Sitting on the couch late this afternoon, I was taking a breath after our long trip into town for Amu’s doctor appointment, when I texted my sister:

A few minutes later I’m on my mat, going through the asanas of the Internal Balance Kriya. I listen to the Mool Mantra, one of my favorites, as I go through the awkward but invigorating movements.

The practice warms and relaxes me, but I also feel that delicious Kundalini activation take hold. As I finish and lay back for Shavasana I put on another favorite, the Ganesha mantra.

I sing along to the mantra for a few bars, feeling invigorated and light, when suddenly I remember information I read earlier today regarding the Akashic Records. Being in a relaxed and meditative state already, I decide to dip my toes into this new spiritual territory.

I begin with my intention:

With love, light and truth, I intend to access my Akashic Records to find the starting point of my aversion to discipline as well as the cause of my continual self-sabotage.

Immediately, my monkey-mind chimed in, “what are you expecting exactly? Nothing’s going to happen…” Yet, without missing a beat, my Watching Mind echos back: “sshhh…”

In that instant, I am on a road. A red, ruddy road, lined with wheat… And I am running for my life.

I am being chased. I have run away, desperate for freedom. I am an escaped slave.

I veer into the tall golden stalks, attempting to hide myself, but I am accosted by three men. Suddenly, I am aware of what happens next: I am about to die.

The men do not take me back to the plantation, but instead drag me into a small thatch hut… The same men and the same hut that just a year and a half ago I reexperienced amidst one of four past life death regressions I underwent during a deep, Binural Beats/Crystal Bed/Energy Healer induced meditation…

I didn’t need to go back into the hut today to know I was about to be raped, stabbed and then burned along with it. I chose to end the Akashic Reading and let out a broken and pained “thank you” before convulsing into sorrowful shuttering sobs.

What I experienced next was not something I had planned. I began to offer myself, this past incarnation, the gift of Hawaiian Ho’oponopono:

Thank you. I’m Sorry. Please forgive me. I love you…

Again and again, crying and gurgling, yet somehow still speaking the blesaings aloud… I became utterly overwhelmed with the loss, the pain and the betrayals against humanity I had endured as this woman.

This continued until I could breath again, the words gradually becoming calmer and steadier, until I could say them all with ease and grace… But I was no where near done.

Suddenly my mind returned to the hut, to my attackers and my gruesome death to come. Without thinking or questioning, I begin Ho’oponopono for my attackers.

Over and over and over, through tears and gasps as memories of memories flooded my brain. I could see their eyes, one with blue and one with brown, but I was transfixed by the man with the green eyes and fair freckled skin – the attacker that looked so strikingly kin to my soul’s current body…

The tears and sobs return evermore intensely and at times I feel as though I am choking on the words, but I bring them forth anyway. Staring into my attackers eyes, into the eyes of my murderers, as I am being raped and killed – and I am blessing them…

It’s harder, but eventually I can say it all to them with the same steadiness and resolve I gave to myself… And that’s when I jumped.

See, in previous encounters with this past life death, once I died I came up out of the first person experience to watch my dead body go up in flames with the hut as the men set it on fire with me inside…. I was also able to see a progression of my charred bones becoming a part of the earth as time simply continued on… But not today.

Once I had given my final, resolved blessing, my attackers vanished and Ganesha himself appeared in the hut. He scooped up my bruised, bloodied and broken body into his arms, carrying me out and away, into the ethereal plane.

I began to sing the mantra once more, for the first time becoming aware of my physical body as it is now, again. I felt as though I had sleep paralysis and was glued to my yoga mat, as well as a tingling sensation all over my body that I have only encountered before during intense guided Breathwork sessions at Apotheosis retreats… And another feeling too, but this one was completely different from anything I’d felt before.

My chest unlocked. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I’ll try to explain…

I’ve had an ongoing pressure at the top of my chest, between my heart and throat chakras, for as long as I have been becoming more aware of my body/mind connection. Despite yoga and pranayama, Breathwork and this-lifetime’s trauma work, it has never felt open – like there was almost a ceiling on my heart – and often it’s even been painful to try and breathe into that space… But today, it simply lifted and I automatically took the deepest breath of my life.

I am largely still processing all that I experienced and it wasn’t until I came across an article about quantum jumping that I began to make sense of the drastic shift that happened in the hut when Ganesha carried me away into heaven… Through engaging with my realities in this transformational and healing way, I’ve rewritten my timeline and changed this past life…

As far as discipline and self-sabotage, I do feel I understand now, at least in part, how this past life experience has been affecting me throughout this lifetime. I have been viewing discipline as opposition to my freedom, running from my own enforcement as though it seeks to enslave me again… But even more shocking, my choice to run for my freedom was a blatent act of “self-sabotage” that ultimately resulted in my death and yet, I have been proud of choosing a free death over a slave’s life… My self-sabotage, contrary to my previous suspicions, is not due to self-loathing or a belief of unworthiness but rather, it’s a point of pride…

Yea… Definitely still processing. I must say though, I did ask for it 🙏

3 thoughts on “Off with a BANG

  1. Holy cow, this is super powerful stuff! I can totally relate to a rebellious pride in choosing freedom even if it goes against my best interest. Can’t wait to hear how this experience further transforms your relationship with freedom and discipline ❤

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