Poetry, Series

Fortune Dares Poetry Series: Today (in a past life)

I let myself sleep –
I had achieved much
deserved more –
waking upon desire
I went out prepared
the morning was splendid
even late, I was suited
my perfect flawed style
lazily I participated
took notes and tried
to make sense of it
to pull out knowledge
treated my self
to lunch and finishing
my studies just enough
all the while jaded
appreciated again
gravity and its loss
riding an elevator
glimpsed some awesome
remembering love
for where I am
the walk went fast
thoughts make me laugh
comedic tragedy
I learned more from
my humble Professor
then proud Oedipus
today is fairy tails
they keep weaving
banter with breath –
I could weep the profundity
Only to get that message.
The one of you crying.
Telling me you’ll write a letter.
Me unable to know more.
the break is just as violent
the wave dashed
against rocks and odds
the uncountable times
will I never see you?
when will I know?
I had written a letter
in the gap of morning
that made me late
but happy to be
I can’t send it now…
would it be forwarded?
what about the other
things I sent just yesterday?
I wrote in big Sharpie
on the side like you said
everyone then read
fuck if I care
but what do I say
how do I tell
everyone again
A little bit
A little bit
And a little bit more
Once they have what you want
You’ll always be sore
I can’t help but wonder –
what happened?
I know it’s trouble –
but what kind?
we were so close –
what does in-patient mean?
what release date?
this one? or is it new?
I can’t keep up…
I sit now with nothing
lost to an unrelenting black hole
pointlessness and insignificance
I’m insane enough to ignore my lunacy
perhaps they call that enduring
Tried and true.
I chose every last word.
in this moment I’m deciding
I’m going to look at the side
that doesn’t produce darkness in me
I can’t afford to go back now –
I want to cry.
Nothing comes.
Not a tear –
not even the sign of my maddening mind –
no whisper of pain or regret –
I think they call this shock but –
could I still be shocked, even this time?
how can I sway when your
pain persuaded me first –
we’re both fucked up baby
we’re both fucked up
I must detach again
laugh and smile and try again –
I can’t dwell in this place of real life
on my extension of loss
a greater part of myself is lost
then I’d like to admit I’ve found

Milestone, spiritual, Thoughts

Voluntarily Discomfort in Paradise

“Huuuecckkeghhh-ughhh… HUUUECKKEGHHH!” My whole body shakes as I purge violently into my bucket. There’s nothing in my stomach anymore, the Aya has moved through my system and I’m just emitting bile now. My mouth tastes sour and bitter but I can’t drink water yet… Everytime I open my eyes I feel dizzy and ungrounded by their inability to focus as infinite geometric fractals take over my surroundings. “Thank you mama… thank you.”

The House of Masters – Imiloa Institute, Costa Rica

With eyes closed, falling back onto my sweat-soaked mattress next to more than 30 other friends (who were just strangers days ago) on the yoga deck in the Costa Rican jungle, I begin to undergo visuals of exponentially greater intensity and depth once more. I’ve been journeying for what seems like days, but really only an hour or two had passed. I am transported beyond the boundaries of my perception, into the space of existence where the overwhelming unity of Source converges and separation completely dissolves. Pachamama revealing the intricacies of her boundless power and love in every variety of expression.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

This is our second Ayahuasca ceremony on this retreat and it had been nothing like my first experience last year or my experience during this week’s first ceremony. My intention this time was “expansiveness” and oh did I recieved it fully. Laying there, feeling as though every cell in my body were vibrating, I pondered drinking a second cup of the medicine – though even the thought made me feel as if I might die.

“This,” I thought, “this I how I conquer fear…” Preparing myself to accept the challenge whilst Pachamama soothingly comforted me in the back of my mind, “you can drink if you want, but you don’t have to,” I knew, the answers to my intention laid just beyond this fear. I had to push my limit and drink again.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

The second cup was gritty, filled with remnants of the holy vine. I braced myself add I returned to my mattress… But nothing happened. I felt better – actually, I felt amazing.

I would still be journeying for about 4 more hours, and it would remain full of psychedelic wonder and more purging, but I was able to regain some grace. I felt strong. I felt proud.

I would under go a series of “downloads” the rest of the night, receiving divine messages about my life, my purpose and my path. My future became clear. My past, my excuses and my fears now all obsolete.

During the night I would visit my loved ones, both alive and dead, to express my gratitude, love and even my grief. “It is an honor to mourn you,” would become a mantra as I kissed the faces of friends and family who had long gone. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” falling evermore from my tongue.

I kissed monsters and communed with the goddess in her ever-changing forms. My heart was opened to the endless expanses of possibility and I gained new appreciation for the spaces of infinity and creation that are Pachamama’s domain. I experienced true, unbridled and uncontained power, drinking deep of endless glories.

It was so hard.

It was so ugly.

It was so divine.

It was so beautiful.

I wish for a world where everyone understands that discomfort is the price of legendary. And fear is just growth coming to get you.

~ Robin S. Sharma