I started vow of silence on Wednesday. Until the night of my performance, I am not vocally communicating with others.

I am writing. I am making noises. I am talking to my cats, singing to myself and practicing my set in private (my musician is the only one who is going to be hearing my voice this month).

Source: Facebook

Mostly though, for this month, I’m exploring my silence. So far, it’s already been quite illuminating.

I’ve learned vocal reaction and response can happen long before any conscious choice/decision, much of it is automatic and conditioned. Another lesson I’m a bit more surprised by, is my ability to over complicate and be excessive even in nonverbal communication.

Image: Facebook

The latter has looked like chaotic body movements or tantrums of non-linguistic sounds and facial expressions. The former has mostly been knee jerk, “trash” or throw away “habit” responses. For example, never before have I realized the extent of my nervous humor before!

Though these insights are sure to be useful, what I’m really most excited about for this journey are my intentions. The first is honestly akin to “becoming less reactive,” but feels more rightly defined as “creating space between stimuli and response.”

Image: Facebook

Often I get overly excited by communication, especially when it’s about things I actually care about, and in that excitement-oriented mania I lose sight of the purpose of communication. So, in part, this vow is about increasing the value of my own communication. I plan to do this, not by eliminating my responses, but by allowing myself the time to curate and design them with more care and consideration.

Secondly, and similarly, I am attempting to train what I’ve come to call “verbal processing” out of my communication habits. I have found myself able to talk topics in circles, in order to imagine and explmore every perspective, often even playing “devil’s advocate” just to ensure no view point is left behind.

Also known as my favorite hobby…

Honestly, I find verbal processing fun. That’s why it’s become a habit. Still, it does nothing for the potency and power of my words.

Ultimately, my purpose will require I do my “verbal processing” internally, so that when I do speak, the thoughts I am presenting are a collected and cohesive whole. This will provide others the gems of my experience and analysis without having to muddle through the garbage to get them. Again, increasing the value of my spoken word.

Image: Facebook

Finally, and perhaps most fun, I am exploring rewilding my voice for a few creative projects. This is why I am allowing myself to make non-linguistic sounds.

So far I have been absolutely delighted by one occasion of non-verbal sound exploding from myself. I growled and grunted and clicked, utilizing my physical form, movement and every muscle in my face to communicate my intentions.

It felt wild.

It felt really, really, really good.

I am so excited that I am just 3 days in and have so much more time to explore the silence. Who knows what my voice will actually be like on the other side?! But, I am sure excited to find out!

My rules

There will be no blog post for the 7th.

There with be no blog post for the 8th.

The last two days were pure MAGICK, and in this way I will hold for them eternal space.

Apotheosis

I am blessed. I am blessing.

I am a part of a global family, a universal tribe made up of men and women across this globe who speak different languages, have different cultures and yet, express and experience the same true divine love. It is this love that connects us, regardless of understanding. It is this love that has ultimately brought us across all time, space and history to the grand intersection of NOW.

I do not know them, I know them. They permeate my being with their essences and I feel for them with complete abandon and liberation. I can tell them anything. I have told them everything.

Secrets I thought I would take to my grave, I gave confessed, to strangers – and I have been generously accepted, supported and truly, powerfully loved. That is Apotheosis.

It is an enchanting example of how people are taking back their responsibility. The exact opposite of ignoring the ugly things and letting your fears control your perceived reality. This is, as the fam calls it, “facing your resistance.”

This is power.

This is magick.

This is truth.

Recognizing Fear

Yes, see it. See it so clearly you understand it enough to reconstruct what it means for you. Rearrange the way you think about fear, yes, actually change what it means to your inherent cognition.

Yes, that clearly. That intensely and vigorously. Embrace even, and most especially, the parts that you least want to discover, confront and accept.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright. Watch their monstrous features soften as you realize you were never tormented by them, you have been tortured by your fear of them.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons. Allow your dragons the opportunity to teach you.

Pain is inevitable. We must grow and adapt, which requires change and that can feel abrasive – especially if we have been practicing resistance for our whole lives, like most of us have.

But what if the dragons have divine messages and we must but learn their way of communicating to unlock the secrets and freedom our hearts have always longed for? What if monsters are beautiful, scared and lonely? What if everything we are afraid to know isn’t actually what we’re afraid of?

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

Could it be possible to choose our pain wisely instead of simply accept the victimization we inflict upon ourselves? Can we challenge our discomforts and develope the discipline for pursuing universal optimization and the devotion of personal mastery?

What if the only thing we have to fear really, truly is fear itself and the way it robs from our happiness by distorting our perceptions of reality?

Choosing Love

It’s not easy.

It’s not simple.

It will take our whole lives.

But expansion of love is our universal destiny.

We are all divinity learning to love itself, and all we actually “have to do” is decide that we do love ourselves. That we love every last bit of our naturally subversive, gloriously imperfect and infinitely fragmented divine Self.

Acting on radical acceptance. Demanding revolutionary honesty. Accepting that all progress starts with the infinitesimal fragment that is you, me, or any specified “identity” but that it is always going to ripple out and consequently effect the whole of divine Source. This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

We are both separate and unified. Both “I” and the “other.” We must make a choice to sacrifice the temptations of ego and fear conciousness and allow the “I” to live in service of the “other” in order to truly integrate wholeness.

We will always be tempted to be “self-ish,” masquerading as mutations and manipulations of the pure divine Source, but we always have the choice to choose true divine love – the choice to see beyond the limits of our conditions, ego and fear and embrace with all powerful grace the totality of existence, which does include even these “selves,” the “others” and yes, even our “demons” and “monsters.”

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

The house is quiet, only the sound of grandma’s oxygen compressor and the restless shifts of sleeping puppies punctuate the stillness. The overcast sky has overcome midsummer heat and a cool breeze wafts through the open front door, spun about the living room by the ceiling fans, tickling my skin at every bare side. Grandma is feeling well, things are calm, and the energy meanders about on the low end, right between “sleepy siesta” and “reading in a hammock.”

This is my harvest.

Appreciating Peace

I’m not exactly opposed to chaos, in fact, at one time in my life a therapist told me “you can be addicted to anything, even chaos,” in attempt to wake me up to my patterns of poor choices back then. I didn’t get it then, but it’s become obvious as time and life’s lessons have wore on.

I have all the markers of an intelligent person: I cuss, do drugs, stay up late and seek other novel experiences. I travel internationally solo, my #1 bucket list item is “swim with sharks,” and I’ve taken myself far past my own expectations and boundaries again and again. Yet, as of late, all I have wanted is a bit of peace.

Actually, I’ve been craving it, deeply. All my efforts to “full speed ahead” in July were thwarted by reality and I spectacularly failed every last expectation and standard I had idealized for myself at the start of the month. So here I am, beginning a new month and even a new phase of the year’s wheel, hesitant to make another attempt at idealistic grandeur for the upcoming month. Though my intuition and awareness are making it hard not to get excited anyway…

Closing a Chapter

Lammas is a Pagan Sabbat, or holiday, and serves for celebrating harvest as the long days of summer begin to dwindle. There are 4 yearly Sabbats including Lammas (Aug. 1st), Samhain (Oct. 31st), Imbolc (Feb. 1st) and Beltane (May 1st). Each Sabbat falls at a midpoint between the Equinoxes and Solstices, and carries its own seasonal/archetypal energy.

The focus on harvest is an interesting one, because it allows for taking inventory. In this way, Lammas invites us to review what we’ve planted and how we’ve sown those seeds since Beltane. Personally, since May, I feel I’ve been caught in a whirlwind.

So much has happened in just 3 short months and they feel markedly halved. From May through the first half of June I was on dieta, preparing and then participating in a spiritual retreat and largely feeling centered, focused and excited. Mid June through the end of July however, were marked by stress, uncertainty and groundlessness. I am grateful for it all.

Despite my tireless devotion, nothing I did before my retreat was “enough” for me. I felt like I was simultaneously the donkey and the carrot, trying to manipulate my development and attention to the “perfect” degrees in order to activate to upmost potentiality of my spiritual experiences. I struggled to remain in my beingness, fighting my addiction to doership at every angle.

Since my retreat, coming home to grandma being ill, I have been unable to maintain strict control over my experiences, feelings or thoughts, and have largely been caught up in the moments as they’ve happened. I’ve been wading through turbulent waters, barely keeping my head up, let alone maintaining “good form.” Yet, I’ve also still managed to study, write, edit, contribute, encourage, connect, love, meditate, practice yoga, share myself and otherwise be authentically me in spite of it all.

The juxtaposition of these reflections is illuminating.

From The Universe has Your Back (card deck), by Gabrielle Bernstein

Beginning Anew

I’m not going to set standards for my organic spiritual disposition. I am this person who studies astrology, philosophy, yoga and practices meditation, development and awareness – regardless of whether or not I make it a “daily task.” I am a writer, editor, collaborator, contributor, consultant, healer, teacher and coach – regardless of how/when/why these things all get done. I’m not these things because of anything I do, I am these things, period.

This is my harvest: I get to be me. In the stillness and quiet, as well as in the chaos and noise. I am Mayryanna. I am a blessing. I am blessed. All the rest doesn’t matter.

So yes, I’m excited. I’m excited to accept where I’m at, appreciate myself and explore the ever-expanding heights and depths of my consciousness. I will certainly be fighting old habits – for some reason I love planning even more than doing lol – but it’s a lesson I feel fortunate to be learning.

May you all have a blessed, reflective and illuminating harvest as well!

It’s time. Time to harvest all that has been manifested since the darkest point of the year, 6 months ago. Time to prepare for the gradual turning inward as the days grow shorter for the next 6 months. It is the Summer Solstice here in the Northern hemisphere and on the Wheel of the Year, this is the node which correlates to the Full Moon energy of our monthly lunar cycles/phases.

Subtle but Saturating Significance

It is a time to reap what we have sown, but also a time to start thinking about the preparations we will need to make for the challenges and tribulations of the long, dark nights to come. This is a day of both celebration and commitment, of both looking back as well as forward. It is a chance to review our progress, reflect on our growth, reorient ourselves with our values and reestablish our devotion.

A powerful day indeed. I for one will be participating in full, with both a sunrise ritual to honor the growth and manifestations in my life these past 6 months, as well as a sunset ritual to dedicate myself to purposeful intentions for the next 6 months.

My personal Summer Solstice Rituals plan

Decoding the Signs

Already I’ve noticed something quite spectacular about the timing of my rituals today. There is a numerological theme. Both the time of sunrise and sunset here in my hometown reduce to 13/4.

I absolutely LOVE seeing patterns. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences so they immediately stand out to me as signs and synchronicities. I also have a soft spot for numerology because it was the first form of divination I was ever called to.

This combination of numbers is potent and powerful. The 13 is a karmic number, and though it can often be met with resistance, it symbolizes great transformational potential. 1 is a number representing independence or the individual, and 3 a number of unbridled creativity – together these numbers can indicate that there is a need for personal manifestation.

13 is a call to come into your strength, revoke the excuses or justifications of your past, and step fully into the purpose of your destiny. I’m sure you can see why some might shy away from it. In its challenge for you to grow, there is an acknowledgment of having obstacles or set backs to overcome. For those unwilling to drop their ignorance and accept responsibility for their mastery, this number is an unwelcome and uncomfortable energy. Yet, for those of us already on our path of optimization, 13 is an accelerator, adding fuel to our already molten burning will to change ourselves and the world.

4 is a beautiful number as well, and not as turbulent as the 13. In fact, to some, 4 can be considered quite dull. It is the number of foundation and order.

Following the 13, I do not see this 4 as boring at all though – in fact, I believe it is just the opposite, especially for Summer Solstice. Just as we are putting to rest the chaotic efforts of the waxing energy of the past 6 months and replacing it with the waining energy of devotion and discipline for our purposeful intentions of the next 6 months, the 4 is following/completing the energy of the 13 in similar fashion. How synchronous indeed.

Enjoying the Magnificence

It is in this bliss of recognition that I begin my day and my observance. What a blessing to feel wrapped up in the divine and cosmic tapestry, in which every thread is meticulously and mindfully woven into place. What peace. What assurance. What appreciation and joy.

It is with this resonance of awe that I begin my rituals today, and it is with this same reverence that I will end my rituals this evening as well. In the blessing of a magickal life, I wish you all the same wonder and enchantments of today, for always.

A soulful homecoming

Like the gentle yet persistent bubbling of a refreshing mountain spring, the joy and bliss in my heart enveloped me completely as we began our decent into San Jose this morning. Costa Rica, my beloved, how I’ve missed you! I hadn’t even realized how much until the tears started forming in my eyes.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Overcome with gratitude for the opportunity to come back here again, I whispered my blessings to the clouds and mountains, and even to the big metal birds that provided my transport to this magical land.

Pura vida indeed. I hadn’t even touched down and already I was feeling the infectious soulfulness and spirit of this place… “This is truly Pachamama country,” I breathed to myself, absolutely elated at the thought.

Flying in to San Jose

Remembering the ease of spirit enraptured

Maybe it’s not like this for everyone, but personally, this country feeds the deepest and most potent parts of my being. I’ve had some doubts about my trip lately, nothing serious, but I came up against my old friend ego again, masquerading as perfectionism and control as I prepared for this journey. I’ve been trying to walk the line between devotion and beingness, but my doubts and insecurities had me feeling like I just couldn’t win.

I cannot count the times I’ve reviewed my behavior this week, looking for signs that I was still on the right track. “I think their might have been some dairy in that… Oh no, I forgot not to use onion! Damn, that weed smoke smells so good, I hope it blows my way just a bit – but maybe that’s not a good thing?” I haven’t been smoking, drinking, fornicating or eating off the dieta for over a month, yet I was still feeling insecure in my follow through on my commitments.

This is what I do. I am especially hard on myself, and not just when I have a reason.

This was a big lesson for me last year when I attended Apotheosis 1.0 and came to Costa Rica for the first time. I very plainly and painfully saw my own self-deprecation, self-inflicted frustration and my many other manipulative mechanisms of tyrannical self-control for what they actually were: ego drama and disease. I was guided into forgiving, having compassion and being gentle with myself – but I guess the freedom and healing that those things brought me had faded a bit over the past year. Sure, I wasn’t mercilessly berating myself for things that were completely out of my control anymore, but I wasn’t exactly being kind, patient and understanding either.

Big fluffy clouds over Costa Rica

I had already felt the tender nudges of Pachamama, attempting to guide me back towards my beingness while I was still at home preparing – but it wasn’t until I glimpsed this magnificent country again that I felt the glory of grace in all its fullness once more. “Ah yes, THIS. This unrestricted, unconditional love. This is what it’s all about… Yesss…”

I had been so worried about messing things up for myself that I had forgotten this trip, this soul journey is a gift. I am hear to enjoy my beingness, not to prove I deserve it.

Releasing my expectations

I’m letting go, again. I’m smiling ear to ear at strangers who cut me in line, with genuine compassion and care. I’m daydreaming about nothing but the moments I’m in… I’m embracing the unknowing, I’m accepting my imperfections, I’m surrendering to the fantastic hopelessness of not needing things to be different than they are.

We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there’s something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better “me” who will one day emerge.

– Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

I am so incredibly grateful and that’s the focus I will maintain for the rest of this adventure. I’m not here to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I’m here to emerge organically, stripping away the needless labels and standards, to break out of the cocoon and take flight with the wings that have always been destined to be mine. I don’t have to know how, like a butterfly I will trust that my true beingness is inherent to me.

Costa Rica’s majestic landscape