This past week has been a doozy for me. I had to go back and look at last week’s Divination just to get a grip for this week’s spread – and of course, found comfort seeing the obstacles, prayers and discomfort all laid out for me even before the week had started. I’m telling you, being the channel does not excuse you from having to learn the lessons…

Regardless, the wheel keeps turning and the lessons keep coming – it’s time for a new week and new discoveries! Let’s dive right in:

True Metamorphosis

The Oracle Decks used this week: Kuan Yin, Dragonfae and Dragon

A caterpillar does not simply become a butterfly, it must first undergo complete dissolution into cosmic goop and be stitched anew, cell by cell, via its transformation. In this same way, seeking our highest expression requires an ability to let go of what we think we know in order to fully trust in the wisdom that’s “beyond” us (in this instance, namely our egos).

As we officially begin a new year and new decade this week, we are all being called to consider our own metamorphosis. What might we become if we become what we were always destined to be?

Trusting Our Own Truth

Orchid Priestess of Destiny- Kuan Yin Oracle Deck

This beautiful Kuan Yin card asks us to go within, deep within, to those places inside of our soul that persist beyond conditioning and compromise. We are being called back to that place of Destiny.

To do this, we must understand that destiny and karma are not opposed. The soul must fulfill its destiny, but it also has to navigate karma all along the way in order to do so.

Often, there is a sense that if something is destined it will come to pass no matter what. This is true, but not in the sense that fate clears the way and sets things up so that karma isn’t an issue at all. Destiny will come to pass no matter what, even if you have to struggle through thousands of years of karma to make it happen.

This card asks us to find that truth, the one that persists beyond the coordination of this time and place, straight into the purest extension of our infinity. We are all being called to return to our most pure and potent potentiality, that central point of being in which we are empowered to act with clarity and discernment – even avoiding unnecessary karma through an alignment with our eternal destiny – but how do we do that exactly?

Listening for Our Own Voice

The Listener – Oracle of the Dragonfae Deck

We all need to just shut the f^ck up. Seriously.

Information is like a plague upon our modern world, and in all our desperation to attain knowledge we have lost something that was already gifted to us from the beginning of time: wisdom. That still, small voice that exists even amidst deafening silence is the key – we must return to that place of “peace that passes understanding” within us.

In many ways, this is a conscious stripping away of justifications, excuses and “evidences” we have hard saught throughout our karmic cycles. As such an act of destruction and decay, it will be painful and we may even experience feelings of sorrow and grief. This discomfort is actually a great sign that you are doing the work and decluttering your destiny of unnecessary karma.

In Buddhism we can learn that attachments are the roots of our suffering, and therefore to truly detach will often require a purge of that suffering. This isn’t to say that every attachment is undesirable or unjustifiable; in truth, grief is the cost of love, but that doesn’t make love an unworthy pursuit. Rather, acceptance of grief along with love can keep us from attaching to unrealistic expectations of love, ultimately making the experience of that love more conscientious and fulfilling.

It is in this same way that listening, coming into our stillness and quiet, can reacquaint us with the wisdom on the other side of our knowledge. Sacred silence offers us the space to rediscover our endlessness and the endlessness of our world. It can help break up densities and shift perspectives, reaquainting us with the true magick of our wisdom that extends beyond mere understanding and enables us to find faith.

Making a Universal Stand

Earth Dragon – Dragon Oracle Cards Deck

This final card has a beautiful duplicity to it. It portends both clearing as well as grounding. Perhaps the clearing is the less obvious power play here, so let’s start there.

Earth isn’t merely a passive entity on which we enact our life’s dramas, but rather an active and powerful spiritual body, ever working alongside us on our spiritual paths. There is a reason we bury people when they die and why all life eventually decays and “returns to the earth,” this planet is a powerful alchemist, capable of taking in and reabsorbing matter, which also enables her own infinite destiny of creation.

In this way we see the pattern of metamorphosis emerging again. The earth is in a constant state of metamorphosis, as we all are, and it is in this place that we find her power of clearing.

This isn’t a clearing in which all is forgotten, never to be remembered and thus everything is fundamentally changed forever, having no entanglements to the past at all. Rather, this is the true clearing work of decomposition and reconstruction. This clearing work recognizes that for something to truly be no more, it must become something else.

This is why truth and destiny are eternal: the past is never truly gone, just merely recycled into the future. We have all heard that “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” and this is why. There is truly “nothing new under the sun.”

Which is precisely where we can find our grounding: not in the elements that will endlessly change, but in the integrity of cosmic flux and change itself. What remains despite all else? What are the things that cannot be destroyed? What of these cosmic and eternal powers exist within us?

The Power of Coming Undone

As we all set out to begin this new era, may we be bold and brave – may we be able to strip away the unnecessary karma and realign with our true destinies. Might we all be willing to submit ourselves fully to the alchemical processes of existence and be reduced to the bare necessities of spirit and soul in order to be restitched through our own Divine metamorphoses.

May the fear, conditioning and justifications of the past all decay and dissolve into the primal, cosmic soup of endless possibilities once again. May we all dare to dream new dreams, and might they all be filled by the most ancient and holy Truth. In these ways, might we all be realigned with our destinies and begin 2020 with the empowerment and freedom of finally releasing our unnecessary karma.

Blessed Be my Beloveds, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am sick. I’ve been sleeping most of the weekend, feeling unlike myself as cold and flu medicine circulates in my bloodstream. My fever broke but I still smell salty-sweet from my sweating. I’m wearing my shirt inside out for some reason…

My face is broken out and my eyes are glazed with that lost look of sickness. By all measures, I am not exactly desirable right now. Yet here I am, feeling totally, completely and fantastically loved.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I haven’t always felt this way though, even when at my best. There have been countless times when I was well, fit and primed, yet still felt rejected, undesirable and unloved. It took me over 3 decades to discover what was available to me all along: love starts with ourselves.

See, back then – 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago – I was more concerned with what was “wrong” with me than anything else. Everything was a potential weapon I could use against enemy number one: myself. Of course I was the problem and if I could just look right, act right and be better everything would change.

Well, everything did change, but it’s not because I found some perfectly “right” way of being. I simply allowed myself to start paying attention to more than my fear and pain. I started to appreciate the love in my life instead of justify my rejection of it.

Coming Back to the Truth

I never needed to work out every day to be loved, but I tried to use my own self-worth against me to manipulate myself into doing just that. I never needed to push myself beyond my own boundaries to be loved, but I would sacrifice my integrity for any small semblance of external approval anyway. I never had to lose myself and become what everyone was told to want, but I was too busy listening to the chatter of desperation to tune into my own heart.

I had it all along, I was always loved, but I couldn’t accept it. I was never good enough, never deserving, and my life became a distorted version of who I thought people wanted me to be rather than the expression of my own unique divine existence. I had rejected myself, and from that place I couldn’t accept anyone else either.

The turn around came when I broke through rock bottom and found it was me running things with pitchfork in hand down there. I had to decide if I would keep feeding my inner hatred and disease or if I would endeavor to rise above, so I started climbing out from the pit of my own dispare.

Starting at the Bottom

It wasn’t easy; reclaiming my life would require sacrifice and strength. I would meet challenge after challenge, most from within, my thoughts and emotions seemingly at war with my intention. I had spent decades grooming myself into a victim and undoing all that conditioning is time consuming, and painful.

I wanted to become “the person I could respect most” in this world, and though I have always enjoyed personal development, I started to pursue my actual enlightenment for the first time. That was just over 3 years ago.

Making the Climb

Since making a commitment to authenticity in the summer of 2016, my entire life has changed, and that has included my understanding of love. What I was chasing for all those years was approval, not love. What I deprived of myself of in attempts to try and get approval, that was love.

It started with me, I was the one who decided that not being approved of meant I was unloved. I was the one who denied myself my own affection and care in order to try and manipulate myself into becoming something I wasn’t. And it has to be me who undoes all the damage too.

I am sure I will be continuing to deconstruct, heal and integrate what I’ve learned about loving myself throughout the remainder of my life. I find it absolutely vital that the time it takes does not matter though. I cannot allow myself to create new conditions for my own acceptance and love again, even if they “evolve” with me to sound desirable to my new world views.

Becoming Aware and Appreciating the Journey

You see, love isn’t a destination but a way of traveling. There is no prescription of behavior or belief that makes you more or less deserving of love, but what you believe about love will color every aspect of your entire life.

When I didn’t love myself, I didn’t love anyone else, and I couldn’t accept any love for myself from others either. Love was to be earned and well, no one is worthy.

But that’s just it. True love is a blessing that extends beyond justification and deserving. By opening myself to the grace and beauty of love’s power, I was able to overcome my own limitations as well.

Taking in all the Majesty and Splendor

I am still making this climb, I am still undoing the damage I did when I was desperate to force myself to be “ideal.” I don’t know how long this journey will take, and I don’t care. It’s all great now.

Here I am, feeling gross and undesirable, knowing I am loved. I have opened up and as a result my life has become filled with love.

I had over 150 messages on my phone to catch up on from this weekend – all from encouraging, inspiring and loving people I am blessed to know, from all over the globe. I have a generous and loving family, I’m close with my sisters, my mom, and my grandmother. I get to be a part of things I am passionate about and am no longer afraid to make people uncomfortable or be unliked.

I don’t need everyone’s approval anymore because I have my own. No, I’m not perfect, but I’m also no longer suffering the delusion that I should be either. I am better than perfect, I’m real.

Every Vista an Achievement

I’m not sure that there is a top to this climb, but there are innumerable views along the way. Wouldn’t it be sad to miss everything in a desperate scramble to summit?

That’s what I was doing for the majority of my life, more concerned with achievement than living. I never stopped to admire the speckled inclusions in my sensitivities or marvel at the expanse of my mind, I had been missing out on the immense passions of my heart for even the smallest of delights.

Now? I am enchanted, each moment a blessing. It doesn’t matter how well I do at something because I’m already proud of myself for trying. I no longer try to manipulate myself and my Self is very grateful.

It is in this way I feel I already have everything I could ever want. True richness comes in perspective and true wealth emerges from gratitude. No matter what my life holds, it will be blessed because I bless myself and others. No matter the challenges I may face, I will rejoice because the outcomes are less important than what can be learned.

I wish this freedom and joy for each of you. If you have been denying yourself your own love, decide to stop manipulating and do the work of repairing your heart. You have the power.

“Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.”

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

Blessed be my beloveds!

avoidance was never an option
we all fall, from the very start
            an improvement from crawling
            even if our dream is to run – or fly


it takes the resilience of a child
Innocence’s audacity to dare
            to use bruised limbs to try again
            even cushioned by soft ungrowth


we cry “why me” in ignorance 
privileges taken for granted 
            invisible graces remain unseen
            while we focus on insecurities 


pain is essential for developing 
strength gained under tension
            fighting our future is futile 
            all progress is inevitable 


some mistakes are traumas
some wounds require sutures 
             we’ve got to clean them, deeply
             but it doesn’t mean we stop living


risks we take might break us
fortune may choose to favor us
             regardless, the days will come
             turning to years ever faster


do the scary, dangerous things
they assure us of our matter
             follow with the loving care
             faith in intentional patterns 


we don’t have to know everything
to lean into the security of trust
            not in religion, but heart beats 
            not in government, but breath 


we’ve been given everything 
Infinity itself laying out bare
            there is no value for us to get
            we don’t create within ourselves


choose the hard, wonder full
let’s pay our pain with purpose
             consequences can be strategic 
             don’t settle in complaining

I found happiness 
at the bottom 
of my darkest 
scariest and
hardest 
resistance –
as soon as I
let go of my
fear and expectations 


Drowning in bliss
doesn’t always 
feel all that
pleasant 
but the pain
makes resilient 
my most broken –


Healing in
to bloom
forever
dying just
to grow again 


here
I AM
now


i am 


now
I AM
here


Again to grow
just to die
always
crumbling 
diffusing out –


Brilliance of most
tranquil suffering 
but the joy
difficult –
thinking all
and every way
killing potential highs


Goals and potentialities 
sneakily influence 
if I don’t watch
my mischief –
easiest 
purest and
most beloved
at the center
of what can never be lost