my heart is a garden

bursting with blooms

shining emerald brilliance


buds, petals and blossoms 

rejoicing in their cool

milky-pink rose quartz glow


fairies and fae folk 

dancing and singing

round an endless fountain 


love abundant, pouring

from the endless depths 

of my eternal soul

I am opening myself completely to the transformative power of spirit

Today was a glorious day. I slept well for the first time in over a week, I’m feeling healthy again, I woke up and did my Sadhana before taking a long shower and then headed out to my local healing center.

I started my rejuvenating outing with a Kundalini class, we did a kriya focused on the solar plexus chakra and core. Very suitable for the Scorpio full moon and all its transformative power and personal truth vibes.

I then enjoyed an Ion Foot Detox, which was brown/orange (blood/joints) this month. Last month’s was black (liver/heavy metal).

Ion Detox time!

Finally, my day at Taspens concluded with Community Acupuncture, which far exceeded my expectations. I’ve had acupuncture before but this was combined with sound healing and it was an absolutely divine experience.

I selected the “spiritual opening” placement for my needles and my mantra for the experience was “I am opening myself completely to the transformative power of spirit.” I had a blissful meditation with many visuals and am still vibrating from the experience…

All in all – ahhhhh… I love my chosen path, I live being a student of connection and mindfulness. I love living my life. I am so blessed and so grateful – definitely feeling the renewal I was hoping for!

Sitting on the couch late this afternoon, I was taking a breath after our long trip into town for Amu’s doctor appointment, when I texted my sister:

A few minutes later I’m on my mat, going through the asanas of the Internal Balance Kriya. I listen to the Mool Mantra, one of my favorites, as I go through the awkward but invigorating movements.

The practice warms and relaxes me, but I also feel that delicious Kundalini activation take hold. As I finish and lay back for Shavasana I put on another favorite, the Ganesha mantra.

I sing along to the mantra for a few bars, feeling invigorated and light, when suddenly I remember information I read earlier today regarding the Akashic Records. Being in a relaxed and meditative state already, I decide to dip my toes into this new spiritual territory.

I begin with my intention:

With love, light and truth, I intend to access my Akashic Records to find the starting point of my aversion to discipline as well as the cause of my continual self-sabotage.

Immediately, my monkey-mind chimed in, “what are you expecting exactly? Nothing’s going to happen…” Yet, without missing a beat, my Watching Mind echos back: “sshhh…”

In that instant, I am on a road. A red, ruddy road, lined with wheat… And I am running for my life.

I am being chased. I have run away, desperate for freedom. I am an escaped slave.

I veer into the tall golden stalks, attempting to hide myself, but I am accosted by three men. Suddenly, I am aware of what happens next: I am about to die.

The men do not take me back to the plantation, but instead drag me into a small thatch hut… The same men and the same hut that just a year and a half ago I reexperienced amidst one of four past life death regressions I underwent during a deep, Binural Beats/Crystal Bed/Energy Healer induced meditation…

I didn’t need to go back into the hut today to know I was about to be raped, stabbed and then burned along with it. I chose to end the Akashic Reading and let out a broken and pained “thank you” before convulsing into sorrowful shuttering sobs.

What I experienced next was not something I had planned. I began to offer myself, this past incarnation, the gift of Hawaiian Ho’oponopono:

Thank you. I’m Sorry. Please forgive me. I love you…

Again and again, crying and gurgling, yet somehow still speaking the blesaings aloud… I became utterly overwhelmed with the loss, the pain and the betrayals against humanity I had endured as this woman.

This continued until I could breath again, the words gradually becoming calmer and steadier, until I could say them all with ease and grace… But I was no where near done.

Suddenly my mind returned to the hut, to my attackers and my gruesome death to come. Without thinking or questioning, I begin Ho’oponopono for my attackers.

Over and over and over, through tears and gasps as memories of memories flooded my brain. I could see their eyes, one with blue and one with brown, but I was transfixed by the man with the green eyes and fair freckled skin – the attacker that looked so strikingly kin to my soul’s current body…

The tears and sobs return evermore intensely and at times I feel as though I am choking on the words, but I bring them forth anyway. Staring into my attackers eyes, into the eyes of my murderers, as I am being raped and killed – and I am blessing them…

It’s harder, but eventually I can say it all to them with the same steadiness and resolve I gave to myself… And that’s when I jumped.

See, in previous encounters with this past life death, once I died I came up out of the first person experience to watch my dead body go up in flames with the hut as the men set it on fire with me inside…. I was also able to see a progression of my charred bones becoming a part of the earth as time simply continued on… But not today.

Once I had given my final, resolved blessing, my attackers vanished and Ganesha himself appeared in the hut. He scooped up my bruised, bloodied and broken body into his arms, carrying me out and away, into the ethereal plane.

I began to sing the mantra once more, for the first time becoming aware of my physical body as it is now, again. I felt as though I had sleep paralysis and was glued to my yoga mat, as well as a tingling sensation all over my body that I have only encountered before during intense guided Breathwork sessions at Apotheosis retreats… And another feeling too, but this one was completely different from anything I’d felt before.

My chest unlocked. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I’ll try to explain…

I’ve had an ongoing pressure at the top of my chest, between my heart and throat chakras, for as long as I have been becoming more aware of my body/mind connection. Despite yoga and pranayama, Breathwork and this-lifetime’s trauma work, it has never felt open – like there was almost a ceiling on my heart – and often it’s even been painful to try and breathe into that space… But today, it simply lifted and I automatically took the deepest breath of my life.

I am largely still processing all that I experienced and it wasn’t until I came across an article about quantum jumping that I began to make sense of the drastic shift that happened in the hut when Ganesha carried me away into heaven… Through engaging with my realities in this transformational and healing way, I’ve rewritten my timeline and changed this past life…

As far as discipline and self-sabotage, I do feel I understand now, at least in part, how this past life experience has been affecting me throughout this lifetime. I have been viewing discipline as opposition to my freedom, running from my own enforcement as though it seeks to enslave me again… But even more shocking, my choice to run for my freedom was a blatent act of “self-sabotage” that ultimately resulted in my death and yet, I have been proud of choosing a free death over a slave’s life… My self-sabotage, contrary to my previous suspicions, is not due to self-loathing or a belief of unworthiness but rather, it’s a point of pride…

Yea… Definitely still processing. I must say though, I did ask for it 🙏

The last couple of nights I’ve not slept much – both for different reasons… But this tiredness I’m feeling, thinking about the day aheada and already wanting to go back to bed, is quite distracting… Not all of my doziness is from the poor sleep though.

We got my sister moved in the day before yesterday. She’s got some final things to take care of at her old place today but as of Friday she’ll be living here with grandma and me full time. I’m so excited.

We’ve been talking a lot about goals we can accomplish and projects we can do together. I’m looking forward to a productive spring and bountiful summer here at the Bailey Manor…

Yesterday Mr. Handsome took Moriah, her boyfriend and I up to a local crystal vein. We found some beautiful snowy quartz and some small peices of Amazonite, smoky and clear quartz. I also found something that looks like black tourmaline but need to do some more research to be sure.

My FitBit activity stats are currently the best they’ve been all year… But my sleep stats are at their worst.

It’s been a good, long week – already

… and it’s only Thursday morning.

I suppose that’s why I feel I need to start over and get my head on straight again. I’m all discombobulated…

Home again… What do I still need to get done this week? What are my priorities the next few days before another week begins?

Today is the last day of February too, which also begs reflection. Where am I at? What have I accomplished this month as opposed to what I had hoped I would accomplish when I was looking forward at this time last month?

Perhaps it’s all these questions that are making me feel immovable? Perhaps it is just the good and sunken in tiredness… Regardless, I am at a pause.

When in doubt, I always start with the heart(h)

The hearth (or kitchen as we now call them) of a home is the heart of a home. At least in the magickal or esoteric sense, this warm, nourishing and inviting location is symbolic of the heart chakra, or the center of love and goodwill. For this reason, I always start and end my cleaning in the kitchen.

Only have time for one task? I do the dishes. Only have time for one errand? I fill the fridge with groceries. Hardly conscious and too mentally out of it to know what I’m supposed to be doing? I get my ass in the kitchen and start tossing trash, putting things where they belong and wiping down things…

I do this for two reasons. The first is because I can very easily remain immovable. Left to my own mind, I can entertain myself for hours without even moving. I cannot “think” myself into action, but I know I can think myself out of it quite well.

By simply taking action, having the kitchen be my “go” room, I get to skip all the excess mental chatter and jump right into a flow. None of the subsequent tasks are ever as difficult as the first one for me, but “deciding” and “prioritizing” can render me useless in no time.

Secondly, for the esoteric affiliation I mentioned above. The heart chakra is the center of the bodily chakra system, anchoring both the 3 lower/material chakras and the 3 upper/astral chakras to the core of one’s own personal gravity. It is the unifier. By taking action in the heart of my home, I am symbolically “getting right to [my own] heart” as well.

A mystically charged existence

This is just one of the multitude of small ways I enchant my life. I make meaning in all I do, even when I’m tired and “out of it.” This is just who I am…

 

Bumping around on the back roads of the Colorado wilderness, I’m lost in the beautiful, blurred and hurried movement of the dirt, grass and trees.

Hiking through the knee high snow my senses delight in the cold squishing and sliding.

Crisp mountain air in my lungs, warm spring sun on my face – I’m lost to absolute bliss…

And here too: sudsy- soft soap bubbles, swept delicately away and cascading off my hands with crystal-sparkling, warm water…

Chills up my spine and tingles down my legs, I smile at the sensations of my beingness.

Here at the hearth, doing the same-old, routine yet nurturing work – I am blessed by my blessings. I am fulfilled. I am at peace…

No matter any chaos or the changes that may come, my heart overflows with gratitude and love.