Coming back in
just to back out
You can’t have me
but can’t move on
·
Frustrated so –
ask me to go
Changing mind

reel me in again

·

Can’t you see you’ve been hurting me?
If you care so much, why can’t you try?
I see now, it was always about you –
You never wanted but your dream of me

not my reality, not my hard-sought truth

·

Accusing, you point
only to then recoil
I’m fucking with you

just not how you like

·

Sure “I don’t get you”
I must be “confused”
If I really understood

I’d think just like you – right?!

·

Can’t you see you’re clipping my wings?
If you love me why won’t you let me fly?
I know now how I must threaten you –
I never wanted to cause any kind of grief

but I know there can be no peace in lies

·

Don’t change for me
don’t you even try!
I don’t want anything

but your authenticity

·

It’s okay if we don’t fit
We don’t have to cut
or mame ourselves –

I’ll love you from afar

·

You don’t want me, so please let me go –
it doesn’t make you wrong or me right
We can be different and still appreciate

We don’t have to be together to love –

·

I’m not rejecting you, or your dreams –
but they are yours to have, not mine
I’ll always want your spirit to thrive

but it’s my responsibility to keep mine alive

·

Can’t you see, the limits your creating?
If you want freedom why draw lines?
I’m learning now, what love is for you –
All or nothing means choosing extremes

but I’ll keep on trying to walk the midline

Had a lovely little hike this evening. There is a little mountain near my house with a winding, switchback trail to the top. The mountain is Bailey Mountain, and aptly looks down upon my little home town of Bailey Colorado.

The song I’m singing was impromptu, inspired by the moment. These are the words if you can’t hear it all:

If life were a dream, what dream would it be, but mine?

If the world were a painting, what colors would you see, besides all of these and the way they combine?

Today I heard from a mentor of mine. He was checking in to see if I’d be attending the next Apotheosis retreat in Costa Rica this June. I have been hoping against hope to get there, but hadn’t seen a way to do so… Yet.

Recently, during a meditation, Pachamama told me something that made me believe I would be back in the jungle this summer. Her healing presence surrounding me, she whispered: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” So, on faith I set my sights of discovering my beingness – trying to strip away all that I am or “are” to get back to my simple yet whole essence of existence. I must have been on the right track…

And/or my mentors/friends at High Existence are really and truly AMAZING individuals who continue to find ways to elevate me, even from afar and especially when I need them most. Blessings to my incredible global tribe!

Warm, salty sea-air
Rushing over me
Coasting down hills
Legs tired from climbing

·

A cool October day
In the warm South of France
From Nice to Ville Franche
Now we are riding back

·

Not a care or worry
Frozen smile on my face
Breathing in this bliss
I breathe it out for every time and place

·

Shallow at first
I sip in a little bit more
Holding it, growing
Deep within my core

·

Expansion I gleen
Breath becomes easy
Gifting to myself
The joys I give freely

·

Just a slight resistance
Soon to wane and fade
The malaise of existence
Slowly slipping away

·

In and more, holding again
Simple yes, and divine
The pranja swirls as friend
Kundalini spiraling up my spine

·

Speeding up to slow
Rounding corners
Before letting go
Winding further down

·

Mediterranean beauty
Fragrance of honey and milk
Delicacies known fully
I cannot keep this to myself –

Ville Franche | October 2018

Sitting at my desk in the Orientation and Transition Programs office of Colorado State University, I browsed StumbleUpon intermittently between my office management duties and planning my transfer mentor activities and meetings. I clicked through an endless stream of beautiful pictures and funny videos, as well as the occasional article… For all intents and purposes, I was wasting time.

However, one of those unassuming days nearly a half-dozen years ago, I stumbled across something that would ultimately change my life: High Existence. This progressive, philosophy filled, mind-bending and spirit-evoking website reached out to me from the endless abyss of the world wide web and gave me hope… There were other people out there asking weird questions and exploring the infinity of possibility!?

Not for lack of doubting

Today, I received word that MY first article written for High Existence has been published. The amount of honor and gratitude I feel are astronomical.

When I was asked to write for the website a couple months ago, I was absolutely elated – but this feeling is something else entirely. There’s a weight of accomplishment accompanying it that far exceeds the final word count of the article…

Indeed, it was months ago that I was given the opportunity to write for HE. Despite studying creative writing in university, writing online professionally before and even writing every day for years, it took serious time for me to write this piece.

After the initial shock and awe wore off, I was terrified. I was confronted by my limiting beliefs, self-doubt and self-sabotage… I got one topic approved, wrote an article and then another, so dissatisfied and insecure – I eventually trashed the entire topic and all those efforts in order to avoid complete, self-inflicted burnout and overwhelm.

The published article did come from my second approved topic, but it was still the third conceptualization of that idea. Even after finally submitting it, I still hadn’t shaken all of my doubts and fears about it’s content and quality. Yet – here it is today, live for myself and the entire internet to see: Dymistifying Magick.

My article on the front page of High Existence 🙏

A global tribe; a universal family

The absolute truth is that without the support and encouragement of my creativity coach Jordan Bates, the accountability and inspiration of my fellow creative muses Maria and Mayella, the love and community of our Apotheosis family as well as the guidance of the High Existence team, I would not have succeeded in overcoming my personal dialogs of self-depreciation. This article is a tribute to each and every one of these incredible world changers.

It is also a love letter to any soul seeking the incredibly blessed (high)existence that I have found because of this website. How privilaged, that I might offer the same hope that I experienced all those years ago to others through my own words.

It may have started with just curiosity, just a small bit of hope, but that seemingly “wasted” time that led me to discovering HE has become some of the most profoundly meaningful time I’ve ever spent in my life. That boredom-fulled curiosity ultimately freed my soul, nourished my spirit, challenged my mind, comforted my heart and impassioned my life… My curiosity led me HOME.

Beyond all my wildest expectations

This time last year I was preparing to attend Apotheosis 1.0 in Costa Rica. I had seen that HE was offering a retreat and simply had to apply – very few things have felt so necessary in my life.

I was accepted to attend and I almost couldn’t believe it. I was finally going to meet these like-spirited people I’d been reading articles from for all these years. My excitement wasn’t quantifiable or understandable, even by me, yet it could have never been a sufficient match for the amount of blessing I was about to receive.

Apotheosis changed my life (my next article I’m working on for HE goes into this in depth). Apotheosis hasn’t stopped changing my life… Even this blog is a result of that retreat (and of that fateful internet browsing all those years back).

The relationships I developed at 1.0 and then further nurtured at the second retreat in Amsterdam last fall, the vulnerability and support of this incredible community, the accessibility and grace of the HE team and retreat facilitators… My gratitude and astonishment are beyond words… I have been given so much by something I could have just as easily ignored.

And so, I’d like to leave you with a challenge: dare to let life surprise you with its blessings – follow your curiosity, take risks and trust in your soul’s authentic journey. You never know which small things will the biggest differences.

My bio for HE