natural and Universal Law.

Invite magick into your moments this week. In stillness, appreciate the rich nourishment of solitude and silence. In excitment, take note of as many glorious reminders of life’s charms as possible.

You don’t need an ideal situation or environment, your life is magick. It can be as enchanting and fulfilling as you allow it to be. Dare to explore the intoxicating wonders that await your senses, should you simply decide to. In this way, even doing less can add all the more to your life.

Kindling Our Hearths

Fire Dragon, Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

Another Orange Dragon appears to us, and much like the one that came through in our Monthly Divination, this Fire Dragon gives us tidings of community warmth this holiday season. In addition to the social curatives, this Fire Dragon brings additional blessings for us personally as well though.

Fire is the element of passion and creativity. It is powerful and active. Among its energies of manifestation, it also has the potential for destruction.

Allow this fire dragon to give you motivation and strength, but do not let your passions get out of hand. Use this refining and purifying potential intentionally in order to burn away the obstacles in the way of the magick you hope to create this coming new year. If you did the Sovereignty Ceremony for the New Moon last month, you can imagine burning up your “Spoiled” qualities as fuel for the passion behind your “Sovereign” qualities.

Utilizing this energy to burn up our resistance and fear, we allow ourselves to be transformed. Fuelling our hearths (hearts) spaces with these powerful flames, we are creating a warm and inviting place for our beloveds to gather in safety and love. There is no place for fear and rejection when we keep the fires of Truth and Love burning.

Preparing for Advancement

Empowerment, Wisdom of the Crone Deck

With all the excitement of a child, full of belief in every possibility, and all the wisdom of our most ancient guides, scarred by many lifetimes, we can embrace all that is this week and be empowered. Our value is inherent in our being, not in our doing.

We can all become more potent in our joy, and more contagious in our love, if only perhaps we readjust our standards and expectations. Allow the slowing of this week and new month to infect you, find new ways to appreciate and encourage the enchantment of the season. Show up for other people more than you shop, and take more time for yourself than you do for obligation.

Decide what self-empowerment means to you. Look for the ways “success” might be robbing your life of its magick. Burn away the spoiling and fuel your true sovereignty.

Rediscover the ways in which you are the authority in your own life and the blessings in the lives of others. ‘Tis the season to both accept our limitations as well as celebrate our opportunities, so let’s try and do a bit of both this week – it may be quiet, but it can still be purposeful.

Today’s Channel

Beads of sweat, more than brimming – threatening, taunting, dripping into our eyes. We’re at the starting gate, chomping at the bit, yet held back by forces we don’t fully comprehend. Our whole being feels propelled forward yet we are physically stuck.

Minds racing, hearts pounding – heat pooling at our cores, threatening eruption. Freedom and purpose beckoning us from just beyond our limitations. “If only!” We cry, begging with destiny for the mercy to break out of our constraints and experience the fulfillment of these aching passions.

“Patience Beloveds.”

We are asked yet again to wait, but more even – we are asked to transform our waiting. We are being asked to develop our resilience, our steadfastness, our power and strength. We are not being tested, we are being transformed.

The opportunity of the archer lies not in the moment of the arrows flight, but in the calm and subtle positioning of their posture before they ever take the shot. It is that time now. We must take notice of our state, our your challenges and discomforts, our anxiety and anxious longing – we can take note of everything right now and adjust it all according to the trajectory of our targets.

Let everything be shaken loose by our passions. Let all priorities be sorted by our unapologetic truth. Become the nobel sovereigns, taking full responsibility for our lives and our goals, enabling ourselves with gratitude and authenticity.

“This moment is as precious as any. Savor your opportunities to survey and strategize. Indulge fully in the experience of your befores, for they all too soon become your afters…”

Heavenly Movements

Mars opposite Uranus has all of us feeling irritable, anxious and annoyed. We want to do, we want to go, we want to accomplish – yet, all our efforts seem stifled, and to make it worse, we are the ones getting in our own way.

We keep reexamining, reconsidering, rehashing – we’ve learned so much in these past 5 months, but for the life of us we can’t put our finger on any of it. We feel disturbed, disrupted and even somewhat defeated. What a place to be! Both charged and subdued.

This is further aggravated by Neptune’s eminent turn direct tomorrow. We’ve been stewing in our own emotional, idealistic and passionate juices since July and we’ve had enough. Like a kettle slowly coming to a boil on the stove, we want to express ourselves loudly!

So what’s holding us back? In addition to its opposition to Mars, Uranus is also conjunct Venus, in her cardinal sign of Taurus. Not only is our action being opposed by ingenuity and change, but the very stability and foundations of our world are entertaining revolution and regeneration as well. Everything is up in the air right now, so we have no where to move forward from.

That is, unless we create it for ourselves, and that is exactly the power play move available to us today.

A Sovereignty Ritual

Get out a peice of paper and create two columns, titled “Spoiled” and “Sovereign” at the top. Now, tap in to yourself. Feel deeply into this moment, right now. Don’t force any thoughts, feelings or expectations – just sit.

Once you’ve found a place of calm within yourself, begin to write: anything you desire that resonates with either column should be placed there. The “Spoiled” column representing things that you desire purely from an egoic, fear or pleasure based standpoint. The “Sovereign” column representing the longing of your soul, your gifts/callings and the things that you feel a grateful responsibility towards.

No judgements, just discernment; place things out of authenticity rather than “rightness.” Some things in my columns will be opposite to how others place their associations, and that’s how it should be; our differences are our ticket to freedom.

Write for as long as necessary. Delve into every facet and faction of your life; leave no stone unturned. When you are done, read and reflect. Reexamine each and every association for traces of cross contamination from perceived egoic “rightness” and adjust as necessary until you are sure the lists are accurate and true.

Now it is time to make intentions. Are the things in your “Spoiled” column things you can willingly sacrifice for the benefit of the things in your “Sovereign” column? Why it why not? If it makes you uncomfortable or brings you pain, examine why, without judgement. Explore this idea for as long as feels productive and focus on developing a plan for what limitations you will be sacrificing as well as for what corresponding opportunities.

You do not need to sacrifice/adopt everything on your lists and can return to do this exercise again and again as you like. Look for patterns and groupings and choose one type of corresponding behaviors to focus on for now. Once you have your selection, grab two more pieces of paper and this time write a letter to both your Spoiled self and your Sovereign self.

Include what you are letting go of and why. Offer thanks and appreciation for all of the experiences and reasons you have kept these things with you, acknowledging their place in your life before relinquishing your attachment to them.

Detail what you will be nurturing in yourself and how your sacrifices will support your Sovereign intentions. Remain grateful and humble, trying to present everything objectively and clearly. Redefine the relationships you have with these parts of yourself, intentionally, with the precision of a master archer taking aim.

Once finished, you will burn the list and the two letters (please do so safely/responsibly). Starting with the lists, then the Spoiled letter and finally the Sovereign letter. This last act energetically releases your intentions to the Cosmos and seals the ritual as complete.

You may also bury the writings if you wish. With the fire element you will be adding the masculine/activation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Mars archetype at play), whereas by burying them you will be adding the feminine/incubation energy to your intentions (appealing to the Venusian vibes). Ask yourself about the urgency of your requests, you may even feel called to burn one and bury another – follow your intention’s prompting here.

The Essential

Regardless of whether you do the entire ritual above, take some time today to set intentions. This is a powerful and potent opportunity that will have cascading effects throughout the next year.

Where do you want to be and how are you going to get there? What’s holding you back and how soon can you let go of those constraints? What truth exists in you, that when fully expressed creates unlimited self-admiration and respect, and how can you express that truth more and more?

Blessed be my dears, may you have the courage to do the hard and honest things, today and every day!

Welcome to the last week of November 2019! As we approach the final month of the year, the skies sure are alight with movement:

In the Stars

On Monday the 25th, Jupiter is finishing his jaunt across the Galactic Center and is posing some questions to our deepest knowing; what is our purpose when we get beyond the ego? How might the hard choices be the more fulfilling ones? Is getting everything we want really what we need?

This probing query serves to get us ready to launch our truly authentic and tested intentions out into the cosmos on Tuesday, with the help of the New Moon in Sagittarius. Be sure to take full advantage of this opportunity in order to set yourself up for a windfall of intuitive and passionate energy as Neptune turns direct on Wednesday!

We’ll be enjoying (or at least riding) this flow into Thanksgiving and our weekend’s sure to be filled with tender, heart-filled moments – that is if we can ease into this new, more expressively emotive energy. Coming out of this inner, personally reflective time might have some of us feeling raw and vulnerable tough, so take it easy on yourself and others. You will have time to integrate and express, for now just enjoy your loved ones and allow the holiday cheer to lift you up rather than drag you down.

The Call

“Look around your world and see where you have confused the fulfillment of desire with the role of sovereign… and take up the mantel of that role in your life now.”

The Sovereign, Oracle of the Dragonfae Deck
The Sovereign (Gentle power), Oracle of the Dragonfae Deck

The Cosmos is taking no prisoners this week, and our divinatory reading is agreeing with the stars: we all have to fight for our very lives! No, it isn’t death of the body at stake, but rather the death of the spirit OR the death of the ego. No longer can we serve two masters: we must choose.

Jupiter crossing through the Galactic Center has allowed us to glimpse beyond our perceived limitations and Neptune’s retrograde journey has forced us to get up close and personal with our own hearts, but now is the time to make a decision. How are we going to apply all that we’ve learned?

Will we keep playing small, feeling sorry for ourselves, making excuses and playing into ego’s vain and purposeless games? Or will we make the hard choices, face our resistance and do the difficult things our very spirits dared to take a chance at existence for?

“Open-hearted we must be, sovereign to ourselves, loving unto ourselves and full of the knowledge that we already have more than enough.”

The Sovereign, Oracle of the Dragonfae Deck

We have been lied to. Again and again we have been told that objects, ideals, status and achievements are more important and valuable than ourselves, our spirits, even our very souls… This has created a sepsis of energy density and decay and we simply must stop the spread of this “wanting/wasting disease.”

We must take back our own personal sense of responsibility. Take back our ability to control our actions and limit our desires. Take back our Divine sovereignty and stop participating in the puppetry of our minds, bodies and emotions.

We must each decide, within our own sovereignty, to become the person we can respect most and then yes, even endeavor to overcome all the challenges of distractions, desires and difficulties that get in the way of becoming that person. Fulfillment arises through development of strength, fostering good habits and contributing our own blessings to the world. This is why no amount of stuff or achievements will ever satisfy – we’re not just here to get, we’re here to give too.

“Feel your own soft majesty. Feel your power, now, and express it through living in integrity. Be responsible, beginning now and incrementally taking the vibratory level up gently each day for your world.”

The Sovereign, Oracle of the Dragonfae Deck

and the Answer

“Discernment empowers you to make choices that are aligned with your spiritual intentions.”

Sound the Fierce Flute, Kuan Yin Oracle Deck
Sound the Fierce Flute, Kuan Yin Oracle Deck

We respond to the call of our highest self with discernment. This doesn’t mean judgement, but rather a gentle awareness.

We can discern that a relationship isn’t right for us because that person’s priorities are different than our own without making a judgement about that person or their priorities. Discernment is about acting authentically, from a place of assurance within our own self-aware truth, whereas judgement is trying to have that type of authority over something external to us.

Judgement is often a power move of the ego, an attempt to protect the feeble “rightness” of our own choices by vilifying those with different motivations or ideas. Discernment however, needs no one to be “wrong,” it’s simply an acknowledgement of what the truth is. When we act in truth, we are organically and naturally empowered.

“If you wish to grow spiritually through love, joy, peace and abundance, then discerning between higher and lower vibrational choices is helpful.”

Sound the Fierce Flute, Kuan Yin Oracle Deck

This is where we begin to have real, potent and powerful effects in our lives. This is what gives us the ability to manifest and quantum jump.

At any given time, there are an infinite number of lives available for us to live. Our choices gradually make some options and opportunities more or less viable and likely to occur. In this way, having discernment allows us to gradually create the supports and foundations that encourage and promote the types of futures that feel most authentic to us, whilst also furthering ourselves from the outcomes our souls do not long to manifest.

“This Oracle has come to you because you are in need of seeing a situation in your life from your heart rather than from appearances.”

Sound the Fierce Flute, Kuan Yin Oracle Deck

NOW is the time for us to be discerning! As this New Moon approaches, how will we be using our new emotional and visionary energy to progress from here? Are we going to take this cosmically charged opportunity to make a conscious and authentic quantum leap into the possibility and potentially of our own unique spirits?

This week, we can make these newly purified, raw and authentic revelations even more powerful and potent. We can feel them in the depths of our hearts and souls without fear! We can all dare to allow our truth to spill forth in all of its vulnerable glory, and present it with humble awe to the majesty and care of the Divine.

“Don’t be afraid to trust your own vision, beloved, it will help you live your truths and take good care of your own Soul.”

Sound the Fierce Flute, Kuan Yin Oracle Deck

May we all embrace our enlightenment a little more this week. May we all step into our sovereign responsibilities with humble discernment, and be blessed with the awesome fulfillment of doing the hard things. Blessed Be!