I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows

a gentle stirring like
breezes tickling leaves
ants rustling beneath
grass growing
flowers blooming
sunshine thawing snow
listen with your whole
suspended breath
tremors of focus
gaping open mind
deliciously craving
hope that persists
it’s not here yet
but it’s coming
persisting passed
primordial deaths
pushing up beyond
limits condemning
reaching out and in
to find reunion’s bliss
like whispers on wind
lost to distractions
yet still ever there
for those of us listening
following paths of light
the fae leave in dust
it’s not obvious
until you see it
close eyes and savor
falling back into dark
letting possibility implode
freeing up all powers
dancing to the silence
caught in rhythms unknown
allow conciousness’ expanse
collapse all assumption
cradling soft tenderness
adorning love with glories
breathe and be breathed
join once again in beingness
it’s not only an end
this awakening

Ah, life…

I wanted to start this post with another “it’s been a crazy week,” or “sorry I haven’t had time to write something current lately,” but then I realized – I don’t feel that way. So I’m not going to say it.

The weekend was great. I’m sick and have largely been scraping by the last 3 days, barely cognizant sometimes, but I also still managed to spend mother’s day with my momma bear and that is so special to me.

I’m laying here, with beads of sweat on my forehead, feeling gross and icky, but I’m also feeling proud of the fact that I still woke up at 6am today to workout with my friend before I did my Sadhana (it wasn’t much of a workout but the commitment is what’s been making the real difference anyway). I’m feeling blessed, accomplished and grateful. I’m also wondering when this stupid head cold will finally pass…

And that’s just it…

That’s life. THIS is life! It’s never all good or all bad, there are always ups and downs, things don’t ever remain nice and categorical and reality’s “peaks” and “valleys” often coincide. There’s no destination that escapes the densly diverse experiences of existence.

That’s why perspective, intention and focus matter so much. We all make our own meaning.

I could focus on how “crazy” things feel when I am not accomplishing everything I want to accomplish, but then I’m probably only going to foster more manic energy for myself. I can fixate on all the ways I’ve not been “keeping up” with the make believe standards I’ve set in place for myself, but then I’m really only harvesting dissapointment and discontent.

The truth is, I get to choose

No one’s life is perfect, but I can certainly enjoy mine should I decide to. Sure, being sick isn’t easy to enjoy necessarily, but I can still be grateful that I’m alive and take the extra pause to appreciate my blessings. Instead of worrying about all the things I haven’t gotten to yet, I can be thankful I have so many opportunities, trust and responsibility.

So, this is me basking… I’m drinking it all in and savoring every drop. I love you life! I’m so blessed by the good, the bad and everything in between…

Image: Internet

Coming back in
just to back out
You can’t have me
but can’t move on
·
Frustrated so –
ask me to go
Changing mind

reel me in again

·

Can’t you see you’ve been hurting me?
If you care so much, why can’t you try?
I see now, it was always about you –
You never wanted but your dream of me

not my reality, not my hard-sought truth

·

Accusing, you point
only to then recoil
I’m fucking with you

just not how you like

·

Sure “I don’t get you”
I must be “confused”
If I really understood

I’d think just like you – right?!

·

Can’t you see you’re clipping my wings?
If you love me why won’t you let me fly?
I know now how I must threaten you –
I never wanted to cause any kind of grief

but I know there can be no peace in lies

·

Don’t change for me
don’t you even try!
I don’t want anything

but your authenticity

·

It’s okay if we don’t fit
We don’t have to cut
or mame ourselves –

I’ll love you from afar

·

You don’t want me, so please let me go –
it doesn’t make you wrong or me right
We can be different and still appreciate

We don’t have to be together to love –

·

I’m not rejecting you, or your dreams –
but they are yours to have, not mine
I’ll always want your spirit to thrive

but it’s my responsibility to keep mine alive

·

Can’t you see, the limits your creating?
If you want freedom why draw lines?
I’m learning now, what love is for you –
All or nothing means choosing extremes

but I’ll keep on trying to walk the midline

I think I may officially be too old for traditional camping… Well, at least festival camping, with it’s late nights and early mornings… I am still recuperating from my adventure last week, and on top of being sore and fatigued, I’m also trying to catch up on the things I wasn’t home to do.

The ever-extended task list

I’ve discovered that Sammi has a little infection and that’s why he’s been a recluse, so I’m nursing the poor baby back to health as well as trying to regain my usual momentum around the house. My friend is on me about footage I collected from our performance, meanwhile I haven’t even had time to unpack, let alone think about the footage yet. HW wants to spend time together, as do I. Friends want to hang out. Articles need to be written, web pages need to be updated, collaborators need to be contacted… The list is never ending, but none of that comes before my top priorities are done, all of which (at this time in my life) center around maintaining my grandmother’s home and the office for the family busnesses.

Life keeps going, stuff comes up, plans get changed and added – the reality of being an adult right?! I suppose I know this, I’m not even sure I mind it… But I hate being treated like I am not doing anything whilst simultaneously feeling like I’m drowning beneath my obligations.

The invisible weight of traditional expectations

This is the plight of the householder. This is why women divorce their husbands after all their “nagging” never serves to get them any help with the cooking and cleaning. This is why stay at home moms work the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobsMost of what goes on in the home to keep it comfortable, clean and functional simply goes unnoticed and under appreciated.

It’s not as simple as making a healthy dinner every night, though with dishes and prep that task alone easily takes 2 hours – there’s also the meal planning, grocery shopping and unloading, pantry stocking/food inventory maintenance, kitchen management and cleaning. It’s not as simple as keeping things clean; it’s having a flexible chore schedule, weekly/monthly task lists, and routines to ensure you don’t undo the efforts of one task by completing another out of the preferential order; it’s tidying – all day every day – to maintain the inviting comfort of the home; it’s organizing and reorganizing cabinets, closets and storage; it’s planting and it’s landscaping; it’s laundry and errands; as well as being prepared to stop or pause any of that to be available to others when they stop by for a visit, call to chat or otherwise interrupt your day because “your always home.”

Alienated from comfort and relaxation

Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, I want to be anywhere but home. Work and home are synonymous for me; if I’m exhausted from a long day, it’s not as simple as leaving the office and kicking my shoes off to relax on the couch. My work, any unfinished chores that were postponed because of someone’s even well-meaning distraction or disruption, and any unchecked task for the day remain front and center in my attention no matter where in the house I try to retreat to for some semblance of peace and tranquility.

There’s a reason they say “a woman’s work is never done:” it’s the truth (of course, this applies to male/nonbinary householders as well). We don’t get to just clock out and check out, we’re always “on.”

Someone’s hungry? Ask the householder what there is to eat and/or to make you something. Someone can’t find something? Ask the householder where in the home to look and/or to get it for you. There’s a mess? Tell the householder and/or leave it for them to deal with at some point. They’ve got nothing better to do than meet all needs of everyone who ever steps foot in the home, right?!

Wrong. We’ve got a lot more going on than just making sure everyone else is comfortable, that everyone else’s needs are met and that the home runs like a “well oiled machine” despite often being the only one bothering to “oil” it or even monitor the “oil” level.

Desperate for recognition

We don’t need people to feel sorry for us. We don’t even need less to do or help doing these things (though that would be amazing). What we do need is appreciation, understanding and consideration. If you’re not helping our efforts, at least be decent enough to not hinder them.

Don’t track mud all over just cleaned floors. Don’t leave dishes strewn about. Don’t just drop your towel, your clothes or your shoes. Stop. Notice. Be grateful.

Go the extra distince and see your householder as more than just your maid/cook. We are people with dreams, hobbies and side hustles. The truth is, we have better things to do than just “take care of everything” so that you “don’t have to worry about anything.” Recognize that. Savor it. Engrain it into your consciousness.

Don’t simply ask us, “what are you going to do today?” Because that’s basically just admitting that you don’t take notice of the millions of tiny, under appreciated yet absolutely essential things we do every day.

Creating the sacred amidst the chaos

I wake up 2-4 hours before my day as a householder starts so that I can take care of me. Working out, doing my Sadhana and hopefully getting in some study or writing in all before my grandma even wakes up. After the day is done and I’ve put away leftovers and cleaned the kitchen for the 3rd or 4th time of the day, I sometimes get a bit more time to work online, read and sometimes even socialize.

These times are carved out purposefully so that I don’t go completely insane, but it’s not a fool proof method. I often feel bad turning down invitations to go out, but I simply have to prioritize my personal projects over entertainment sometimes – especially if my passions have been continually neglected for a while. Other times, I’m just exhausted.

If your householder is acting standoffish, chances are it’s not how they wish things were either. Give them the benefit of the doubt, or better yet, give them a break completely. Dishes aren’t done yet? Do them. Have dirty laundry? Do it yourself. Something needs cleaning? You got it – clean the mess!

Take this as an invitation to appreciate the grace your householder provides you, and to return that grace to them as well. Be patient. Be kind – and for goodness sake, take notice of all they do for you instead of asking “what did you do today?”