The last couple weeks (or few weeks?) have flown past in an intoxicating whirlwind. I feel I’ve been tumbling through my life, barely scratching the surface of mundane reality while still engaging with *most* of it.
Things have been left undone. Priorities have been forgotten momentarily, here and there, to add up to responsibilities slipping accross the board. Mind you, I never get it all done – but this time around I’m not stressed about it or anxiously trying to avoid the inevitable through some miraculous equation of right action.
Ah, oxytocin – what a wonderfully silly chemical you are. This is certainly one way to fall into flow.
Learning to let go and open up
Missing my last Mastermind Group call, skipping a philosophy class – I’m tempted to think that my newest distraction is a bad influence… But the reality is that I made those choices without him even asking me to (or knowing I was making them, because he wouldn’t have let me skip either I’m sure lol). What’s going on is much more than that, and I think it’s in line with healing my perpetual symptoms of perceived inadequacy.
I skipped my conscious play party and we missed another party we planned to attend together simply because enjoying one another was more tantalizing and desirable. It feels like this recent past has been all about achieving more satisfaction for less complexity. Rather than feeling dissapointed by my distraction and loss of focus, I’m grateful for it – the work has continued despite the change of course.
I’ve been facing some deep fears. I feel safe in my lonliness and independence so letting someone in can be very uncomfortable for me. I can even be completely honest, with friends and family for example, and not really “open up” or allow myself to be vulnerable; a lot of talking about feelings rather than allowing others to witness me actually feeling them. I don’t ask for help, even when I need it, because I’d rather fail on my own that depend on someone else… And this is all being challenged by my desire to make room in my life for this man.
Reevaluation of my evolution
I’m not sure what I expected, but it was definitely not that I would be reevaluating my approach to my development because I would become grateful for the perspective of distraction. No, if I had known in the beginning that this romance would lead to missing out on any Mastermind or philosophy instruction, skipping my play party and cancelling plans on friends last minute because I’ve lost track of time in his eyes again… I would not have entertained my interest in this man at all. Yet, here I am.
Being told that I am beautiful and only then realizing I was feeling ugly. Being held when I am overwhelmed with emotions of inadequacy. Being allowed to be a mess, and being adored in that messiness. Challenging my limiting belief of unworthiness in entirely new ways; learning to appreciate myself the way he does – so effortlessly.
Am I being less productive? In some ways. Am I taking my opportunities and possibilities for granted? Possibly. Am I rediscovering myself from a lens outside of my own personal bias and shaking up my perceived needs and limitations as a result? Definitely.
Stepping into the full glory of my imperfections
I don’t look the way the magazines and other pop culture machines tell me I should, but I feel my inherent desirability deep in my powerfully convicted core. I don’t make a lot of money, have a fancy title or collect any of the material trappings that would make others envious of my life, but I feel my inherent value overflowing in my joy and love. I don’t know everything about anything, I’m not always right and I make mistakes, but I can feel my inherent wisdom gently guiding my attention in this flow.
I’m enjoying my surrender. I am basking in the wonder of not having it all together and celebrating the qualities of my undoneness. I’m learning that all you have to do to get everything you want is to want everything you have.
I am letting it all be okay. I am actively choosing to not let things become a big deal. I have always had this choice, and even though the oxytocin has helped release my grasp on controlling my development and progress quite a bit, this has much more far reaching impacts as well.
I’m gaining more understanding about my preoccupation with my inadequacy and how its effects extend far beyond accomplishing daily mundane tasks. I am seeing my own behavior more and more clearly, even to the extent of how I have allowed my goals to become weapons to use against myself in certain respects. I’m learning that imperfect doesn’t mean “not worth it.”
Getting comfortable with missing the mark
So, there are some targets I’ve been missing recently. There are even some shots I just didn’t take. Yet, in stepping away from the range, putting down my weapon and allowing my shaking arms to relax, I have begun to open my eyes to the beauty of not aiming at all.
Some of life’s greatest pleasures can never be achieved, they must simply be allowed. So, I’m unfurling. I’m opening up my delicate center, peeling away petal after petal, allowing my essence to permeate my reality and entice exploration of my depths.
Here’s to returning to my oddities. Here’s to settling into my bones again. Here’s to living my life, unapologetic of being flawed, distracted or human.