For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away

It seems as though more time has passed, and yet – like it was only yesterday. I had never been to Europe before and everything about it delighted my heart.

My day started with me winding through the back alleys of Dublin,

It was a miracle that I got to go, and even more suprising that I got to stay. In just shy of 40 days, Britain, Ireland, France, Greece, the Netherlands and Macedonia were all experienced as fully as I could manage.

The River Liffey as the sun rose over Dublin, Oct. 7th 2018

I filled my free days with tours of ancient holy sites, as well as local food and culture tours, hungry for tastes and history alike.

Views from The Hill of Tara
Modern reconstruction of the ancient stone pillar at the top of The Hill of Tara
Stones placed by ancient Pagans on The Hill of Tara
Ancient Tumulus on The Hill of Tara
Selfie at the runes of an old monastery in Ireland
Monastery runes in Eastern Ireland
Detailed monastic stonework
My red boots on top of monastic stones
New-old framed by old-old
The lush Irish countryside
Runes of an old sheep herder’s gate
Old stone bridge in Eastern Ireland

On this particular day, I was in Ireland visiting the Uisneach and other Pagan sites on a tour of “Ireland’s Ancient East.”

Stairs to the trail (gate at the bottom is to keep sheep in/out)
360 degree views of Ireland at the top of Uisneach

This holy site is at the center-most part of the Island and on the Pagan holiday of Beltane in May, they light a huge bonfire at the center of the hill – which, weather permitting, can then be seen from the entire Emerald Isle.

More views from “the heart of the Emerald Isle”
Bundled up beneath a fairy tree
Seated on the fabled “Witch’s seat”

And all that (and so much more) was just in one day in Ireland. The rest of the trip was no less full of magick either!

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging! Though I can’t ever truly share my amazing European vacation with you all, soon I’ll be writing up my “Top Ten Tips for a Magickal European Holiday” as a blog post so that you can start planning your own incredible journey too!

I was taught to fear
the other

never knowing
it was always myself

I hated “them” for things
I remembered

about myself
things only “I” was guilty of

Yet, it was through others’
forgiving embrace

I discovered
how forgiveness heals

Turning their love inward
accepting myself

breaking free
releasing self-judgements

In these ways, I am saved
by others

once judged
by my own denied insecurities

So yes, I am healing me
not selfishly

but selflessly
knowing I must to love All

There will be no blog post for the 7th.

There with be no blog post for the 8th.

The last two days were pure MAGICK, and in this way I will hold for them eternal space.

Apotheosis

I am blessed. I am blessing.

I am a part of a global family, a universal tribe made up of men and women across this globe who speak different languages, have different cultures and yet, express and experience the same true divine love. It is this love that connects us, regardless of understanding. It is this love that has ultimately brought us across all time, space and history to the grand intersection of NOW.

I do not know them, I know them. They permeate my being with their essences and I feel for them with complete abandon and liberation. I can tell them anything. I have told them everything.

Secrets I thought I would take to my grave, I gave confessed, to strangers – and I have been generously accepted, supported and truly, powerfully loved. That is Apotheosis.

It is an enchanting example of how people are taking back their responsibility. The exact opposite of ignoring the ugly things and letting your fears control your perceived reality. This is, as the fam calls it, “facing your resistance.”

This is power.

This is magick.

This is truth.

Recognizing Fear

Yes, see it. See it so clearly you understand it enough to reconstruct what it means for you. Rearrange the way you think about fear, yes, actually change what it means to your inherent cognition.

Yes, that clearly. That intensely and vigorously. Embrace even, and most especially, the parts that you least want to discover, confront and accept.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright. Watch their monstrous features soften as you realize you were never tormented by them, you have been tortured by your fear of them.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons. Allow your dragons the opportunity to teach you.

Pain is inevitable. We must grow and adapt, which requires change and that can feel abrasive – especially if we have been practicing resistance for our whole lives, like most of us have.

But what if the dragons have divine messages and we must but learn their way of communicating to unlock the secrets and freedom our hearts have always longed for? What if monsters are beautiful, scared and lonely? What if everything we are afraid to know isn’t actually what we’re afraid of?

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

Could it be possible to choose our pain wisely instead of simply accept the victimization we inflict upon ourselves? Can we challenge our discomforts and develope the discipline for pursuing universal optimization and the devotion of personal mastery?

What if the only thing we have to fear really, truly is fear itself and the way it robs from our happiness by distorting our perceptions of reality?

Choosing Love

It’s not easy.

It’s not simple.

It will take our whole lives.

But expansion of love is our universal destiny.

We are all divinity learning to love itself, and all we actually “have to do” is decide that we do love ourselves. That we love every last bit of our naturally subversive, gloriously imperfect and infinitely fragmented divine Self.

Acting on radical acceptance. Demanding revolutionary honesty. Accepting that all progress starts with the infinitesimal fragment that is you, me, or any specified “identity” but that it is always going to ripple out and consequently effect the whole of divine Source. This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

We are both separate and unified. Both “I” and the “other.” We must make a choice to sacrifice the temptations of ego and fear conciousness and allow the “I” to live in service of the “other” in order to truly integrate wholeness.

We will always be tempted to be “self-ish,” masquerading as mutations and manipulations of the pure divine Source, but we always have the choice to choose true divine love – the choice to see beyond the limits of our conditions, ego and fear and embrace with all powerful grace the totality of existence, which does include even these “selves,” the “others” and yes, even our “demons” and “monsters.”

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows