my heart is a garden

bursting with blooms

shining emerald brilliance


buds, petals and blossoms 

rejoicing in their cool

milky-pink rose quartz glow


fairies and fae folk 

dancing and singing

round an endless fountain 


love abundant, pouring

from the endless depths 

of my eternal soul

*One of those meditative visions while in the jungle (in 2018, not this past visit) learning how to remember Mayryanna*

Beneath the ocean, surrounded by endless blue
I met a humpback who taught me to dance true
and we both sang aloud under water together
twirling hand in fin; swell bubbles and glimmer

Then, a Whale Shark who showed me gliding
like liquid through currents, just under surface
Our movement magickal, no effort or trying
We traversed all distance but forgot all time

Finally, I faced a Great White, both motionless
calmly, he stared me down; intently, I stared too
both finally bending, only to rest our foreheads
peacefully placing our third eyes together

When I came back to dry land
I wasn’t sure where I had been,
what had I been given and how?
Still seated on the Shaman’s floor

I thanked the guides heartily
with prayers and meditation
and saved my wild curiosity
with no fear of my hesitation

Upon my healing, Shaman blew
Conch bellowing all around me
The ocean waves rhythm too –
salt and water blood echoing

“You carry the song of the ocean
Waves still dance in your heart
Adventures are your Homeland
Make peace with your power”

No, just because you remember now
doesn’t mean I’ve been waiting ’round
for you to realise what I have to give
or that without me you don’t want to live
You think it harsh for me to laugh
and by your desperate pleas to pass
yet not a thought of me occurred
while you were too busy being free
No, it’s not as simple as you wanting
I have a mind, will and soul blossoming
I cannot pause for sake of your longing
your revelation of my value undaunting
I think it less fantastic than you wish
your accolades and flattery all amiss
not for lack of my own inherent wealth
but that you believe what you think helps
No, while you were playing ego’s games
I’ve been learning my demon’s names
battling until I broke through to peace
and now matter of option to me is least
Filling my spirit to the brim and beyond
singing and dancing to silent songs
bewitched, enchanted by cosmic romances
your only chance to have me has long gone
So take your sullen regretful well wishes
give them to another who also misses
for I have not been at all lost without you
still growing, still loving and forever true

So here I go – my first post based on a prompt from the app Paperblanks: “a time that I felt really strong was…”

Nothing simply sprang to mind, but I’ve thought about it for a little while and now I am trying to decide between a few instances.

Standing up to my father and denouncing his religion was the first to come to mind. Followed by the second time I stood up to him and subsequently estranged myself from his toxicity… But then I turned inward.

Image: Internet

I revisited memories from Apotheosis 1.0 and though percieved somewhat antithetical, I recalled my vulnerability with complete strangers and openness to deep healing as some of the strongest moments of my life…

Then I returned to more confrontational memories, particularly of resisting the manipulations of my ex-husband when he has reached out in the past couple years… Encouraged by both my forgiveness as well as my insistent and unmoving boundaries. Proud of myself for finding the balance between not having to use anger to protect myself and also not taking on his issues as a result of my love and consequently enabling him again…

Image: Internet

Finally, I rested on something much more recent and up until now, entirely private. A beautiful, powerful and transformative experience that happened just this past week, during my routine Sadhana practice.

I was doing my Sadhana in the evening, which happens usually when I haven’t yet gotten to my practice yet for the day. Still, this experience wasn’t something rushed in before bed, it was organic and expansive.

I started with dancing. I haven’t ever done that before, but I put on the Mool Mantra and was immediately saturated with primal sensuality. The mantra is played 11 times in the version I listen to, lasting just over 11 minutes – and I had hit repeat before I knew it. A deep, beautiful rhythmic sensation filled my whole body with expressions of joy and life. I was even belly dancing and laughing with complete abandon.

Once I finally made it to my mat, there was no cessation of the embodied inspiration. I extended my Sadhana again and again, feeling inexplicably whole and interconnected, I just didn’t ever want to stop.

I sweat as I moved in deliberate repetition through my chosen kriyas. I blead as my playful kitteh Sammi chased his tail next to me and caught my leg with a swipe of his paw – but I didn’t even notice how deep his nails had gone until I saw the blood on my mat. I cried, again and again, overcome with the serenity, bliss and gratitude of just being…

THIS. This experience not only made me feel strong, it opened me up to witness my strengths in brand new ways. I was reminded of my soul, my purpose and that inherently I am love.

Image: Internet

Taking myself on dates
to places dreams thrive
to far away costal waters

to beautiful foreign vistas

·

Feeling fear and smiling
repeating silent mantras
Letting pure energy rise

harnessing the Kundalini

·

People don’t see this side
so obsessed with my lack
They have no idea my joy
all sensuality fully intact
·
Say “it takes two to tango”
but I was dancing ages ago
Feeling the rhythm and flow
not waiting for a partner
·
What crime is it of mine?
Free and happy all alone
forgetting to feel lonely

not missing a bit of love