I woke up this morning at 7:30am and was calm. Much calmer than I had felt all day yesterday, and I dare say, calmer than I’ve felt in a while.

I had 30 more minutes of my dry fasting period before I could drink water and it’s Saturday, so I laid in bed with my snuggling kittens and got caught up on messages. Before I knew it, it was almost 9am and I was being startled back to my own reality when one of my best friends AND my boyfriend both messaged to ask how my first sip was… and I had to admit that I had forgotten all about it!

Reinstated Self-Control

Even when reminded, though the feeling of thirst instantaneously reemerged in my awareness, I remained calm. I didn’t dash straight to the sink and slobber up my refreshment as desperately as I had longed to yesterday – I didn’t even immediately get up! I remained and observed, curious about this new sensation of peace I was unexpectedly experiencing.

When I did get up, it was still in calmness. I kissed each of my kittens, pulled on my White Tiger onesie and brushed my hair, found my favorite water bottle and washed it – contemplated adding lemon as I usually do but then decided to stick with pure, unadulterated H20 before I filled it up… And even then, I didn’t drink. I went and sat down.

When I would finally take my first sip of water, it was already passed 9:30am. I popped the cap on my water bottle and slowly let the cool, refreshing and life giving nectar pour over my parched lips, feeling the sensation of refreshment consuming me as it cascaded down my tongue and into the back of my throat. It felt 100% erotic.

I may never drink water the same, ever again.

Rediscovering Sanctity

Having sacrificed water, even for just a day, has indeed helped me make it sacred. By withholding this most basic necessity for life from myself, I have become more fundamentally aware of my blessings and grateful for everything.

I feel astonishingly in awe of the technology I’m blessed to live with. The fact that this cool, crisp, life-giving nectar is available to me 24/7 at the turn of a nob is exceptionally wonderful. Yes, I have always *known this, but I feel I truly understand the magnitude of this fact’s significance for the first time in my life right now at 31 years old.

Prompt from my Question App today

Three decades is a long time to live without understanding one’s most basic blessings. Three decades is a long time to go without ever truly appreciating the sensual and nourishing qualities of water. It’s taken me my whole life so far, but I’m so glad to have finally gotten HERE.

Moving Forward into Deeper Layers

For now, I am reveling in the bliss and enchantment of simply drinking water, but I am sure to be feeling to the discomforts of abstaining from food in the next few days. There will certainly be many more challenges and discoveries.

I am feeling more confident and resolved than ever though, ready to break through the next challenge and the next. I’m excited for the lessons to come and invigorated by my short term success.

There is certainly a beauty to starting with the hardest challenge – I feel I have the strength to overcome anything now that I have faced my own biological fear of dying from thirst. If my mind can be an observer of my fear and pain in those most desperate moments, what can’t it do? If my heart can remain committed, if my soul will provide the grace – there is truly nothing that can intimidate me anymore.

Image: Facebook

Internal and External Graces

The change isn’t as simple as can be explained. It’s not just the renewed sense of confidence, or even experiencing romantic and sensual layers to the often ignored blessings of life – it’s so much more.

I feel an upwelling of grace. My ability to overcome, blossoming. Stagnation and densities breaking apart, both within myself as well as without…

It feels like magick. And why, my beloveds, would anyone ever choose to settle for less?

Remnants from a personal magick ceremony performed yesterday at the height of the Lunar Eclipse

Blessed be my beloveds! May you all be inspired to challenge your own privileges and conditioning as well.

Coming into our last full week of 2019, the big event is sure to be the Annular Solar Eclipse and New Moon on the 26th. In many ways, we have been preparing for this all fall.

Now that winter is officially here, all of the reflections and considerations of these past few months are coming to a head. The time for deciding what meaning it will make is now.

Designing Destiny

Indeed, we are the meaning makers. No matter what has transpired, whether traditionally deemed “good” or “bad,” meaning is never fixed until/unless we decide it is.

This is why we all appreciate a good underdog story. When someone chooses to defy the odds and create powerful meaning in their lives, it reminds us of what is possible.

The true value of humanity is in our curiosity and creativity. Through ingenuity and diversity we are problem solvers and progress backers, it’s in our very nature. We are in a way, multipliers.

We take our experience and create data or understanding from it, providing feedback through our reactions, like user-testers of a quantum cosmic program. Our feedback influences the program, whether we are conscious of it or not, and there are far reaching reverberations of those effects throughout all of humanity.

The Nihilistic Paradox

I wrote a poem by that name in September, channeling and foreshadowing the work our spirits would be coming through this fall, even before the Equinox. Now here we are, being asked frankly: what will we make of our lives?

This week we are being challenged to consider our own creative power, and as you will see, much of it is in the smallest details. It’s really not so much about what happens to us as it is how we make meaning of what happens to us:

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“Obstacles are detours in the right direction.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

Things haven’t been easy, so what? Is that what you’re really here for, an easy life? Do you truly believe that in an unjust world you are deserving of favor or fairness and ease?

We have to pull ourselves up out of our self-pity, and with a foundation of self-love and personal responsibility, we have to take back our world. It’s not fair, it’s not fun, it’s not easy, but the alternative is that we’re content being a bunch of whiney, manipulative and spoiled brats who sit around complaining about how we got the wrong flavor of ice cream instead of being grateful we got fucking icecream at all (this goes out to all my privileged, first-world homies).

What do we want to be remembered for and how are we creating THAT in our world? We are the meaning makers, without us doing our jobs and reclaiming our power, yes – life is meaningless.

Remembering Our Strength

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

We reclaim power over what is or has been through our ability to make meaning, but we actually reclaim power over our future by releasing control over potential outcomes. Still with me?

See, this world has it backwards, trying to make meaning of futures before they have them, creating attachments and expectations, we’re all just setting ourselves up for disappointment after disappointment. We know that we cannot control what happens to us, and that it’s all meaningless until we manufacture meaning for ourselves, but we must also consider what can happen when we are projecting our power rather than applying it.

Sure, fantasizing about the future is fun. Our imaginations can run wild, unencumbered by the realities and conditions of the past and present – but we don’t make meaning in these ways. We can actually even drain the potential meaning from our reality by investing our energy into impossibilities.

This second card is asking us to suspend our projections of meaning on the future and instead place our faith back in the divine, knowing no matter what transpires we have still been given the ability to make whatever meaning from it we dare. That is true trust in the magnificence of an omnipotent creator, believing in our own fate, standing strong on our path, ready to face whatever might lay ahead without preference for “easy,” “comfortable” or even “fair.”

We must remember the strength of the Divine in us when we pray, and beg not to be spared, like unworthy outcasts, but rather offer ourselves fully to the path set out before us. We can be honored and take pleasure in whatever danger and difficulties may be ahead, knowing it is all testament to our Divine strength within.

Choosing Blessing

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

“I find a deeper meaning and personal growth amid the discomfort.”

From The Universe Has Your Back Deck

We are only as strong as we let ourselves be. Whether we believe we can or we cannot, we are right.

It may be tempting to blame all our problems on things we cannot control, but that renders us powerless. We can live lives that are meaningless, we can sacrifice ourselves to the complaints and discomforts of being eternal victims, we can find as many excuses and justifications as we so desire. Or we can decide to be more.

As we approach this monumental day of intention, may we all remember our true power. May we all choose blessing in our lives and release our attachments to curses. Blessed Be Beloveds!

BONUS: the cosmos is just being funny now! Loved the succinct wrap up of this week’s Divination in this fortune though:

My life as a poet started in the woods when I was a child. I would wander in solitude through the rocks and trees, singing songs to the Divine. I still enjoy the natural lyricism of my heart and this is my most recent inspiration of song.

Take it all
or leave it

At my feet
defeated

It’s over now
I’m heaving

Won’t be put out
to catch feelings

*shhh*

Strip me down
to nothing

Leave me bare 
and broken

Still I rise
from ashes

Like a Phoenix 
I’m transforming 

*sstzz*

Take control 
or fake it

In your mind
I’m crazy

Still I laugh
not playing

Dangerous games
rigged against me

*shhh*

Strip me bare
to naked 

Shaming me
for hatred 

Condemned now
I’m fated

Purifying
the fire scorching

*sstzz*

You can try and try again 
to break my spirit and do me in
Still I will always rise to stand
undefeated, ruling command 
You cannot take more than I am
boundless magnificence within –
Strip me, strip me, strip me
I have no beginning and no end –

(begin choir chorus repetition in background)
*Aho!*

You can try and try again
to break my spirit and do me in
Still I will always rise to stand
undefeated, ruling command
You cannot take more than I am
boundless magnificence within
Strip me, strip me, strip me
I have no beginning and no end –

(Lyrics to begin at second chorus repetition and repeated twice, growing in power)

Strip me down
to nothing

leave me bare
and broken

still I rise
from ashes

Like a Phoenix
I’m transforming

*sstzz*

(final chorus sung with 3rd choir repetition)
*Aho!*

You can try and try again
to break my spirit and do me in
Still I will always rise to stand
undefeated, ruling command
You cannot take more than I am
boundless magnificence within
Strip me, strip me, strip me
I have no beginning and no end –

(Choir hushes for repetition of last line, trailing out and slowing down)

Strip me, strip me, strip me
I have no beginning and no end –

Never really alone
shadows haunting
His shape shifting
through my head
Distorted smiles
laughs turned maniacal
Memories flickering
of a life now dead
A love once believed
lies broken into pieces
My innocence drowned
in a burning lake of fire
Hopes once sacrificed
brilliance distorted by fear
Truth couldn’t die
though mangled by Lier
Despite the chains
in spite of the darkness
Without resentment
love was regenerated
Peice by peice
layer by layer
I rebuilt my heart
my future created

I don’t talk to my dad, at all. We’ve been officially estranged for over 4 years now.

It wasn’t always like this. Granted, my dad and I never had an easy, comforting or reassuring relationship, but there was a time when I thought the world of him. He’s my dad after all.

Perhaps every little girl has those moments of seeing the whole world in their daddy’s eyes – at least, I have the memory of wanting too. I wanted the relationship he and my “naturally slender” sister had; to sit on his lap, cuddle up and eat treats at night with him… but, I was one of the chubby daughters which meant no food after dinner for me, and subsequently no bonding on the couch either.

Dad worked all the time as an entrepreneur, and that meant high stress, which he in turn took out on us at home. Of course, no parent is perfect, and even despite his anger issues and overinflated ego, I maintained a relationship with him well into my adult life.

The Point of No Return

I actually credit my ex husband with helping to first start distancing me from my father’s suffocating dogma and attempts to control. Still, it wasn’t until one of my sisters came forward with sexual abuse allegations that I started to see my difficulties with my father in totally different light.

Maybe this is why every therapist I’ve ever seen has wanted me to undergo memory regression therapy, telling me I have an abnormally high amount of my childhood “blocked out.” Maybe this is why I trained myself to wake up at the sound of my father’s footsteps even when I could otherwise sleep through a foghorn. Maybe this is why my guts tie themselves in knots at the mere mention if my father’s name and my skin feels like it’s trying to shrink back into my body at the thought of him being near me…

Did I want to believe it? Hell no. No one wants to think about their parent as that kind of monster.

At first, I simply stuck by my truth. I didn’t remember anything.

But of course, it’s not that simple… Here’s an excerpt from peice of writing about the night my sister confronted me about not fully believing her, 5-6 years ago:

The last time I went out with — she cussed me out for not protecting her from dad when we were little.
I would have stopped my heartbeat if I thought it would’ve helped me remember –
She asked me how I didn’t hear it – that I was in the room –
A month later and I still don’t know what to tell her.
***
The pain has become an illusion; emotion cooked from raw to rubber?

After that point, it didn’t matter anymore what I did or didn’t remember. I was too young and naive to protect her when we were kids, but as a grown woman I couldn’t just turn blindly from her pain… So I began to advocate for her.

This ultimately climaxed in a heated conversation with my father just over 4 years ago. On that fated day, I would tell him that a relationship with me is a privilege and not his right, and that if he wanted to be a part of my life he needed to prove to me that his children’s wellbeing is more important to him than his pride.

My sister had asked him to get a polygraph so I simply backed her request, posting our relationship as collateral. I haven’t had a conversation with my father since.

Only the Beginning of the End

I had hopes, at first. In denial that my father would actually sacrifice me for the sake of his self-image. Then I got angry. Really fucking angry. Finally, extremely sad.

I recall sobbing to close friends during the saddest, most frustrating periods: “I wish I could hate him! This would be so much easier if I hated him… But he’s my dad and I love him – that’s what hurts most.”

Still, it’s not only the emotional turmoil that amps up in a situation like this. There’s the family drama, people taking sides or something even worse: people not taking sides.

It’s enough to make you crazy: being accosted by a respectful member of my small hometown community and innocently asked, “how’s your dad?” I’m not a liar anymore, even for discretion or convenience, so I tell them I don’t speak to him – which they’re always surprised by.

My dad has a public persona, only people close enough to be family were ever unfortunate enough to see his private side. Still, I’m not going to air my sister’s business to the whole neighborhood either. So, I just end up looking like the rebellious and wayward daughter he paints me as, every time. He’s a Christian after all, and in his circles, that alone counts for everything.

Then there’s the inter-familial dynamics. My mom still talks to my dad, and so does my sister who shared the nightly cuddle ritual with him. The family not only feels divided, it is.

We all play it cool, but I for one can always feel the underlying tension. Trying to imagine my poor sister’s position is excruciating: “either they believe me to be such a self-deprecating and attention-seeking liar that I would fraudulently claim to experience such horrible atrocities, or they’re simply willing to have relationships with my abuser…” Who could stand to think such things about their family? Yet, this is the strangeness we are living through.

Wading Through the Muck of It

One amazing thing has come from all of this though, I’ve become somewhat of a lie-detector myself.

My dad started gaslighting me as a child, telling me that some of my memories weren’t real. He was also accused of infidelity and asked to take a polygraph by my grandparents when I was in middle school. Essentially, the “truth” surrounding him was always somehow in question.

I didn’t realise how this had effected me until I was an adult though, and only after seeing some of the unfortunate patterns it had created in my behavior. As a young adult, I actually sought out liars to be friends with. I was comfortable with my ex husband’s con-man delusions and an ex girlfriend’s self-confessed pathological lying because I was used to being fucked with.

Things not making sense was what made sense to me. Because of my father’s self-constructed truths, I was completely comfortable with others who would try to bend and shape reality with their wills as well.

It wasn’t until I noticed this pattern in my relationships that I started to understand the gravity of my grooming. I made it my mission to detect truth from the lies.

Developing a Truth-Line

It all started with observations, and this was the biggest take away: when people lie, they often get dramatic and seem desperate. They will very often use their emotions, voice and body language to try and convince you of their lie. In fact, this is the most important determinant: lies require belief in order to exist.

The truth is the truth, is the truth. It cannot, by virtue of being the truth, be anything else. In this way, it is self-assured, self-justifiable and rightfully, can remain peacefully at ease – even when under attack.

You can research, read, ask, study, scour, hunt, discover and pry all you want and you will only ever uncover more truth. Truth is an advocate for curiosity because it has nothing to hide. Lies however, will always ask for your trust because it’s essential that you take them on faith – they will crumble beneath an investigation.

Lies only exist in our consciousness. Without a mind to think them to be true, and with no basis in reality to actually back them up, lies simply cease to be. In this way, they must be spread in order to ensure they survive.

This is where the drama and desperation come in. Liars often make theirs an emotional plea because they really, truly, need you to believe them. Without your belief, their reality starts to crumble.

Now, having done this work of developing a compass for detecting truth, I actually find myself laughing at my father’s feeble attempts at manipulation. He’ll spend weeks, probably even months at a time, tirelessly writing letters to family members about how true his truth is – as if somehow that makes it more true…

Meanwhile, I’m still taking ever further steps away from his delirium.