Tag: fear

Seeing Growth in My Reflection

When I was looking for an app for prompts, I collected a couple others for inspiration as well. One of them is a question diary and the other a gratitude journal. Both have been very stimulating so far.

This morning on the gratitude journal I was given the chance to think back over the past 15, 10 and 5 years and take note of the ways I’ve grown, finishing by offering myself gratitude for those achievements. It was quite encouraging and insightful. I’d like to share the excerpts and expound upon them in this post.

I’m grateful that in the last 15 years I have grown from a scared, unsure and self-conscious 16 year old who lied to get out of travelling to Peru and didn’t want to learn to drive, into a confident, self-assured, solo world traveler who isn’t afraid to face her fears again and again!

15 years ago, my oldest childhood friend died in a motorcycle accident just shy of a month before my 16th birthday. She, myself and my friend Kira had all been planning to go on a missions trip to Peru that summer. When the time came to finally leave – after all the fundraising, getting to the ministry headquarters in Texas and even volunteering at that campus – I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed with anxiety, grief and depression that even manifested physically in my body as extreme IBS that had me in never ending pain and passing blood in my stool every time I went to the bathroom. The lie came into play when I was on the phone with my father who was insistent on my following through with my plans. I told him that “God had told me” I wasn’t supposed to go to Peru. It wasn’t true, God hadn’t said anything one way or the other, but it worked and I was allowed to return home. I remained physically ill though for another year. I was also self-mutilating at this time. I eventually learned to drive, but only with great resistance and trepidation, getting my license when I was already almost 17. I just didn’t want to do anything; I was afraid of everything.

I would also learn later that same year that I have Primary Ovarian Failure, that my body destroyed my ovaries, that I am completely barren, and that instead of going through puberty I had been thrust into menopause before I was 13. I had osteoporosis already, and I was also still growing too. Everything in my life at that time seemed completely out of control, hostile and torturous.

I’m grateful that in the last 10 years I’ve grown from an insecure, self-centered and self-deprecating young woman who didn’t know what she wanted, didn’t care for or love herself, and put up with abuse and manipulation, into an authentic, aware, mindful and passionate goddess who doesn’t take shit from toxic people and doesn’t put herself in toxic situations or allow toxic behavior from herself!

10 years ago I was 21, living with my sister and my convicted felon boyfriend (soon to be husband and then eventually ex-husband) in what could only be described as a party house. I was waking up with my cup of coffee, a cigarette and a bowl of weed. I was filling my days with drama and distractions. I was fueling my nights with alcohol, ecstacy, cocaine and whatever else I could get my hands on. Before the end of that year, I wound up in jail on a domestic violence charge for having punched my boyfriend in the face a dozen times in an intoxicated rage.

I’m so grateful that in the last 5 years I have grown from being a woman who felt undeserving of love, disgusting and completely burnt out emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually while suffering through a painfully failing marriage, flunking out of school for mental health issues and barely getting out of bed, into a vibrant, engaged, inspired healing healer who knows what she believes with conviction, experiences joy and bliss every day, and is blessed continually through her service and devotion to personal mastery and universal optimization!

5 years ago I was filled with self-loathing because I had flunked out of college my very last semester simply because I stopped going to classes. I had made the Dean’s list twice, I had recieved grants and scholarships, but I had also been working 3 jobs to support myself and my convict husband while he was in prison for 2 and a half years of my college career. I completely burnt myself out physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually; couldn’t even crawl out of bed most days because of my severe depression. I went to a therapist, I was put on SSRIs, but I continually spiraled.

By the time my ex got out of prison, I was a shell of a person, and he was disgusted with me. Subsequently, I was made to feel worse and worse about myself by the person I had loved the most. It didn’t help that before my complete collapse I had become progressively more and more reckless. Binge drinking, abusing prescription drugs and even eventually becoming unfaithful by putting myself in high risk sexual situations. I had been honest with my ex, telling him everything before he came home, giving him an out that he didn’t take – and then I was punished daily through looks of loathing and malice until he finally found another woman to take care of him and left me for good.

And yet, I’m so very grateful for all of it. As expressed by the letter I wrote my current self from my past selves to finish the gratitude exercise:

Future Mayryanna, WOW! Or more appropriately, though I don’t know it yet, WAHE GURU ❀ I am pinching myself, I cannot hardly believe that I am you! That I am capable of so much strength and resilience, that I will do so much, that I will become so impassioned and inspired! I am so grateful for you, for me, and for our never giving up! For our daring and tenacity, for our curiosity and authenticity, for our love and grace! Thank you, thank you, thank you – for learning how beautiful and amazing you truly are – for never giving up on us πŸ™ I am honored and blessed to be MAYRYANNA!

Everything comes screeching to a halt

My cute lil’ bebeh kitteh Sammi dissapeared! I came home very late from the festival last night to find him nowhere – being that he’s my youngest and always the first to great me with a miriad of meows and purrs I was immeasurably worried by his absence, even right away… My panick only grew as the hours ticked on and all my serching turned up no signs of him.

“Maybe he got out?” I frantically texted my mom and a friend who had been by when I was out of town, glancing at the time, “Almost 4am already… Won’t even be light out for a few more hours…” I debated briefly whether to call my mom and wake her up but decided against it since there wasn’t much more to do to try and find him until morning, and I laid down, sobbing myself to sleep with worry.

My mom woke me in the morning, equally concerned, she hadn’t seen him herself since Friday night but thought he must just be hiding. She had her big pit bull with her and had been letting him inand out of the backyard while here but didn’t recall Sammi sneaking out or even trying. “I can’t imagine why he’d try to sneak past Max either but I can’t find him anywhere, he’s not even meowing when I call him, I don’t know what else could have happened,” I explained and we set off to comb to mountain.

I yelled and called and hiked for hours. Still nothing. My aunt came by and mentioned she thought he was probably still on the house, but that only made me worry more… Sammi had a younger brother once, I rescued them together and they had signs of animal testing or perhaps even some sort of torture as kittens (big scars on the backs of his legs and fishing wire running through the flesh of Salvatore’s tail, Sammi growing disproportionately and often unable to eat without getting sick), and one day when they were young, I came home to find Salvatore had died suddenly. I was horrified to think maybe Sammi had died too and that’s why he wasn’t meowing when I called to him…

I kept looking, I posted in online communities, I started making flyers, I cried some more… I didn’t even think about doing my Sadhana, and I completely ditched my dieta in moments of extreme stress, taking puffs from my mom’s cigarettes and HW’s weed pipe – trying to calm myself down so I could think I guess… Everyone tried to comfort and help me as best they new how and eventually my appreciation and gratitude helped me to relax a little.

As the sun started to set, I sat with HW on the couch, still talking about Sammi but trying to distract myself a bit as well… Suddenly HW smiled at me and said, “look down,” and there was Sammi – cool as a cucumber – right by my legs. I let out a little scream and immediately scooped him up, laughing and crying, so relieved that he was ok! He squirmed out of my grasp and ran back towards my bedroom – back to his hiding place. Both HW tried to find him again too no avail, but I didn’t care! He’s home! He’s safe!

I lamented that he had let me cry myself to sleep and HW said he must be mad about my being gone. I joked and smiled about him being “such a jerk to his momma,” but didn’t really care. He can punish me all he wants, that fluffy lil devil, as long as he’s safe I’m happy!

So, that was today… An abrubt halt to everything I’ve been working on, but ultimately it’s okay. I practiced gratitude today, and oh am I ever thankful! Tomorrow, I will start again, but not without ever more appreciation for my life and the blessings contained with in it – like amazing people who care so much for me they drop everything to help me out, and even feisty lil kitteh bebehs that sometimes punish me for leaving them ❀ I am so very blessed πŸ™